Thought these two articles might help put some of the pieces together. much love to you.


Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser (Part 1)

PART 1 By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD


People are often amazed at their own psychological conditions and reactions. Those with depression are stunned when they remember theyâve thought of killing themselves. Patients recovering from severe psychiatric disturbances are often shocked as they remember their symptoms and behavior during the episode. A patient with Bipolar Disorder recently told me âI canât believe I thought I could change the weather through mental telepathy!â A common reaction is âI canât believe I did that!â

In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as âI know what heâs done to me, but I still love himâ, âI donât know why, but I want him backâ, or âI know it sounds crazy, but I miss herâ. Recently Iâve heard âThis doesnât make sense. Heâs got a new girlfriend and heâs abusing her tooâ¦but Iâm jealous!â Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesnât make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is â Yes!

On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees âThe party has just begun!â The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.

After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had âbondedâ emotionally with their captors.

While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as âStockholm Syndromeâ due to the publicity, the emotional âbondingâ with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:

Abused Children
Battered/Abused Women
Prisoners of War
Cult Members
Incest Victims
Criminal Hostage Situations
Concentration Camp Prisoners
Controlling/Intimidating Relationships
In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation. The âStockholm Syndromeâ reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual. In fact, it is often encouraged in crime situations as it improves the chances for survival of the hostages. On the down side, it also assures that the hostages experiencing âStockholm Syndromeâ will not be very cooperative during rescue or criminal prosecution. Local law enforcement personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges, bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attack police officers when they arrive to rescue them from a violent assault.

Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.

Itâs important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, itâs easier to understand why victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.

Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors, and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. While a clear-cut list has not been established due to varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of these features will be present:

Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support them or win their release
Support of the abuserâs reasons and behaviors
Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment
Stockholm Syndrome doesnât occur in every hostage or abusive situation. In another bank robbery involving hostages, after terrorizing patrons and employees for many hours, a police sharpshooter shot and wounded the terrorizing bank robber. After he hit the floor, two women picked him up and physically held him up to the window for another shot. As you can see, the length of time one is exposed to abuse/control and other factors are certainly involved.

It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse, and abusive relationships:

The presence of a perceived threat to oneâs physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out the threat.
The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim
Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
The perceived inability to escape the situation
By considering each situation we can understand how Stockholm Syndrome develops in romantic relationships as well as criminal/hostage situations. Looking at each situation:

Perceived Threat to Oneâs Physical/Psychological Survival
The perception of threat can be formed by direct, indirect, or witnessed methods. Criminal or antisocial partners can directly threaten your life or the life of friends and family. Their history of violence leads us to believe that the captor/controller will carry out the threat in a direct manner if we fail to comply with their demands. The abuser assures us that only our cooperation keeps our loved ones safe.

Indirectly, the abuser/controller offers subtle threats that you will never leave them or have another partner, reminding you that people in the past have paid dearly for not following their wishes. Hints are often offered such as âI know people who can make others disappearâ. Indirect threats also come from the stories told by the abuser or controller â how they obtained revenge on those who have crossed them in the past. These stories of revenge are told to remind the victim that revenge is possible if they leave.

Witnessing violence or aggression is also a perceived threat. Witnessing a violent temper directed at a television set, others on the highway, or a third party clearly sends us the message that we could be the next target for violence. Witnessing the thoughts and attitudes of the abuser/controller is threatening and intimidating, knowing that we will be the target of those thoughts in the future.

The âSmall Kindnessâ Perception
In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope â a small sign that the situation may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abuserâs benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the captor. In criminal/war hostage situations, letting the victim live is often enough. Small behaviors, such as allowing a bathroom visit or providing food/water, are enough to strengthen the Stockholm Syndrome in criminal hostage events.

In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not âall badâ and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally become intimidating or abusive in certain social situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After seeing the wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesnât happen, that âsmall kindnessâ is interpreted as a positive sign.

