Hi Sarah. I think having unrequited love is pretty common. We think about what "could have been" even though it probably wouldn't have been that way at all. It is easier to think about the one that got away instead of facing reality dealing with real relationships that didn't pan out.

Daydreaming about someone instead of living life and possibly meeting someone special (if that's what you want) is pointless. If there are qualities you liked about this guy in college make a mental note of those qualities and perhaps you can find them in a new person.

As I said before, it is always easier to create a false reality with someone we never got a chance with than to face the disappointments for those relationships we did have. I think it's pretty normal, but it is not healthy if it interferes with your life now.

Hugs and good thoughts coming your way!

Thanks. I think it was more than just a crush. I think I have a karmic past with this guy because I get a strange vibe when I am with him in person. I can't explain it. Like I knew him before perhaps. There were some qualities about him that are/were good. I was even recently thinking I should delete him as a FB friend but that would be silly and overreacting. It was nice he saw me as a friend. I guess that's how I see him too. As a friend.

I have a problem with unrequited love and crushes ALL THE TIME. Nice to hear I'm not alone.

It's really horrible to continually be in this situation. I ask myself why it is that all the guys that I like, never seem to like me back. Why I always have to try so hard in relationships. I don't know. I currently have a new crush on one of my 'friends' but I feel again like it's never going to go anywhere. This is a guy that I have a lot in common with (on an intellectual level), he actually makes me feel HAPPY, we laugh and joke, etc.

The guys that tend to like me tend to have NOTHING in common with me. Like there is one guy who is totally into me at this thing I go to and he's always trying to talk to me about hunting and shit that I personally find grotesque but he can't seem to get the hint. Our conversations are incredibly stiff and awkward.

Anyways. I personally do NOT think it would be overreacting to delete this guys as a FB friend. You can't get him out of your mind and it's impacting your life. You need to do what is best for you and right for you.

As WWLTM I think we need to forget about 'normal' and do what is best for us. For example, there is this guy I had an unrequited crush on who would have been the an obvious first choice to ask to work on a project with because he had specialized knowledge about that project. In the end, I decided to not work with him (because of the unrequited crush in a large part) and trust myself. I rewarded myself with a dinner out for making that decision and trusting myself. I have no regrets and I do not think I overreacted because it was simply the better thing for me to not work with him and keep my sanity intact.

It seems silly to delete because he has been nice to me since. We actually had a conversation on FB years ago to become friends! Also he is NOT active on FB and rarely goes on. I don't think I would ever get him out of my head. It has been 20 years! LOL.

I have decided to put him into a category though of all the men unavailable to me. That works. I put my ex-husband appropriately there as well! Did it last night. I like my category.

I actually have been talking to a nurse on Plenty of Fish. Only problem is he has a funny nose. I think I can overlook that if he is as nice as he seems. He lives kind of out there though and it would be a drive. Maybe he'll want to come see me.

Sorry you have problems with unrequited love too. I think it is the most painful because nothing comes of it obviously. Check out this book on unrequited love Loves Me...Not by Samara O'Shea. Maybe I should read it again since it has been a while. Found it randomly in the library one day!

Wow, I really should check out that book. Thanks for the rec.

And good on you for recognizing he is technically unavailable and in that category.

I think this is pretty common especially with Women Who Love Too Much--we tend to be attracted to people who--for one reason or another, are not "available". This can be that they're emotionally/physically/psychologically handicapped, or even that they're not "available" because they're in another relationship or they're simply not interested in us that way. We are addicted to unavailable men because we see it as a challenge, and aren't used to healthy relationship dynamics of mutuality.

I have had crushes all of my life on unavailable people. When I was an adolescent I'd have crushes on grown men who were obviously inappropriate for my age/stage in life (never acted on my desires, thankfully); later on I would have crushes on guys who were either minimally or not at all interested in me. Even now I periodically crush on guys (and I'm in a relationship) who are unavailable/unsuitable.

