Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
So I read a lot on here about respect and how you should be treated.
How do I know what that is?!
Is this a silly question, I sure feel a fool for not knowing this!
We do a red flag list of NO-NO's but could we maybe do a GREEN for GO list too!!!?
How do I know what that is?!
Is this a silly question, I sure feel a fool for not knowing this!
We do a red flag list of NO-NO's but could we maybe do a GREEN for GO list too!!!?
You ask a good question and I am sure that others here further along in recovery will have more detail answers. But I wanted to put my two cents in anyway. I think for me I am becoming aware of what was WWLTM green flags to proceed when we should not.
If he appeared needy I thought that meant go for it. I feel safe with needy men.
If he didn't have a job, a car, a good relationship with anyone then I felt safe and was encouraged to proceed.
If he seemed a bit vague and inconsistent... I could change that so I would proceed.
If in anyway he gave me the feeling that I had to prove myself and my worth...I would proceed ahead
Any addiction except crack and cocaine and I would proceed ahead.
So for me now green flags would be the opposite of what green flags used to mean for me. The man that does not need me to fix him will scare me to death but he would be the man in which I could have a new and healthy relationship
If he missed calls or missed dates I would proceed ahead.
What he did was give me green flags that he was what I knew and that in him I could hide myself and focus on his problems.
So a green flag would be someone who is Healthy emotionally.
A person who texts or calls when they know you have a meeting or medical appointment you are worried about?
A person who asks about your day, and listens to the reply.
No. 2. How he handles my anger...or when my logical mind is on hiatus...
So if a guy knows how to handle anger and crisis time in a relationship...he will be able to work out everything with you.
. He calls up regularly...at least twice a day.
2. He is not insecure and doesnt want to know whom do you speak to. Is not always poking.
3. He makes attempts to meet you regularly....at least once a week.
4. He discusses his minor decisions with you...he talks what he is generally doing....not like telling everything but is free with you...
More Green Flags:
-takes a long time to get to know you
-does not immediately disclose tons of info on himself...yet is not pressuring you for tons of info
-waits to have sex
-is respectful to service staff, waiters, janitors, or anyone in a 'low' societal position
-stable employment
-has friends and a social life
-does not immediately start talking about issues he has or asking you about your issues
-physically healthy (works out)
-you feel he is really listening to you
-he asks about your life
-he wants to know your opinion
-you feel he cares about your dreams and goals
-he is there when you need him
-he is responsible, and relies on himself rather than others for financial matters
-morals and values are important to him and THIS IS REFLECTED IN HIS ACTIONS. He lives by a moral code.
-he is kind to animals and children
-he does not speak unkindly of his ex
-most important of all: he shows you, treats you, acts towards you, with respect
-He shows a positive attitude towards women (not like"all women just use men, all women are gold diggers)
-he believes in equality for men and women (not 'a woman's place is in the home, women need to follow the orders of men)
-when he does something wrong, he apologizes *on his own* without you having to bring it up first
-he has a conscience
someone who who guarantees your safety.
someone who accepts and respects and encourages you.
someone who is a team with you in a marriage
someone who does things to make your day a little easier.
someone who can negotiate and compromise all of marriage every single day is a negotiation
someone who can problem solve
someone who can share their feelings and dreams and morals and visions
someone who has healthy boundaries
someone with a giving spirit
someone who is honest with high integrity
someone you admire
someone who has a life outside of you
someone who has friends that want to be with him (other male friends)
someone who is a good father. the opposite sex parent is a very important role model for girls especially. we learn how to be treated by men by watching our fathers with our mothers.
someone who doesn't take life too seriously.
someone who can apologize and feel empathy and guilt.
He drives slow and always tells me to be careful driving to work. I drive 1 hour thru the mountains.
He is always concerned about me having a lunch to eat. He makes me a lunch if he makes his own!(wow)
When he is angry or tired he tends to be quiet. He is working on communication with me, but he does not show the anger he is just kinda abrupt and quiet.
He is always concerned and enjoys giving to me and others.
He has a life outside of me.
He talks to and visits his family even tho some of them are still practicing alcoholics.(his father).
He pays for most everything, but is willing to let me pay also.
He has a steady decent paying job, a car, and an apt. He has expressed his desire to own a home again so he can do yardwork, which he loves.
He came to see my place of work and was very nice. He commented out of the blue on how nice my office was 5 hours later after seeing it.
He has never looked at my phone, asked me who I am calling etc. But he has made it clear that he only wants me to see him and not others if I would like to be with him.
He encourages me to go to meetings. He has dinner cooked for me if I come over after a meeting.
He invites me to functions with his friends and family. He does not just say we are going he actually asks me if I would like to go with him and says he understands if I cannot make it. (wow)
He always gets up and gets to work on time. He is kind in the way he says that I am late all the time.(which I am.)
He is funny. Everywhere we go, he engages the staff. He is so perceptive that he always looks at someone's name tag and calls them by name. He makes them laugh.
He states that he does not blame his ex-wife for leaving him. He was an alchoholic. And that if times had been different he should have stayed and worked on his own behavior cuz he was married after all.
He can be judgemental and sees this as a problem and gladly accepts my comments. He laughs at himself and catches himself getting irritated and is able to immediately turn things around.
He texts me a short wonderful sentence twice a day while at work, then either calls or texts in the evening.
He has handed me his phone and has left it with me without him being there. There is no code on it. I could look at anything.
YES he sounds too good to be true! I know I know, but really this is it for now. I have only known him for 5 weeks or so, so I cannot say for sure if he will turn out different, but I am hoping not. I feel extremely lucky to have met him.
ONE red flag....He likes sex a lot. and he wanted to engage in it right away! We have discussed this and now he is making sure that sex is not the top priority and we have wonderful nice nights without it . He has also stated that he thinks it is childish to paw over each other in public. He always wants to hold hands and will kiss me here and there in public, but he does not like pawing over each other. He is just a very loving and gentle man, I hope like hell he isnt a Dr Jekle Mr Hyde!!
early days though but you know that anyway.
I had the text book perfect man like you describe and he turned out to have Aspergers which is a whole new horrible ball game….so take it easy. Aspies tend to be perfect and wonderful courters and change abruptly when settled/married.
Im not saying this is him in anyway just be aware.
enjoy it, its such a lovely time!
xxx