Hello,

I know that we have heard a million times that what a guy does is not about you- but rather it speaks for who he is. But how many of us really truly believe and understand that. I didn't for a very long time. I believed that what others did or did not do was connected to my worth and my behavior.

I have a friend that asks herself "did I do something wrong" every time she gets into an agreement with her husband. I blamed myself for my parents inability to show up, to express, to interact in healthy ways. Even recently when the neighbor was not calling the first thing I asked myself was what did I do wrong. What did I do that caused him to treat me this way. The answer for me and for all of us is nothing. If we can really understand this, become aware of it, and believe it- it will change us down to the core of who we are. It eliminates blame not just from other but from yourself as well.

If we accept this as being a truth then it really changes the ball game. We are free but we are now responsible for our feelings, wants, and behaviors. There is no more blaming him for how you feel, their is no more blaming others for you pains, fears, doubts, and insecurities. I really love the idea that he is acting like and ass because he is an ass but when I have to take responsibility for my own weakness, my desperation, my neediness- it does not feel so good. I love to think that I am a woman who just loves too much and keeps meeting men who cannot appreciate how wonderful I am. Even though the book has defined us as WWLTM we have to admit that in truth what we do or have done has nothing to do with love. It really is just an unconscious attempt to avoid pain by creating and participating in painful relationship that mirror childhood ones.

But being responsible does not have to mean feeling guilty or carrying around shame. I understand that my neediness, controlling behaviors, desperation, and manipulation all stem from coping mechanism gained in childhood. I also realize that they are for now my first thought- my knee jerk response. I have to take a moment and think things through before I act. I extend myself compassion, self-love, and self-care. I removed the have too and it is important to me that I feel good. I am learning that the truth about me is not bad. I don't make excuses for myself but I also don't condemn myself either. The truth is that I struggle, the truth is that I am scared but the truth is that I am willing to take responsibility for that now. I am not looking for a savior nor do I need to blame anyone else for it either. If I met a man who had his self together it would not transfer to my healing if anything it would only scare me on heighten my awareness of my own broken places.

If we are truthful there is a sense of peace and power in dating the guy who cant find a job, is addicted to drugs, emotionally unavailable. He allows us to hide behind his issues but as well all know that hiding place does not last for very long. And I love the fantasy just as much as the next girl but ever so slowly I am starting to realize that the fantasy really is just as fantasy. I also realize that if I was healed I would not be looking so desperately for anyone to do anything. Yes, we are social beings that need human interaction. We are not meant to live alone. But my fantasy is not about interacting with a man they are about being saved by a man. They are about him meeting my every need, my every requirement, they are about him giving me purpose, passion, and a fulfilling life. They are about winning the childhood that I lost at. They are about finally being loved, seen, and validated. There is nothing healthy about that. Do I believe that I must be totally healed before I can date- no. I believe that I have to understand that my healing is MY RESPONSIBILITY not his.

So the next time I am attracted to a man who is not available for a relationship I have to own that. The next time I stay after he lies, cheats, does drugs again- I have to own that. I have to stop researching his disease and pay attention to my own. I have to stop diagnosing him as narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, borderline personality disorder, etc. I have to stop helping him find a job, keep a job, get into a support group, talk about it, pray about it. I have to take responsibility for me while allowing him to take responsibility for himself. Why should I continue to feel compassion for his terrible childhood while ignoring my own. Why should I look at him as so helpless when I feel that way myself. Why get angry with him doing the same thing over and over again when I keep asking him to change over and over again.

I'm no expert. I just wrote a post about being in a tailspin over a text message. I was home alone Sat and thought about calling or texting the weed smoking neighbor. But I didn't text and I never will. Because if I do call or text him how could I blame anyone but myself when he shows himself to be exactly what I know he is. It is not his fault that I want to change him and he does not want to be changed. He does not have to stop smoking weed for me. And I have to not be with him for me.

The changes in us are taking place they are slow but they are happening- we just have to be patient with the process. Last thing I want to give is an example. My sister in law and I have had a rough relationship. My brother and I are close- my sister in law and I are both WWLTM. So, you can see where the fear and insecurities will cause us to bump head over my brother's love and attention. A couple of days ago my brother called and said that my sister in law said that we should not call our niece while she is working because she might get in trouble. I said how did she know we called our niece and he said because my niece called her mom and told her we called. I was thinking if she called then why are you all concern that she can get in trouble for calling. But I didn't say that I said- ok and left it alone. I was angry with my sister in law for the comment and angry at my brother for relaying the message and then I realized it had nothing to do with me. My sister in law feels excluded because I call my bother or my nieces but I never call her. My brother was attempting to placate the situation. I don't care what my sister in law says or does nor do I care what my brother says or does. I don't call my sister in law unless I have to and in the future I will just text my niece. I am done attempting to shape and mold myself for others. Nothing that I do will make my sister in law feel better or treat me better. She is scared and I cant fix that. But I can take care of myself and quite frankly I really don't give a damn anymore.