Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
We fought, we talked, i cried...
I wish i had it in me to give him a chance. He is so different from the men in the past, yet the same results. He is not always unavailable. its hard. So very hard because he has seen me at my PTSD violent triggered worst.
I remember I was triggered very badly once, when we first moved in together. My mom and my sister gained up on me, and I LOST IT. I remember getting up from the couch, it was like watching from outside my body. I had no control. and i punched through a wall, straight into the bathroom... i came back in my body with my hand through the wall. I was mortified. I thought he would leave me, and i realized i was lucky that no one was in front of me... what if my daughter had been in front of me? I have pushed my daughter out of the way before... not meaning to... I feel so awful for these things, like a horrible mother... I HATE PTSD. i hate it. i hate the label. i keep mentioning it because DENIAL isnt going to get it fixed. just because i hate it does not mean i can pretend it doesnt exist and will go away simply by me wanting it to. i have accepted the fact. I am seeing two different counselors right now. But if he had been in front of me then and not outside... I very well may have went through him. all I know is, i can be violent. not purposefully. not wanting to be. i have not had another episode that bad... and that was the first in about 13 years. i can usually control it to not get to that point, but what happened that day between my mom and my sisters caught me off guard. I am by far very difficult to live with, because sometimes I need DARK. i need space. and especially now trying to deal with it, i can be VERY unavailable. I can disassociate and space out for HOURS, and never mean to. There are times he goes to bed while i sit and stare at a wall not even realizing he has gone to bed. There are many times i cant stand to be touched because my skin crawls. I wasnt always this way. There are times i put him down by pointing out his flaws not because I want to hurt him, but because im feeling vulnerable and I need to establish myself as someone who wont be hurt. I can be cold. and angry. There are times he wants to take us out, to the movie or even to the grocery store... and im fine... we start having a good time... then suddenly the anxiety creeps up and i have no idea why and my mood changes, and any pressure from him to try and make me back to the way i was 5 minutes ago is met with anger, because i need quiet. i need all the noise in the world to stop for a moment and his voice is in my ear. sometimes he cant take it. he has to leave for a while and go for a drive.
When i lost my job and was about to have to live in a shelter... he got us the place we are all in now even though he couldnt afford it and knew I had NO income, and no soon prospect of one. he said we would figure it out. he has never held money against me. He goes to school every morning at 4am to run 5 miles because its required of him and attend his classes, even sick as a dog. He is extremely responsible. I do not believe he is a N. He is not jealous or controlling. I can go out with my guy friends til early morning hours and he says nothing but asks if i had a good time. He has no substance abuse.
For the past 2 years, even in our rough spots, he has been there for me when i needed him most. He has caused me heartache and confusion... but the bottom line is that i do know he loves me. and i know its not all bad, and that alot of the bad, could be caused by me, as i am working myself out finding that I am sicker than i thought as the layers reveal themselves...
I dont believe we should be together anymore... because he hit me. He lost it. but it took him a long time to get there. He is willing to do couples counseling... But i do not think I can get past this. He thinks we can work through anything. Its so hard to see past the Fog of my own shadows sometimes, but due to financial situations, i have to stay here. I will not go to a shelter unless he shows signs it will happen again. I have to be here with him until september/october when the lease is up and i know that I will have money. im waiting on 2 things. an acceptance letter from UW for my bachelors program, and Voc Rehab to kick in with the full money stipend. when i have those things i will know what i can do to be financially secure with my child.
I just dont know what else to do. I have told so few people about what happened. and unfortunately he is jaded in their eyes as him and my ex got in a fight, well, it was more of HIM fighting my ex because my ex owed me alot of money and I was struggling and because of my ex taking advantage of the fact i helped him out by leaving the gas bill in my name, my credit is now destroyed. he didn't pay it, and they came after it from me.
