wanting something to be different than it is is exhausting and it hurts so bad….

i believe you are still in that awful in between phase which no wonder causes such mixed up feelings in you. you're still in it so the insecurity makes perfect sense to me…..

it's good to prepare yourself for what you might learn later at the same time you can't control what he does so i can see why it's impossible to just let go.

just remember that this is a process and part of that process is going through stages and phases and realizations. some days are better than others. you're doing the right thing by saving and working on yourself, keep it up!!! rest when you're tired. maybe you could do something special for yourself when you're weary…..

Why do you suppose he told you about his indiscretions?

It sounds like you are in a lot of fear. Fear of what might happen in the future. Problem is we never really know what might and might not happen in the future. We only have today. So concentrate on what you can do today to feel better. You have all the answers to your relationship inside you and that is why you are feeling that way. However, we are only human and some days we just are not strong enough to face them. So you need to do things for you. Concentrate on you and what makes you feel good (leaving him out of the picture). This will boost your spirits and make you stronger to get to where you really want to be. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You probably have lots of other people in your life who do ask you how you are and how your day is and they just care genuinley about you. Go be around those people. Use your energy on you not him.

Well Shani I am quite isolated here. I relocated and left my family and friends to be with him - sound familiar?
Durh to me!

iamheretoo - erm Im not sure. His Dad made some comments about him chasing other peoples wives etc and that he wasnt cut out for marriage. I worked out he had been seeing his wife3 while he was with wife2 ...but he has always been open about it. He doesnt think its wrong at all. His wife wasnt sleeping with him so he went elsewhere. I used to say he was a bad husband - he says in reply: she was a bad wife first...

Why would a man share these things? - I have always been honest with him, but I do not discuss my past relationships in detail with him. I dont feel he needs to know those things so I dont answer. He wants to know about sex etc with other men...and Im not discussing it with him so I dont answer. So to me him telling me all the details about his affairs means he has no shame about them I suppose. He has no remorse, hes not sorry. He feels his actions were justified.
I dont respect that at all.

I havent felt insecure before in a marriage, if I felt insecure in a relationship before I would have finished it...but I feel this man turned my head inside out and my world upside down....

girls, ya know how that goes!...

He sounds a lot like how I used to live, having affairs with whoever I wanted, but I did change and after it happened to me, I vowed NEVER to cheat again and I haven't. It was more of a challenge to have unavailable men. Sometimes I'd have two boyfriends at a time when I was married. Not proud, but that is how it was. At least emotional affairs looking for that addiction feeder - men. I have changed, but I am sooooo not proud and know why I behaved that way now and know I won't do it again. it doesn't sound like you can trust him in that. I know I am not cut out for marriage either.

msobol - you sound remorseful though.
Im not sure he has learnt that emotion...or maybe ha just can't!

Yeah he sounds a little off. I don't think you should ever be proud of having an affair on someone. It is lying and cheating and very hurtful. The person you do it to has a hard time with trust issues. I feel absolutely horrible doing this to my husband and I had to move out as soon as possible because it felt so terrible. But I was in the addiction and being very selfish. I felt horribly betrayed after finding out that affair man was cheating on me! He was ok with seeing me when I was married and this should have been my first clue that he was not a good guy either.

You always have the option to get out of your relationship before getting into another one. This would be the right thing to do no matter if your wife was a bad wife also. But than again life is life and we are not perfect. We all make mistakes. It is what we learn from those mistakes that makes us better and If we don't learn, we are sure to repeat.

shani....yes so true.
Thanks for the reply.

just feeling sorry for myself I guess.

Has he learnt?! I dont know, he had an affair with married women too - he says they told him they werent sleeping with their husbands - well Im pretty sure that might not be totally truthful....but then again its all so messy isnt it.
I cant say how I feel about it. If I didnt know about his history would I feel differently I dont know.
Does he make me feel safe and secure? I dont know....well clearly not!
I cannot look at him and say absolutely he wouldnt cheat on me. I have been able to say that about other men I have been in relationships with. I would say if I had known his history I would have run a mile for sure. Maybe because I knew it would torture me, or because it would make me have no respect for the man who can cheat.

I dont know what I am trying to say here, Im rambling sorry girls!
We all have history but I can say my conscience is clear about mine. He says he has a clear conscience too - our moral codes are very different I suppose.

Hi Sunnyjax,

Earlier in our relationship my bf told me a deep dark secret. When he was married he slept with his wife's mother (yeah my mouth dropped open to). I was shocked and stunned. He told me that this is his most horrible secret and he wanted to know if I could accept him knowing this. At the time he could have told me he was eating babies at night and I would have been fine. It was the start of our relationship the honeymoon and man he was perfect.

At the time, I thought he did feel remorse but now I have to admit that he seemed almost proud of it. I think in his mind he hurt his wife in a way she could never hurt him...she was cheating too of course so this was the ultimate payback. He is big on getting even but her mother that is a low blow. She does not know it. Also he told me that for a while he snorted cocaine. I was shocked about this too and told him I could not be with a drug addict or a man that drinks heavily.

