Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
To let go of this relationship I have to understand what he meant to be. So I will try to write it down to get rid of it
1) He represented my value: as far as I can remember, people would say I am ugly, I remember of uncountable situations where people whould actually say it, that I would look ugly, too skinny, horrible etc. With this man besides me, I would feel pretty, I would feel like: hey people, look what the ugly girl got, I would feel somehow better than others because he was so “good and perfect”
2) He represented the perfect package, whatever quality I thought a guy needed to have, he would have it(not talking about the inside obviously), he was tall, and handsome, and successful, and travelled all over the world, and had a good job, a lot of money and the perfect body, and the perfect hair (god, I struggle here), anything I would say: this is my dream man, he had it. I forgot to ask god for one thing, character, this he did not have…
3) After 2 really bad relationships I thought, NOW this is it, this is my man, this is my gift from God, I thought: after all I have been trough I am sure now, THIS TIME, it is going to work, now I am going to be loved, accepted, cared, now it is going to be different, because it is already enough pain, now its not going to be bad again, not bad again, not again, not again….(here is where I feel the biggest pain, I can almost touch it). I would think: please love me this time, pls, I would do everything, ANYTHING for it, just love me… just open your arms and tell me: come here, I love you.
4) I am Brazilian, he is german, I always (don’t know when it started, but long time ago) would say: I want a german boyfriend, they are such a gentleman, they are so handsome, and bla we travelled to Germany last Christmas, it was a dream come true, I would look at him and just think: oh my god, this is my man. I can say that he would look for me basically as a princess
I think that is pretty much it… a question: for more bullshit, childhood, whatever it seems, these things are sooo important and SOOOO big for me, how do I let go of all of it. How?
Have to stop writing, too much pain.
1) He represented my value: as far as I can remember, people would say I am ugly, I remember of uncountable situations where people whould actually say it, that I would look ugly, too skinny, horrible etc. With this man besides me, I would feel pretty, I would feel like: hey people, look what the ugly girl got, I would feel somehow better than others because he was so “good and perfect”
2) He represented the perfect package, whatever quality I thought a guy needed to have, he would have it(not talking about the inside obviously), he was tall, and handsome, and successful, and travelled all over the world, and had a good job, a lot of money and the perfect body, and the perfect hair (god, I struggle here), anything I would say: this is my dream man, he had it. I forgot to ask god for one thing, character, this he did not have…
3) After 2 really bad relationships I thought, NOW this is it, this is my man, this is my gift from God, I thought: after all I have been trough I am sure now, THIS TIME, it is going to work, now I am going to be loved, accepted, cared, now it is going to be different, because it is already enough pain, now its not going to be bad again, not bad again, not again, not again….(here is where I feel the biggest pain, I can almost touch it). I would think: please love me this time, pls, I would do everything, ANYTHING for it, just love me… just open your arms and tell me: come here, I love you.
4) I am Brazilian, he is german, I always (don’t know when it started, but long time ago) would say: I want a german boyfriend, they are such a gentleman, they are so handsome, and bla we travelled to Germany last Christmas, it was a dream come true, I would look at him and just think: oh my god, this is my man. I can say that he would look for me basically as a princess
I think that is pretty much it… a question: for more bullshit, childhood, whatever it seems, these things are sooo important and SOOOO big for me, how do I let go of all of it. How?
Have to stop writing, too much pain.
Why believe what other people say - people say things to make themselves feel better and bring someone down. Can you think of the people who tell you you are beautiful - beauty is internal as well as external. Why define ourselves through someone else? i ask myself this all the time. Why haven't I got the courage to build my own life and be me in my own right. We sometime have an expectation that someone will care, accept and love us - we have to ask ourselves the hard question. "Do I provide this for myself?"
I heard about a really good thing to help us realise what we are carrying around. Fill a bag full of big stones. The bag will be really full and heavy. One by one pull out a stone and imagine it as a thought, feeling or belief. Ask yourself if you want that in your life and if not discard it in your garden somewhere. If you want it put it to one side. Once you have gone through the bag but back the stones you want feel how much lighter the bag feels. The bag represents your life, the stones all the rubbish we carry around in our head and hearts.
I know from being on this forum in the past and returning agin going through a difficult letting go process that writing is so helpful.
Keep strong.
i want to share something that i have come to believe in wholeheartedly. it's the thing that i've learned through coaching that has changed my life.
every single negative emotion we have is based on a painful belief we hold about ourselves.
think about that for while. okay??
what it means to me is that i am in charge of my emotions!!! that's great news!! our belief systems are so freaking faulty it's unbelievable. we are not wrong it's just that we call them tribal beliefs which come from messages in childhood that don't even fit with our authentic selves as adults. yet we get into conflict with them b/c we are supposed to have that belief.
in your post above you shared a lot of fantasy thoughts. wwltm are especially good at fantasy. but that is not the same as reality. it's based on those tribal beliefs. so there is a way to question those beliefs and painful thoughts which cause painful emotions. when we do clean up our thinking we take different actions in life which bring us different results automatically. you don't have to change what you're doing you have to change your belief systems and your actions will automatically change....
just think about it please and let us know what you think..........
here are a few of the beliefs i can glean from above that could be questioned...
germans are gentlemen and make good boyfriends.
he was perfect in every way.
i should be better by now. (even though you hadn't done the work)
these things are soooooooo important and sooooooooooo big for me, how do i let them go..
he represented your value.
It has taken me a lot of hard work and I think I have not done enough a lot of days. However I do not have those moments anymore where I feel so lost and empty and like there is nothing left of me or my life. I now think, oh yea I still have me. And me is ok. Not great yet, but not horrible and empty like I used to feel. No matter what happens in my life I will always have me. So why am I beating me up? It does no good.
I have proved to myself that thinking bad thoughts about myself for over 40 years has not inspired me to do better. It has not made me want to get out there and become more positive. It has not fullfilled any of my dreams. No it has just made me miserable and kept me down. So after looking back at all those years I am finally willing to try something new. And you know what...it is working!!
Finn is so right about the positive thoughts and changing your thinking. Also about making the man my god. My value system. Making me him!
My therapist told me a wonderful thing that I think about often...."If I am busy thinking and worrying about him, than who is worrying and taking care of me? No one. So that is why I feel so lonely and empty." Makes sense to me now. I first must think of me.