Hang tight, girl. We just care so much, we have so much to give, so much love. There are moments I feel panic and sadness but it takes your inner strength to move you along.

You're on your way! :)

I think we not only love too much; we think too much. Why can't we want what we want. When I vehemently state something to my 23-year-old son and then worry that I've offended him by disagreeing, he tells me, "Mom, you are entitled to your opinion." We want what we want ... whether we think we can or not. This is our real life, and we need to live it. I found out a week ago that I will probably be pushed out of my job ... two and a half years before my planned retirement. It happens all the time in the private sector; I'm a public school teacher, and it's happening there, too. I feel ashamed somehow, that same way I have felt most of my life whenever something happens that is outside of my control. Something I will need to deal with in the days and weeks ahead. After one year of no dating and not even talking to anyone about dating, and one week after learning I'm on the chopping block ... it will be a long and painful demise ... I have started talking to someone who might be special. He wrote me that he thinks I'm hiding. Of course I am. Hiding from my past. Hiding from him so he won't find something "wrong" with me. What IS that?! We're both real people. We might fit; we might not. I will never know if I don't open myself up to taking a chance. If I haven't turned him off, then I'm going to give myself a chance. You weren't happy with Austin. He didn't do what you want. Did he try to meet you halfway? In my tradition, love is all about giving. Which doesn't mean you discount yourself. It means you care so much for another that you give them what they want and need. Only you know exactly what happened; I have read how you tried to meet him halfway. Although I don't really get how it works, I believe we attract what we want. So want it. Whatever it is. And please be gentler with yourself. You are a very special person.

I recently spoke to my therapist about my relationship prior to this last one with the N. He was great, emotional, active, had a great daughter, he was just a great person all around. But everything was going to happen in his time frame and I always had to go to him, eventually I was so disappointed that I left him. That was when I went to the N and it was the perfect storm. I was thinking that this other relationship was the healthier one when in fact it was the same thing, just looked a bit different. I wasn't getting what I needed there either.. All of this is happening for a reason for all of us, we get it now and that is the most important thing. Keep your eyes looking forward, don't look back. Live for today, love yourself today and lean on all of us. Its a new life now, even though some days it feels like were stuck, were not! This is all part of a bigger plan. Hugs to you.

Dracona, Looking back does not allow you to move forward. The bottom line is that Austin was not providing you with what you desired. You should never except less than the extraordinary....and it will come but not while your life is filled with the mundane. Move forward in the direction that you want to go, do not define yourself by your relationships....when you change your perceptions about yourself you will attract those people into your life who agree with you. much love to you and that precious little one!

(((((dracona)))))))

I agree with everything that's been said here. You left for a reason. Remember it. Probably lots of reasons. Maybe it would help to write a list?

I have a guy I knew from elementary school pursuing me on facebook. I was interested at first, but there are red flags going up all over the place. And guess what? I'm paying attention! What's more, I started to sense myself doing the things I've done in the past -- namely starting to become the woman he was expecting me to be. Frig that!!! I have nipped that in the bud! Thanks in very large part to this wonderful community of loving and supportive and understanding women.

Take care, Dracona.

Love,

ppp

Thanks all. that means alot unicorn and rayvyn, thanks for reminding me. I do remind myself of that, especially when i think i might want it back, then he comes over, hair a mess, looking like he hadnt showered reguardless of whether or not he did... and i know the house is trashed. and those things do bother me, but sometimes when we talk, he is incredibly rational minded and helps me think through whatever is bothering me, and i miss that part of him. but i dont know i could go back to the every day drag of, im the only one doing it. his bills total 1300 a month, lets even give him 1500 if he pays on anything he owes in the past. he is always behind on his car payment, does not pay his phone bill which is in my name, put me in collections with the gas company, and electric because he asked me to leave it in my name for him... and he makes.... at least 2400 if he works all his hours, which he doesnt. he says i have more money than him cause i get child support. but i dont have to rely on child support. i do right now, because i dont work all my hours because of college and i dont want to overload myself. and i have more bills than he does. its a bunch of poo. and i know that if i went back, unless i took complete control of everything, that it would always be like that. my mind just wanders, is it so bad? truly such a bad thing? i guess for me, for some reason it is. never settle for less than extraordinary... and after my most recent relationship before i caught him lying to me, i was on cloud nine. ive never had anyone be responsible, and have those goals with me, and interact with me, in things i liked to do as well. riding horses even, and actually liking it. hiking. working out, being outdoors. dancing. it was alot of fun. and he would take me out, get me new flowers for the table every couple weeks. always leave something for me to eat. i always felt like i was thought of. i could wake him up in the middle of the night from a dead sleep and he would get me a glass of water. he would take me shopping, and actually get miffed at me if i refused to get anything.
whether this was an illusion from him or not, i now think this is what i deserve in the real sense.
i want my white picket fence damnit. and whether its me treating me this way, or a partner, i deserve nothing less.

Austin may be the best relationship that you ever had but it still wasn't the relationship that you wanted. They are right- remember that you left for a reason. Never settle. I've just left the best relationship I've ever had as well- not because we didn't care for each other but because he wasn't progressing and I was settling. You made the right choice and just know that right now you need to take the time for yourself. You WILL find that person that you are the happiest with.

Maybe you should look at it this way. Austin was the best you ever had? So that makes him the best of the worst. Do you think you can't do better then the best of the worst?

I know. I just miss the warmness and solidity. And what do I tell my daughter? Her real dad a doosh. Austin is her daddy as far as its all concerned. I would never take that love from her. I just hope I don't confuse her in the long run.