I just dont know. and alot of this is hard for me to admit. I know if a man was having the issues I was having... i would not put up with HIM. especially cause of my past. I am a bit crude and unforgiving.. OH? you have issues? I could honestly care less these days. i spent so much time in the past forgiving and justifying and letting myself be walked over that it honestly makes me angry to give any man with me any sympathy. All the men who hurt me... that i let hurt me... over and over again... FUCK. it still holds the air of normality, but i should feel lucky to be alive. I could have been KILLED easily. by 3-4 differnet men at least. I have never known what is a good relationship and bad. It was only by self help books that i realized i even had a problem when i was wondering why me one day. I have not found the balance. i went the opposite route. I guess in a way, I have become a bit of the monsters that made me, I am just not a monster to the core. My give a damn's busted right now and im trying to get free of the sheet of ice i encased myself in. I spent time alone. I thought i was ok. and im coming to a realization that i may learn tools to deal with this... but i may never truly be ok. This is imbedded in every cell of my body, and it will always remember.
so is it really that bad that he lost it on me? when ive lost it on everyone near me?
I wish i had it in me to give him a chance. He is so different from the men in the past, yet the same results. He is not always unavailable. its hard. So very hard because he has seen me at my PTSD violent triggered worst.
I remember I was triggered very badly once, when we first moved in together. My mom and my sister gained up on me, and I LOST IT. I remember getting up from the couch, it was like watching from outside my body. I had no control. and i punched through a wall, straight into the bathroom... i came back in my body with my hand through the wall. I was mortified. I thought he would leave me, and i realized i was lucky that no one was in front of me... what if my daughter had been in front of me? I have pushed my daughter out of the way before... not meaning to... I feel so awful for these things, like a horrible mother... I HATE PTSD. i hate it. i hate the label. i keep mentioning it because DENIAL isnt going to get it fixed. just because i hate it does not mean i can pretend it doesnt exist and will go away simply by me wanting it to. i have accepted the fact. I am seeing two different counselors right now. But if he had been in front of me then and not outside... I very well may have went through him. all I know is, i can be violent. not purposefully. not wanting to be. i have not had another episode that bad... and that was the first in about 13 years. i can usually control it to not get to that point, but what happened that day between my mom and my sisters caught me off guard. I am by far very difficult to live with, because sometimes I need DARK. i need space. and especially now trying to deal with it, i can be VERY unavailable. I can disassociate and space out for HOURS, and never mean to. There are times he goes to bed while i sit and stare at a wall not even realizing he has gone to bed. There are many times i cant stand to be touched because my skin crawls. I wasnt always this way. There are times i put him down by pointing out his flaws not because I want to hurt him, but because im feeling vulnerable and I need to establish myself as someone who wont be hurt. I can be cold. and angry. There are times he wants to take us out, to the movie or even to the grocery store... and im fine... we start having a good time... then suddenly the anxiety creeps up and i have no idea why and my mood changes, and any pressure from him to try and make me back to the way i was 5 minutes ago is met with anger, because i need quiet. i need all the noise in the world to stop for a moment and his voice is in my ear. sometimes he cant take it. he has to leave for a while and go for a drive.
When i lost my job and was about to have to live in a shelter... he got us the place we are all in now even though he couldnt afford it and knew I had NO income, and no soon prospect of one. he said we would figure it out. he has never held money against me. He goes to school every morning at 4am to run 5 miles because its required of him and attend his classes, even sick as a dog. He is extremely responsible. I do not believe he is a N. He is not jealous or controlling. I can go out with my guy friends til early morning hours and he says nothing but asks if i had a good time. He has no substance abuse.
For the past 2 years, even in our rough spots, he has been there for me when i needed him most. He has caused me heartache and confusion... but the bottom line is that i do know he loves me. and i know its not all bad, and that alot of the bad, could be caused by me, as i am working myself out finding that I am sicker than i thought as the layers reveal themselves...