When I was married I had several online relationships, all with guys who lived on the other side of the world and there was no chance in hell that it would materialize into anything. One was with a guy who was married (happily, he claimed), who had no intention whatsoever of leaving his marriage. I extricated myself from that relationship because I felt bad about it. like I was betraying the "sisterhood". But I felt myself attracted to other married, unavailable men and suspected that this was a disorder of some sort that I was experiencing. I read up on everything I could find about why a woman would be interested in a married man, and developed a strong distaste for that type of scenario once I was able to deconstruct the elements of my desire--that it actually indicated a psychological disorder on my part.

When I had been married for about 3 years (we're talking years ago) I met--and I say this loosely, because it was in the context of a business transaction--a guy who ran an upholstery shop, and I got this vibe from him that he was really interested in me. Of course, I was newly married with two young children and it didn't cross my mind at all of straying outside the marriage. I thought about it periodically, however, over the years and wondered if he had actually been interested in me or if it was just my imagination. About 20 years later I needed the same couch re-upholstered and phoned the shop. In the meantime he had gotten married and had raised a family, and I had divorced (but was in a new relationship), and he came over to pick up the couch. I got that same vibe from him, but with a nuance--we'd both aged, but of course I wondered, like you in yours, if there was some deep, underlying chemical attraction between us since I'd never forgotten about him. As the business transaction progressed, it became quite evident to me that he was indeed interested in me, that it wasn't my imagination. In fact he even hugged me, said a verbal endearment, and gave me a peck on the cheek when he dropped off the chair, which he did for me at material cost only. Totally inappropriate, I know, but at the time it didn't feel creepy, it simply felt like that was the extent it would ever go, that this was his way of having closure with someone he had felt attracted to in his younger years, and still did, but realized he had obligations and commitments.

On the other hand, maybe he was a serial philanderer and I just didn't know it and I had romanticized things in my mind. It's possible. When I thought about it at the time there was no way I would have pursued it as I had too much to lose in my current relationship, and also--it would have been feeding into my earlier propensity to be attracted to unavailable men. I know that's a rather long, drawn-out explanation of my own experience in relationship to yours, but I thought I'd share it in case it helped bring clarity to your situation.

Wow artgrrl, thanksfor sharing. I didn't realize that you had so many experiences also with crushes. I never thought of this as all as a disorder. When you say that though it somehow rings true. I find myself also continually crushing on unavailable men. All the time. I always feel like I like them and THEN I notice they are unavailable but maybe that isn't true.
I just feel overwhelmed by men who are actually into me

I just want to clarify I don't think I have a crush on him anymore but I did once. I got through that by wishing him the best in life and to find love. He has and I am happy for him. It was very generous of me to wish him love and the best with all the stuff he put me through but that was my way of sending him off with love. So I guess I think of him as a friend now. I had a weird dream about an ex-co-worker who is married. I don't know why. It had more to do with my work which I dream about a lot than with him. Once I had a crush on a gay man. Talk about unavailable! I forget his name!

I think I just want to find a relationship like I had with my ex-husband before all the problems where I could be myself.

Sarah, I'm glad you had resolution at least. It sounds like you've experienced a healthy relationship before. The very act of co-habitation can make the fires of love grow cold, what with having to deal with each other's peculiarities which, at first seemed charming but eventually grate on the nerves. Ahhhh....domesticity.

Goingup--I never actually thought of crushes themselves as a disorder, it was the fact that I was attracted to married men. That's what I saw as a disorder. You see, these guys weren't able to give me what I needed. I wasn't getting what I needed in my own relationship either, for that matter. It was like I was drawn to situations where the natural outcome would be pain, to me who were not able to give of themselves. But I find how you phrased it makes me see it in a different perspective--that crushes can indicate that the crusher is unable to experience mutual intimacy (for whatever reason). Perhaps, like you, they find it overwhelming and the object of the crusher's desire is at a safe distance away and therefore not a threat. For me, when I was younger, I had a rich fantasy life in my head. For me--my crushes on older guys provided me with fodder for my fantasies. Maybe it was a way of mentally playing grown-up.

I once had a crush on a clergyman (this is the first time I've ever mentioned this to anyone). In my fantasy we were trapped on a deserted island and eventually things got randy in the fantasy. Not sure if that would be a disorder, per say. I had no intention of ever acting on that one, it was just fun to think of when I was bored. I'm sure psychoanalysts would stretch that one like a rubber band.