I hear you on all of this but for me it's my Dad. He ticks about 6 of the seven boxes your mum ticks.

No child deserves what you did from your Mum. You were a good kid you didn't deserve this.........."I was a good kid I didn't deserve what she did " say this a few times and really mean it.

Your path is different from your Mum's on so many different levels.

* Your more spiritually aware and honest about who you are.

* You already now how to love and protect your daughter which you do and show her daily.

* You are fully aware of your mum's incredibly average choices and actions.

* Maybe your mum is the blue print and lesson for you in how not to do things that will be your bench mark for the rest of your life.


Family does not have to be blood girl. Remember that they can be the kindred spirits who you meet and touch our lives and become your friends for life as we walk this earth.

Shit if you can get through half of the things you have gotten through and not managed to have some faith in yourself and the road your on well it's about time you do girl.

Your angry at your Mum, your making boundaries, your basically saying well hey I'm an adult now and you basically don't get to speak to me or treat me this way without consequences ie me / us not in your world. If you don't start drawing the line people keep walking over it. As hard as it is you have to.
That being said you need to forgive your mum for doing a pretty crap job as well or this will follow you around and haunt you forever and thats when your daughter will get effected.

Be happy knowing that your mum as disfunctional a parent she was has showed you exactly what not to do.

Maybe make clear to your mum kindly but firm what is and isn't ok for you keep it calm and clear if she struggles with that then her choices are her own. No more bending.


Love yourself girl. There are a lot of people her appreciate your words and insights. Your valued.

You deserve to be a bit kinder on yourself.

Breathe.

Peace and love.

Dracona, yes, be good to yourself and be gentle with yourself as well. My father was this way, and my mom till she left at my age of 14. She's worked very hard to try to make it up to me, but on his deathbed I don't think my father ever realized the damage he'd done to me. My first year after his passing I spent it so angry - so angry I couldn't really greive his death. I had to work through 45 years of hurts. It wasn't easy - nor will it be for your 27 years - but you really should try.

Can I suggest a book by Pia Melody? She has one (or several I'm sure) on co-dependency. It has a workbook with it, and she does a lot of work on family stuff. It may help you untangle some of your issues, especially the why you feel compelled to stay in touch with this toxic relationship.

I had to take care of my father in his later years - loved him, but resented him so much. I limited our time together for MY health. I took care of his needs, but made sure I didn't neglect mine. One time, he was in rehab care in a nursing home, yelling at me on the phone - and I told him, I'd come see you more often if you'd not scream at me all of the time. It was like a light went off in his head... the next visit was much better. But, it was too late by then. He was gone in 2 more weeks.

Lay out the boundaries with your mom, as you are able to define them. Try to share your needs with her - not blaming, just "I need you not to put me down in front of my friends/kids/at all". I need you to speak to me with some respect, or I am afraid I'll not be able to continue our conversation". Tell her what you need from her - give her the option of abliging. If she doesn't, you have done what you can to protect yourself.

Try finding that book - can't recall the title, someone will know. But agree that if you don't work to resolve some of this, you will end up affecting your kids. Stop the madness now. :)
peace, blessings and love to you
fc

These families, these families. What woman has ever posted on this board that did not have HUGE FOO issues? No one that is for sure.

Reading this, it makes perfect sense how you ended up with a pathological. It is called 'special training' from someone that was supposed to offer us uncondtional love.

Take a look around this website:

http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/

Sometimes you have to go No Contact from your family like you would an ex depending on their level of how toxic they are. I am not saying that is the case for you, I am just saying that some people must in order to stay emotionally healthy.

But to answer your question: A Family is: A circle of friend that love you.

It does not have to be your FOO.

But one thing is very clear. Life is only a mirror. Read the post that Kris just posted; it was beautiful. We will continue to get the lesson until we have emotionally healed the holes in our heart.

I know money is scare right now, but eventually you will probably need some professional help to get the to the root of these issues.

Love, hugs, and peace to you. I understand feeling unsettled. I feel like that every single day of my life.

I know what you mean but like Kristin, mine was my father. But my mother did nothing to protect me from him. I get so scared if I think I am behaving in any way like them. I will NEVER have kids bc of this fear. The only way I can describe it is that they lack the parenting gene. They don't have that genetic instinct to protect their own young. Every animal on earth does this instinctively. I make a very conscious effort to not be like them. I have a dog, he's my little boy, I've raised him from 10 wks. He's 9 yrs old now. And my worst fear is that he'll feel the way I had to growing up. And I want to make sure that never happens. I tell him I love him about 15 times a day and give him hugs and kisses and the best of everything.