I dont believe we should be together anymore... because he hit me. He lost it. but it took him a long time to get there. He is willing to do couples counseling... But i do not think I can get past this. He thinks we can work through anything. Its so hard to see past the Fog of my own shadows sometimes, but due to financial situations, i have to stay here. I will not go to a shelter unless he shows signs it will happen again. I have to be here with him until september/october when the lease is up and i know that I will have money. im waiting on 2 things. an acceptance letter from UW for my bachelors program, and Voc Rehab to kick in with the full money stipend. when i have those things i will know what i can do to be financially secure with my child.
I just dont know what else to do. I have told so few people about what happened. and unfortunately he is jaded in their eyes as him and my ex got in a fight, well, it was more of HIM fighting my ex because my ex owed me alot of money and I was struggling and because of my ex taking advantage of the fact i helped him out by leaving the gas bill in my name, my credit is now destroyed. he didn't pay it, and they came after it from me.
I just dont know. and alot of this is hard for me to admit. I know if a man was having the issues I was having... i would not put up with HIM. especially cause of my past. I am a bit crude and unforgiving.. OH? you have issues? I could honestly care less these days. i spent so much time in the past forgiving and justifying and letting myself be walked over that it honestly makes me angry to give any man with me any sympathy. All the men who hurt me... that i let hurt me... over and over again... FUCK. it still holds the air of normality, but i should feel lucky to be alive. I could have been KILLED easily. by 3-4 differnet men at least. I have never known what is a good relationship and bad. It was only by self help books that i realized i even had a problem when i was wondering why me one day. I have not found the balance. i went the opposite route. I guess in a way, I have become a bit of the monsters that made me, I am just not a monster to the core. My give a damn's busted right now and im trying to get free of the sheet of ice i encased myself in. I spent time alone. I thought i was ok. and im coming to a realization that i may learn tools to deal with this... but i may never truly be ok. This is imbedded in every cell of my body, and it will always remember.
so is it really that bad that he lost it on me? when ive lost it on everyone near me?
The thing about abusive men is that they lie on a spectrum of abusiveness. They are not always black or white. Some are more 'bad' than others. This guy sounds like he just crosses the line. As hard as it is, you not wanting to give him another chance is a really, really good thing. Hitting you is unacceptable, you clearly know that, and it shows a lot of strength that you are willing to walk away.
You are admitting here that you are emotionally available and he has 'put up' with a lot from you. Yet, you have never hit him. Remember that. As much as you did, you were never abusive to him. Being emotionally unavailable or angry sometimes is okay. Punching the wall is a violent act, yet not towards a PERSON.
I would suggest, hang in until your lease is up and then once you have that money, find your own place.
It is extremely hard because ALL abusive men have good things about them. Ted Bundy once saved a drowning child. I'm not saying your guy is as bad as him, but I'm trying to show that people can have good points and also very bad points. And the bad points can make it unacceptable to live with them. You have love him, you don't have to be with him.
I think you clearly know what you need to do. Don't second guess yourself. You are aware of what is happening. You know this is unacceptable. Stick with it. Keep going with your degree. Find your own place where you and your daughter will be safe.
Sending you lots of support X
i really think your ptsd is running your life instead of the other way around. you can regain a sense of safety and control in your life!
the best way to do this in my opinion the only way is to do two things...
get yourself in DBT, dialectical behavioral training NOW! find a way. if you cannot get yourself in therapy with a therapist who can do prolonged exposure therapy. you need help NOW!
the dissociation, again in my opinion based on my own dbt therapy which i enrolled in b/c of my ptsd has taught me that dissociation is an avoidance tactic. avoidance is the cornerstone of PTSD. the reason we get into problems with ptsd and have lifelong ptsd is b/c we tend to avoid getting the right help. talk therapy does not work and in my personal experience actually makes ptsd worse!!! most therapists do not understand, really understand dissociation. they think they do but they don't and can actually do things to contribute to and reinforce more dissociation.
you do have the power within yourself to improve your ptsd!!! i am living proof! if i can do it you can too.
find a way, fight for a way to get into dbt and ask your dbt therapist to do prolonged exposure therapy. do not do EMDR! dissociation is contraindicated with EMDR! you would need an expert to do emdr safely.
prolonged exposure therapy has been researched and found to be the most effective treatment modality for PTSD. when you dissociate realize that you are, your psyche is trying to avoid something it's confronted with. give it some space but don't avoid it. the thing we need to do in prolonged exposure therapy is face our fears and not allow ourselves to avoid the scary stimulus but we do it in a safe way.
check these things out online????