Similar to the small kindness perception is the perception of a âsoft sideâ. During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share information about their past â how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a âvictimâ. Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with âI know he fractured my jaw and ribsâ¦but heâs troubled. He had a rough childhood!â Losers and abusers may admit they need psychiatric help or acknowledge they are mentally disturbed; however, itâs almost always after they have already abused or intimidated the victim. The admission is a way of denying responsibility for the abuse. In truth, personality disorders and criminals have learned over the years that personal responsibility for their violent/abusive behaviors can be minimized and even denied by blaming their bad upbringing, abuse as a child, and now even video games. One murderer blamed his crime on eating too much junk food â now known as the âTwinkie Defenseâ. While it may be true that the abuser/controller had a difficult upbringing, showing sympathy for his/her history produces no change in their behavior and in fact, prolongs the length of time you will be abused. While âsad storiesâ are always included in their apologies â after the abusive/controlling event â their behavior never changes! Keep in mind: once you become hardened to the âsad storiesâ, they will simply try another approach. I know of no victim of abuse or crime who has heard their abuser say "Iâm beating (robbing, mugging, etc.) you because my Mom hated me!"

Isolation from Perspectives Other than those of the Captor
In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always âwalking on eggshellsâ â fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst. For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abuserâs perspective. They begin to fix things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their own life that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuserâs potential reaction. We become preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller.

Taking the abuserâs perspective as a survival technique can become so intense that the victim actually develops anger toward those trying to help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful toward anyone who would provide the victim support, typically using multiple methods and manipulations to isolate the victim from others. Any contact the victim has with supportive people in the community is met with accusations, threats, and/or violent outbursts. Victims then turn on their family â fearing family contact will cause additional violence and abuse in the home. At this point, victims curse their parents and friends, tell them not to call and to stop interfering, and break off communication with others. Agreeing with the abuser/controller, supportive others are now viewed as âcausing troubleâ and must be avoided. Many victims threaten their family and friends with restraining orders if they continue to âinterfereâ or try to help the victim in their situation. On the surface it would appear that they have sided with the abuser/controller. In truth, they are trying to minimize contact with situations that might make them a target of additional verbal abuse or intimidation. If a casual phone call from Mom prompts a two-hour temper outburst with threats and accusations â the victim quickly realizes itâs safer if Mom stops calling. If simply telling Mom to stop calling doesnât work, for his or her own safety the victim may accuse Mom of attempting to ruin the relationship and demand that she stop calling.

In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim may have difficulty leaving the abuser and may actually feel the abusive situation is their fault. In law enforcement situations, the victim may actually feel the arrest of their partner for physical abuse or battering is their fault. Some women will allow their children to be removed by child protective agencies rather than give up the relationship with their abuser. As they take the perspective of the abuser, the children are at fault â they complained about the situation, they brought the attention of authorities to the home, and they put the adult relationship at risk. Sadly, the children have now become a danger to the victimâs safety. For those with Stockholm Syndrome, allowing the children to be removed from the home decreases their victim stress while providing an emotionally and physically safer environment for the children.

Perceived Inability to Escape
As a hostage in a bank robbery, threatened by criminals with guns, itâs easy to understand the perceived inability to escape. In romantic relationships, the belief that one canât escape is also very common. Many abusive/controlling relationships feel like till-death-do-us-part relationships â locked together by mutual financial issues/assets, mutual intimate knowledge, or legal situations. Here are some common situations:

Controlling partners have increased the financial obligations/debt in the relationship to the point that neither partner can financially survive on their own. Controllers who sense their partner may be leaving will often purchase a new automobile, later claiming they canât pay alimony or child support due to their large car payments.

The legal ending of a relationship, especially a marital relationship, often creates significant problems. A Controller who has an income that is âunder the tableâ or maintained through legally questionable situations runs the risk of those sources of income being investigated or made public by the divorce/separation. The Controller then becomes more agitated about the possible public exposure of their business arrangements than the loss of the relationship.

The Controller often uses extreme threats including threatening to take the children out of state, threatening to quit their job/business rather than pay alimony/support, threatening public exposure of the victimâs personal issues, or assuring the victim they will never have a peaceful life due to nonstop harassment. In severe cases, the Controller may threaten an action that will undercut the victimâs support such as âIâll see that you lose your jobâ or âIâll have your automobile burnedâ.