He assured me that this too was in his past and again I sensed no remorse or regret. He is not currently on illegal drugs but he loves Rx's and because he is in a chair he has a legitimate reason to abuse pain pills. So like you I wonder what was the purpose in tell me these things...I think now he told me because he wanted to because he saw no fault in these actions what so ever. He does not feel guilt. All of his choices are either someones fault or justified.

Now his oldest son is not his...I did not find this out until he was having a argument on the phone with the ex wife. So I asked him why didn't you tell me and he said that it is not his place to tell it. He will continue to act like his son is his until his wife tells him the truth. Even though he is sure that his oldest is not his. Initially I thought he does not admit it because he is ashamed--probably why he slept with his mother in law- then that was to hard to bare. So I told myself he was noble and a good man, bullshit.

He does not admit that his son is not his because he is ashamed that she got the best of him. When it serves his purpose he will tell the world what she did, until then he will hold even from his son.

Once you start to see you cant un-see... I am just praying that the more I see the stronger I get and eventually get strong enough to let it go. I need the strength not to get over him but really the strength to face my fear of being alone.

Izzt please forgive me if I am speaking out of turn, but might I gently suggest that in focussing on your BFs shortcomings, awful though they are... you are failing to understand that you now in your life, have to turn into yourself and own your unhappiness and the reasons why you have arrived emotionally where you are. It isn't the paralysing fear of being on your own, it may be the fear of the ultimate unknown.... who is your authentic self, what does she want for herself and are you listening to her , nurturing her and honouring her pain enough to finally stand still, wait for her to catch up and then hold her in the most secure embrace she will ever feel, that of her own self-love . I say all of this because like all of us, like you, I am a WWLTM and we all understand how terrifying that can be.

Butterfly,

I read your words to me over and over again. At first I felt some resistance but then I just kept reading because I knew from a place somewhere deeper that they were meant for me. I am sure those are from you but through you I have received an answer to a long standing prayer. How do I love myself.

I never once imagined standing still, allowing her to catch up, honoring her pain and finally embracing her with her own self love. As I write to you I feel the press down of a long standing pain. I can barely keep my eyes open, my shoulders are heavy and I want to just abandon this.

I have been running from her all my life...I never wanted to be her and surely now I don't want to hear her story or feel her pain. I leave her by the road of my life and I try so hard to break the connection. Every book I have read, every therapy session, every bed I have laid in, every food that has entered my mouth, every thing I do all day is so keep her at bay.

I keep asking God to teach me how to love myself but really I have been saying help me get rid of me. Help me to be anyone but her. It is so weird to me how when I feel like others have done me so wrong... I never once truly believed I didn't deserve that. I never, on the inside truly felt like I was worthy of what I was asking for. I wrote your post down so I can read the words over and over again. What you said was a gentle truth that I needed to hear. It is hard to hear and I cant stop crying but I needed to hear it.

You have changed my perception or rather your words have given me a choice. I can continue to run from her or I can stop running and hiding from myself. I can stop trying so damn hard to be someone else. I can stop hating myself. I am so scared to turn into myself because I am afraid that what I will see is what I think is there...a nobody. But now I can say I am turning to you because I am honoring your pain. I have been so scared that what is in me is so dark so painful, I never imagined that what was inside of me beneath that thin layer of pain is me.

Sunny, what good is to come of telling your spouse that you have cheated in the past? It seems to me like a hurtful thing to do. Surely he knows it will make you wonder if he will cheat on you.

Sunny, hope you wont mind me replying to Izzy, although this is your thread....
Izzy, listen to what God has to say to you, turn into Him and then into the hurt place inside of you, and I promise he will guide you and hold you. I like the Footsteps prayer which says " My child ,my dearest child, at the darkest moments in your life, when you saw only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then I carried you".
Be brave little Izzy, adult Izzy is coming back to get you , and she will not to let anyone hurt you or her ever again.
To make you laugh, a new ( ex date!) but dear friend of mine called me yesterday and he is quite spiritual and insightful.... he said to me " 2Butterfly, you are not an awful person and you are worth loving, after all, one little sperm , the bravest of over 300 million sperm , fought his way valiantly through to make you , you, and that makes you a very special person indeed!"

Sunnyjax, if as you say your husband is a Narc., they get off on gaslighting, messing with your head, and corroding your self-confidence bit by painful bit. Twisting the knife, emotional games and cruelty and 'death by a thousand cuts' is all par for the course and typical of their disorder.
You sound like you are gathering strength and doing very positive and self-validating things to protect yourself, and that is what you must continue to do. As you become stronger, his attempts to screw you up may intensify..... these men are without empathy, morals and we are their sick game counters, they will move us around in any direction they choose through manipulations and mind-f*cks until they devalue and discard us when we are no fun anymore and are either so worn out we either cant , or are so strong we wont respond to them anymore. You have choices Sunny , your instincts are kicking in.... stay strong.

Thanks 2B, and of course I dont mind you replying to Izzy...its my pain too.
I used to say I could never go to counselling as I really didnt want to take the lid off the box... or try to paint what was inside of me...same thing - I really daren't go there....but I know I must one day.

Im studying now as you know - but my Assclown husband will do anything he can to take me away from my studying, its so tiresome...I just ignore him buts its really stressful.

I have finally paid off my debts this month and have set up a saving plan direct from my bank account.
one step forward!