DBT (it's effective for much more than borderline personality disorder). my life is changed dracona. drastically. i haven't dissociated for months! you really need to get control of this ptsd or it will ruin your life. i understand your frustration with the symptoms and the dissociation AND you are the only one who can change this in your life by seeking appropriate treatment. i was in talk therapy for my entire adult life and it made my problems worse....they didn't mean to.
the VA has a ptsd program for women.
right now this ptsd shit IS running my life... ive even resorted to starting the paxil they want to put me on, because i need some help somewhere, no matter how afraid i am of taking it. i just started it last night. i hope it helps. ive always been against it. still am. but i have to do something to get out of this hole im in.
im going to go to counseling with him, at least to get through the next few months. i have made it clear that i have to leave. that i cant do it.
ive told a couple friends about it... i shouldnt have. cause the voices in my ear are making it worse.
its hard, because i study psychology... and amazing how hard it is to find a good counselor when you dont have medical, or the funds. ive seen a few in my lifetime, and only that i can remember that might be able to help me. but i cant afford her. so i just have to make due with what i can right now. and i just have to get through this... somehow. it just makes my spirit so weary... that it is happening again. that i cant give my daughter the family she so desires just as much as i do.
i know you're not going to get dbt through the va. just please pelase keep it in mind. and if ever there is a chance at prolonged exposure therapy or dbt (they are separate) take it and run like hell!!!! lots of cbt therapists do prolonged exposure therapy. so try to get a cbt. even if they can't do exposure therapy they can help with your ptsd symptoms.
dracona, no offense but most of us who study psychology are screwed up in some way. we want the pain to end and we want to help other people prevent going through what we went through. i absolutely went to grad school to become a therapist however i really went to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. there is nothing wrong with that but please be clear that all therapists should be in therapy themselves as far as i'm concerned it's a professional responsibility. i am trained therapist and i still got myself into this wwltm mess. i have plenty of insight but it didn't stop me from being self destructive. we cannot do therapy on ourselves.
at least try to find someone who specializes in trauma based issues. if i can find the post where i laid out the coping skills i have learned in dbt for distress tolerance i will cc you in an email.
don't give up!! i would recommend a book if you can afford it. it's called seeking safety. get it fast and read it all. it's a treatment modality they use at the VA in menlo park at the ptsd program. i did some recovery work with the group for a couple years. i love that book myself.
also http://www.amazon.com/Reclaiming-Your-Life-Traumatic-Experience/dp/0195308484/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pd_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=2RX2GZV2VJFIB&coliid=I2DD0KB5548OD2
and
http://www.amazon.com/Prolonged-Exposure-Therapy-PTSD-Experiences/dp/0195308506/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_S_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=2RX2GZV2VJFIB&coliid=I3T5S8TMJ3CRKB
this is the dbt manual here:
http://www.amazon.com/Training-Treating-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/0898620341/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369272887&sr=8-1&keywords=marsha+linehan
if you can afford the books i would start with the dbt book or seeking safety first b/c you need some coping skillis for your ptsd distress/crisis tolerance b/f you can address the dissociation.
seeking safety by najavits is a therapist's book as are the books on prolonged exposure therapy so you get the inside track. since you're studuying psych i thought it would be best to give you the therapists books i recommend......
good luck sweet dracona.
being honest as i can be. the disassociation is killer sometimes, i know i should be feeling a certain emotion, but its void, so sometimes trying to figure out what im feeling or thinking is a tough one. thats why i ask for input on here :) maybe someone sees something in my writing that i am not aware of. it helps. input helps tremendously, helps me take a closer look into what im trying to say, to myself and others.