Controllers often keep the victim locked into the relationship with severe guilt â threatening suicide if the victim leaves. The victim hears âIâll kill myself in front of the childrenâ, âIâll set myself on fire in the front yardâ, or âOur children wonât have a father/mother if you leave me!â

In relationships with an abuser or controller, the victim has also experienced a loss of self-esteem, self-confidence, and psychological energy. The victim may feel âburned outâ and too depressed to leave. Additionally, abusers and controllers often create a type of dependency by controlling the finances, placing automobiles/homes in their name, and eliminating any assets or resources the victim may use to leave. In clinical practice Iâve heard âIâd leave but I canât even get money out of the savings account! I donât know the PIN number.â

In teens and young adults, victims may be attracted to a controlling individual when they feel inexperienced, insecure, and overwhelmed by a change in their life situation. When parents are going through a divorce, a teen may attach to a controlling individual, feeling the controller may stabilize their life. Freshmen in college may be attracted to controlling individuals who promise to help them survive living away from home on a college campus.

In unhealthy relationships and definitely in Stockholm Syndrome there is a daily preoccupation with âtroubleâ. Trouble is any individual, group, situation, comment, casual glance, or cold meal that may produce a temper tantrum or verbal abuse from the controller or abuser. To survive, âtroubleâ is to be avoided at all costs. The victim must control situations that produce trouble. That may include avoiding family, friends, co-workers, and anyone who may create âtroubleâ in the abusive relationship. The victim does not hate family and friends; they are only avoiding âtroubleâ! The victim also cleans the house, calms the children, scans the mail, avoids certain topics, and anticipates every issue of the controller or abuse in an effort to avoid âtroubleâ. In this situation, children who are noisy become âtroubleâ. Loved ones and friends are sources of âtroubleâ for the victim who is attempting to avoid verbal or physical aggression.

Stockholm Syndrome in relationships is not uncommon. Law enforcement professionals are painfully aware of the situation â making a domestic dispute one of the high-risk calls during work hours. Called by neighbors during a spousal abuse incident, the abuser is passive upon arrival of the police, only to find the abused spouse upset and threatening the officers if their abusive partner is arrested for domestic violence. In truth, the victim knows the abuser/controller will retaliate against him/her if 1) they encourage an arrest, 2) they offer statements about the abuse/fight that are deemed disloyal by the abuser, 3) they donât bail them out of jail as quickly as possible, and 4) they donât personally apologize for the situation â as though it was their fault.

Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. Itâs also the reason they continue to see âthe good sideâ of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has mentally and sometimes physically abused them.

LOVE AND STOCKHOLM SYNDROM, MYSTERY OF LOVING AN ABUSER PT2

PART 2 By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD

Is There Something Else Involved?
In a short response â Yes! Throughout history, people have found themselves supporting and participating in life situations that range from abusive to bizarre. In talking to these active and willing participants in bad and bizarre situations, it is clear they have developed feelings and attitudes that support their participation. One way these feelings and thoughts are developed is known as âcognitive dissonanceâ. As you can tell, psychologists have large words and phrases for just about everything.

âCognitive Dissonanceâ explains how and why people change their ideas and opinions to support situations that do not appear to be healthy, positive, or normal. In the theory, an individual seeks to reduce information or opinions that make him or her uncomfortable. When we have two sets of cognitions (knowledge, opinion, feelings, input from others, etc.) that are the opposite, the situation becomes emotionally uncomfortable. Even though we might find ourselves in a foolish or difficult situation â few want to admit that fact. Instead, we attempt to reduce the dissonance â the fact that our cognitions donât match, agree, or make sense when combined. âCognitive Dissonanceâ can be reduced by adding new cognitions â adding new thoughts and attitudes. Some examples:

Heavy smokers know smoking causes lung cancer and multiple health risks. To continue smoking, the smoker changes his cognitions (thoughts/feelings) such as 1) âIâm smoking less than ten years agoâ, 2) âIâm smoking low-tar cigarettesâ, 3) âThose statistics are made up by the cancer industry conspiracyâ, or 4) âSomethingâs got to get you anyway!â These new cognitions/attitudes allow them to keep smoking and actually begin blaming restaurants for being unfair.

You purchase a $40,000.00 Sport Utility Vehicle that gets 8 miles a gallon. You justify the expense and related issues with 1) âItâs great on tripsâ (you take one trip per year), 2) âI can use it to haul stuffâ (one coffee table in 12 months), and 3) âYou can carry a lot of people in itâ (95% of your trips are driver-only).