I didn't get my mom anything for mother's day this year. I got her an ecard, that's it. I didn't call. She never calls me. My dad hasn't talked to me in forever, I haven't seen him in years. He doesn't send me gifts or anything for bdays/holidays. It does make me feel guilty but I know I shouldn't. They have caused me so much damage.

thanks all.. its hard.. i go through bouts of who am i syndrome... there are times of almost perfect clarity, where i feel my own self worth and power... then its back to not knowing who i am it seems. or what i want, or where to start. and well, i want to LIVE life. i want to love. im tired of just going through the motions, the worry, the constant anxiety and agitation, of caring what others think of me. and its because of my mother.
i think mostly, im a good mom. but then there are times, like when im frustrated with her, and there are other things going on... that ive yelled at her, or pushed her out of the way, and she doesnt deserve that.
im just scared how i will react to things when she is older. i just dont know. im so afraid to be my mother.

and i cant just lay boundries with my mother, she makes it a fight. or she ignores you. at first, when i let her see my baby, i told her she had to clean her house... because it was DISGUSTING. dishes everywhere, toilets and bathtubs yellow, dirty clothes, it was unhealthy disgusting, and i said the baby could not go. she got in a big fight, had a fit about how no one ever helps her, and how she was a single mom of 4 and works hard and just dont have time. i said really, when was the last time you could see the floor? clutter is one thing, disgustin is another. she actually cleaned her house... first time since it was built i had seen it that clean. but in a week it was back to normal. she didnt keep it up... and now especially since baby is walking... she cant go over there. its just hard... i wish i could talk to her, lay it all out on the table.. but she will never understand. what happened back then... in her mind i was a rebellious teen... and she... oh poor her... getting divorced to be a single mom. she puts herself on this pedastool. and you cant get her off it. but i love my daughter. we have so much fun together. she is so smart... one year old, and can talk walk. we can actually hold small conversations. i ask her questions, and she answers, either with actions or words, and always surprises the hell out of me. i can ask her to go get me a different book, and she will go put back the one we read, and get a different one. she puts on her shoes, and tries to dress herself. she brushes her hair even. tells the dogs that they are good dogs.
and tells me she loves me.

Dragona,

Your little girl sounds so cute and smart!!! I love that she talks to the dogs!!!

There is no such thing as a perfect parent, but what is important is how conscious you are of wanting to be a a really good parent.

I do not believe there is one parent in the world that has not yelled at their child. Of course, do not make a habit of it, but if 99% of the time you are caring and loving, I think that is the most we can expect out of anyone.

Your mothers outside clutter is an indication of her inside clutter. One of my favorite books is called: Clearing your clutter with Feng Shui (by Karen Kingston) and she discusses this at length.

My old next door neighbor was a single mother of 4 and her house was IMMACULATE. She would tell me how nothing is cheaper then a bar of soap and if she could not give her kids a lot materially, she could make sure they had a clean house. I am sure it is super difficult to be a single mother of 4, but aren't all of you grown now?

yes, the youngest is 15, and its hard, cause she is manipulative, and well, just like our mom. its strange, because when i was young, like second grade, she had a clean house... i dont remember all the clutter then.
we moved here and something happened. she was crazy still before that, but not like this. and it just got worse. there is no reason for her house to look the way it does. my mom thinks she was/is a good mom, and we are just rebellious and ungrateful. and disrespectful, as are most kids nowdays. i just dont know where to draw lines. i dont want to think im doing good, abd be doing horrible.

and i HATE hearing her cry... it breaks my heart. and i have to force myself to be strong and not give her whatever she wants, and sometimes she is being a turd. and you have to put her to nap, or she just screams and i dont know what to do.

I would hate to hear her cry. I have two types of friends ones that believe in letting kids crying it out and others that will take the babies to their beds, give them bottles/nurse them or just rub their backs.

I know zero about being a parent. Do you belong to some parenting groups? I know there are a lot of mommy and me type groups on Meet-up that my friends go to for sharing tips and war stories ;)

You are doing great!!! Being a parent is stressful!

its funny, cause its a big war. there are "studies" that say to not let them cry... then others say its good for them to learn to fall asleep alone. like right now... she is SCREAMING. it is her bedtime... i sang to her, i patted her, i tried EVERYTHING. i even let her out of bed... even though i knew she was tired. she played for a bit, then hit me... so its back to bed. and there she will stay. i dont know what else to do sometimes. especially when you know she is tired. some say that if you let them cry... it will harm their emotional development and cause feelings of abandonment. the other side says it makes them more secure and learn to not always be dependent on falling asleep with mom.
she was SO GOOD a couple weeks ago. even would tell me night night and just go to sleep. this week... different story... its AWFUL. but cant do anymore. i dont let her sleep with her bottle. bad for teeth. i dunno.

but i still havent spoken with my mother. should i call her? or should i just let go, and keep her and her influence out of my life. she makes me such an unhappy person

Why don't you just take a break from your mother for now? It does not have to be permanent. And take a break from your guilt as well. Just say: For the remainder of the month of May, I am going to set this issue aside and the meditate on the kind of family you want to stay connected to.

We are all mixed up because we have never know boundaries of any kind. Not from our parents, not from our loves, not at work.

Just baby steps and we will get there!!!

