Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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Chancenme 02/17/2015

Writing this is really hard for me right now. I didn't want to be in this place again and with the same guy. I am not new to this site however I have not been here in a very long time. You ladies gave me the strength and courage to end it with my BF over a year ago and I spent 10 months without him. I began to miss him terribly, it hurt I missed him so bad. I unblocked his phone number and text him. 10 min later I got a call. That was six months ago. We met up, talked, and decided that we had both changed and wanted to give it another try. Things were good, not great, just good. He had changed, we spent more time together, he was more invested in my life, and allowed me into his. But, parts of our previous relationship crept in. He kept me at a certain distance, we don't do "normal" couple things together, he has his life and I have mine and we meet after. About a month ago things started going south; we fought at least once a week over something stupid. After the last time I thought we had finally made head way and we would try to work on things before it became a fight. Then he got distant and cold and told me he needed space and distance. I asked if he wanted to end things and he said no he "just doesn't have anything to say." Needless to say I freaked out!!! All my insecurities and fears from before came flooding back. It was a bad week...... yesterday I felt like we both decided we were going to move past this and things started looking up until last night. I haven't seen him in 9 days and the only communication we have are through texts. He said he isn't comfortable seeing me right now and he is trying to muster the energy to make our relationship better.
I AM ANGRY!! and I can't get over it!!! I want to lash out at him!! How dare he do this to me again!! How in the world are we going to make anything better if we don't see each other and the only way we communicate is through text. I know this man is not for me, I know it in my bones but I can't give him up! I want to text him everyday "its over!!" but I can't muster the strength because he will ride this out and come back drawing me back in and I will fall for it because I am weak!

Chancenme 02/17/2015

Hi Waterlilies, I truly appreciate your kind words. I am trying to take control back. its a battle we constantly have; he gets distant I get needy and vice versa. A couple days ago he told me to snap out of it! I woke up the next morning feeling better and wanting to make amends..... not 4 hours later his mood was negative again. Its too much for me. In the end I know what's best, I just need the strength.

Chancenme 02/17/2015

It is hard...... I have been doing a lot or reading up on unavailable men, why they are unavailable, what causes it etc. I have been trying to diagnose him to make myself feel better and say to him "see its all your fault because you are X." But there is something I failed to realize until just recently, I am just like him...... I am unavailable which is why I choose them. All the men in my past who loved and adored me, treated me well and respected me I discarded. I ran as fast as I could away from them. I felt smothered. There is a reason I choose these men and I cannot place the blame on them. I am angry with myself for not realizing it sooner.

LallyG 02/18/2015

It sounds like that push me, pull me type of relationship. It sounds like you recognise its not a healthy relationship.. The news is he isn't going to change unless he wants to so that means your only choice is to focus on you and have a long look in the mirror at the root cause of this. I have been in a similar place and I am not in contact with my x anymore. Coming up 3 months..this my 6th attempt at ending it. I know I can't go back as it is so damaging. I'm sort 9f missing the drama but at least I have recognised that. I also know my triggers to want to make contact. Its when I feel vulnerable... You will find your'e strength!

Chancenme 02/18/2015

Waterlilies - I have been blaming the men my entire life, but the common denominator is me. I guess anger is the wrong word, I feel more sad. But you are right, knowing this now I can begin the healing process and recognize when I may be making decisions that will hurt me and my son in the long term. I believe deep down I do not trust men, I have not had a stable male influence in my life. my father was an alcoholic who spent most of my childhood in jail, stepfather was a womanizer, and most men I have dated have ran away once I started to question where the relationship was going. I think I have a broken picker as my mom would say.

LallyG - that's exactly what kind of relationship it is. and its emotionally draining. I feel sick and tired all the time. I don't want to do anything or be with anyone. Its not fair to my son and I am setting a terrible example for him. His father isn't around and every man I have dated is gone. I am scared he is going to grow up thinking this is an expectable way to treat women. This is my 20th time trying to end it........ I had made it 10 months no contact. His mother passed away during that time and I sent a sympathy card but that was it...... no other communication at all. I started to feel such a strong pull to him. I thought I can't be the only one feeling this... he has to be feeling it too it was too strong. I thought the time may have healed us. But now I don't think it did. I think he was able to keep his true self hidden longer. But I can't blame him, I made my choice.

LallyG 02/18/2015

Your right about choices, but you can choose to be different now. I get what you mean about your son. I have two boys and I want them to have healthy relationships. Maybe it is about focusing on your relationship with him..You sound weary from all of this and it sounds like you are giving yourself a hard time, be kind to yourself? Not sure what books you have read. The one that helped me was "the no contact rule" by Natalie Lue at http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

Chancenme 02/18/2015

I am very familiar with baggagereclaim, I have been here before with the same man. I guess I didn't learn from the first go around. Her website was very helpful to me and helped me understand that no matter how hard I tried, how much I gave, what I felt, it would never be enough. I am being hard on myself right now, you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, not continuously make them. I am hoping I can be strong through this process. I mustered up the courage to end it with him because I knew ultimately its what needed to be done. He was kind about it and agreed we had to end things, but my fear is he will come back and I will give in. He always knows what to say to get me back.

Chancenme 02/18/2015

Congratulations!! 15 months is such a long time especially when he's contacted you. I had to block him on my phone because I didn't trust myself. I may do that again depending on how this goes. But you are correct and my mom even said that, boring beats depressed and miserable any day, at least you have control and boring doesn't ruin your day! I am literally sitting in my office crying and have been all day. its been affecting my work and I can't afford to let it do that because I have a son who relies on me. Its so strange how we let these men affect us to the point of being debilitated and we risk losing our family, friend and jobs over.

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