Your husband/boyfriend becomes abusive and assaultive. You canât leave due to the finances, children, or other factors. Through cognitive dissonance, you begin telling yourself âHe only hits me open-handedâ and âHeâs had a lot of stress at work.â

Leon Festinger first coined the term âCognitive Dissonanceâ. He had observed a cult (1956) in which members gave up their homes, incomes, and jobs to work for the cult. This cult believed in messages from outer space that predicted the day the world would end by a flood. As cult members and firm believers, they believed they would be saved by flying saucers at the appointed time. As they gathered and waited to be taken by flying saucers at the specified time, the end-of-the-world came and went. No flood and no flying saucer! Rather than believing they were foolish after all that personal and emotional investment â they decided their beliefs had actually saved the world from the flood and they became firmer in their beliefs after the failure of the prophecy. The moral: the more you invest (income, job, home, time, effort, etc.) the stronger your need to justify your position. If we invest $5.00 in a raffle ticket, we justify losing with âIâll get them next timeâ. If you invest everything you have, it requires an almost unreasoning belief and unusual attitude to support and justify that investment.

Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable, and even humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate school all produce loyal and committed individuals. Almost any ordeal creates a bonding experience. Every couple, no matter how mismatched, falls in love in the movies after going through a terrorist takeover, being stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in an alien abduction. Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding â even if the bonding is unhealthy. No one bonds or falls in love by being a member of the Automobile Club or a music CD club. Struggling to survive on a deserted island â you bet!

Abusive relationships produce a great amount on unhealthy investment in both parties. In many cases we tend to remain and support the abusive relationship due to our investment in the relationship. Try telling a new Marine that since he or she has survived boot camp, they should now enroll in the National Guard! Several types of investments keep us in the bad relationship:

Emotional Investment
Weâve invested so many emotions, cried so much, and worried so much that we feel we must see the relationship through to the finish.
Social Investment
Weâve got our pride! To avoid social embarrassment and uncomfortable social situations, we remain in the relationship.
Family Investments
If children are present in the relationship, decisions regarding the relationship are clouded by the status and needs of the children.
Financial Investment
In many cases, the controlling and abusive partner has created a complex financial situation. Many victims remain in a bad relationship, waiting for a better financial situation to develop that would make their departure and detachment easier.
Lifestyle Investment
Many controlling/abusive partners use money or a lifestyle as an investment. Victims in this situation may not want to lose their current lifestyle.
Intimacy Investment
We often invest emotional and sexual intimacy. Some victims have experienced a destruction of their emotional and/or sexual self-esteem in the unhealthy relationship. The abusing partner may threaten to spread rumors or tell intimate details or secrets. A type of blackmail using intimacy is often found in these situations.
In many cases, itâs not simply our feelings for an individual that keep us in an unhealthy relationship â itâs often the amount of investment. Relationships are complex and we often only see the tip of the iceberg in public. For this reason, the most common phrase offered by the victim in defense of their unhealthy relationship is âYou just donât understand!â

Combining Two Unhealthy Conditions
The combination of âStockholm Syndromeâ and âcognitive dissonanceâ produces a victim who firmly believes the relationship is not only acceptable, but also desperately needed for their survival. The victim feels they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. In long-term relationships, the victims have invested everything and placed âall their eggs in one basketâ. The relationship now decides their level of self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional health.

For reasons described above, the victim feels family and friends are a threat to the relationship and eventually to their personal health and existence. The more family/friends protest the controlling and abusive nature of the relationship, the more the victim develops cognitive dissonance and becomes defensive. At this point, family and friends become victims of the abusive and controlling individual.

Importantly, both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance develop on an involuntary basis. The victim does not purposely invent this attitude. Both develop as an attempt to exist and survive in a threatening and controlling environment and relationship. Despite what we might think, our loved one is not in the unhealthy relationship to irritate us, embarrass us, or drive us to drink. What might have begun as a normal relationship has turned into a controlling and abusive situation. They are trying to survive. Their personality is developing the feelings and thoughts needed to survive the situation and lower their emotional and physical risks. All of us have developed attitudes and feelings that help us accept and survive situations. We have these attitudes/feelings about our jobs, our community, and other aspects of our life. As we have found throughout history, the more dysfunctional the situation, the more dysfunctional our adaptation and thoughts to survive. The victim is engaged in an attempt to survive and make a relationship work. Once they decide it doesnât work and canât be fixed, they will need our support as we patiently await their decision to return to a healthy and positive lifestyle.