My heart goes out to you. Consider yourself hugged. Unfortunately, we do not get to pick our parents. We have to take what is given and come out in the best shape we can. We do however, have the choice not to follow the same path they did. It sounds as if your mom was dreadful. My mom stayed with the man who molested me for many years even after she found out. I have forgiven her and in fact now I take care of her. I find solace in the fact that my mom is mentally retarded and she just didnt know any better. That being said though I would like to try to give you some insight into why your mom may have behaved the way she did or does. For what ever reason she hates herself so much that she takes it out on the one who is, well a carbon copy or her, so to speak. It is kind of like self mutilation without the physical pain and emotional pain being inflicted on herself instead upon you.

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are a survivor. Do not forget that. You made it out. You have the choice to be a great mom. People say those molested moleste and those abused abuse. I am proof that is not true. I have been molested, abused physically and emotionally, finacially, you name. But I have made it my lifes mission to be a great mom. I have made alot of bad decisions in regards ot jobs, men, money, life in general. But I am proud to say I am a great mom. I chose early on to break the cycle of abuse in my life. I put up with my husband and the bs he dishes out but I am open and honest with my kids and tell them everyone choses what they will or will not put up with. You have to decide. I am on the fence right now on whether I want to stay in my marriage because of several issues. But I will never second guess what I have done as a mom.

If you can look at how you raise your daughter and know that you are being a good mom and raising her to the best of your ability with lots of love and care then you are doing something right. It sounds like you are aware of many of your shortcomings and are attempting to work on them. Why we put so much of our self worth into how are parents treat us is beyond me. Just rememember that that is what we do as humans so just do the best you can as a mom, show and tell your daughter all of the time how much you love her and she will have good self worth because you made her feel loved growing up. If or when she is older explain to a certain extent some of the things you have been thru and why u have some of the troubles you have and explain to her how you want her life to be different.

Just remember it is up to you to break the cycle. So what do you choose?
All of this is said with the best of intentions and lots of friendly love and compassion. I hope it helps in some way.

P.S. My grandmother was my salvation as well. She was my MOM. she may not have gave birth to me but she instilled my values and morals in me. She taught me what it was to be a woman, wife and mother.
God bless her and may she rest in peace. I love her so much. Thank God for Grandma's!

wow thanks prayin. i try. i just do really feel so guilty. i work nights. which makes me pretty grumpy when i dont get my sleep. then i have to send her to a good friend, a babysitter, for the entire weekend so i dont loose my job for lack of sleep and making mistakes. and when she is home she is so frustrating cause she doesnt understand. I got lucky with the molestation. i know if she had been with a man, or stayed where we were, then she never would have taken my side or helped me. once something happened with a boyfriend of hers son. i told her, and she said i was making things up.
consider yourself hugged too. and it gives me hope that you can cofidently say that you are a great mom after all that you have been through. when i was pregnant, i went through this whole change in me. i felt strong. confident. and would do whatever i had to. i was stable minded and confident. i dont know where that feeling went. or how to get it back. or how i got it in the first place. i have done nothing, not one thing i said i was going to do. im tired all the time, and even when i get sleep im tired. i have to force myself to do things. and i feel guilty for not enjoying playing with her. then i miss it when she is gone. i just hope she grows up ok. i will always be honest with her. i wont sugar coat it unless i have to. she should know the truth. even if it hurts. so she can deal with things. and not have decision making problems like me. and i do tell her i love her all the time, and kiss her and hug her, whether she wants me to or not.

My grandmother always had an air of sadness about her. but she LOVED me. she adopted my mom. and they never bonded so much. and there was just always something wrong with my mom. but WE bonded. and i loved her more than anything. and my mom would use this against me sometimes. smacking me when i cried as i watched my grandmas house fade in the distance. i also lived with my grandmother for the first few years of my life. I have never found that love again. she died when i was 12. the last thing she asked me, with tears in her eyes, was if i would come with her, live with her, go to school there. i said i had to take care of the animals and chores and my brother and sisters. she left.
and i knew something was wrong. she threw our little dog out the window before she hit the first stump i heard... and totalled the car, about an hour away from my house. no one really knows what happened exactly. or why. but she was in the hospital after that. and didnt seem to want to see me. and when she died was when everything got worse. and i had nothing then. nothing between me and my mom. and no one who truly loved me. and i spent my life searching for that love. which led me to stupid men.. drama filled, abusive, and i never realized until a couple years ago, that nothing could ever match the intensity i felt when it came to love. i never knew what love really was. and the only love i had was used against me.
and invalidated when she died. i dont want my daughter to ever feel this way.

and my mom did call me today. to ask if she could come over. i let her see the baby. she was completely cordial... and nice... asking how the weather and work was... RIDICULOUS. like nothing ever happened. like she didnt freak out at me and yell at me. i just dont know what to do when it comes to her.
and i dont know how it will affect my daughter in the long term. but the decision needs to be made now.
i dont want my mom involving my daughter in our problems in the future. with my daughter wondering why mommy is mad at gramma... when gramma says this about mommy. like she does with my youngest sister. tells my 14 year old sister my business, my debts, my relationships... things that arent even her business that she sticks her nose into. and my sister thinks im a stupid slut. and crazy.
great.

ok. well thats enough for now... thanks suzy and prayin