Family and Friends of the Victim
When a family is confronted with a loved one involved with a Loser or controlling/abusive individual, the situation becomes emotionally painful and socially difficult for the family. While each situation is different, some general guidelines to consider are:

Your loved one, the "victim" of the Loser/Abuser, has probably been given a choice â the relationship or the family. This choice is made more difficult by the control and intimidation often present in abusive/controlling relationships. Knowing that choosing the family will result in severe personal and social consequences, the family always comes in second. Keep in mind that the victim knows in their heart the family will always love them and accept their return â whenever the return happens.

Remember, the more you pressure the "victim" of the Loser/Abuser, the more you prove their point. Your loved one is being told the family is trying to ruin their wonderful relationship. Pressure in the form of contacts, comments, and communications will be used as evidence against you. An invitation to a Tupperware party is met with âYou see! They just want to get you by yourself so they can tell you bad things about me!â Increasing your contacts is viewed as âputting pressureâ on their relationship â not being lovingly concerned.

Your contacts with your loved one, no matter how routine and loving, may be met with anger and resentment. This is because each contact may prompt the Loser/Abuser to attack them verbally or emotionally. Imagine getting a four-hour lecture every time your Aunt Gladys calls. In a short time, you become angry each time she calls, knowing what the contact will produce in your home. The longer Aunt Gladys talks â the longer your lecture becomes! Thus, when Aunt Gladys calls, you want to get her off the phone as quickly as possible.

The 1980âs song, âHold on Looselyâ, may be the key to a good family and friend approach. Holding on too tightly produces more pressure. When the victim is out of the home, itâs often best to establish predictable, scheduled contacts. Calling every Wednesday evening, just for a status report or to go over current events, is less threatening than random calls during the week. Random calls are always viewed as âchecking up on usâ calls. While you may encounter an answering machine, leave a polite and loving message. Importantly, donât discuss the relationship (the controller may be listening!) unless the victim brings it up. The goal of these scheduled calls is to maintain contact, remind your loved one that you are always there to help, and to quietly remind the controller that family and loved ones are nearby and havenât disappeared.

Try to maintain traditional and special contacts with your loved one â holidays, special occasions, etc. Keep your contacts short and brief, with no comments that can be used as evidence. Contacts made at âtraditionalâ times â holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. â are not as threatening to a controller/abuser. Contacts that provide information, but not questions, are also not as threatening. An example might be a simple card reading âJust a note to let you know that your brother landed a new job this week. You might see him on a Wal-Mart commercial any day now. Love, Mom and Dadâ. This approach allows the victim to recognize that the family is there â waiting in the wings if needed. It also lessens the lectures/tantrums provided by the Loser as the contacts are on a traditional and expected basis. Itâs also hard to be angry about brotherâs new job without looking ridiculous. Also, donât invent holidays or send a reminder that itâs Sigmund Freudâs birthday. Thatâs suspiciousâ¦even in my family.

Remember that there are many channels of communication. Itâs important that we keep a channel open if at all possible. Communication channels might include phone calls, letters, cards, and e-mail. Scheduled monthly shopping trips or outings are helpful if possible. The goal is to maintain contact while your loved one is involved in the controlling/abusive relationship. Remember, the goal is contact, not pressure.

Donât feel the victimâs behavior is against the family or friends. It may be a form of survival or a way of lowering stress. Victims may be very resistive, angry, and even hostile due to the complexity of their relationship with the controller/abuser. They may even curse, threaten, and accuse loved ones and friends. This hostile defensiveness is actually self-protection in the relationship â an attempt to avoid âtroubleâ.

The victim needs to know and feel they are not rejected because of their behavior. Keep in mind, they are painfully aware of their situation. They know they are being treated badly and/or controlled by their partner. Frequent reminders of this will only make them want less contact. We naturally avoid people who remind us of things or situations that are emotionally painful.

Victims may slightly open the door and provide information about their relationship or hint they may be considering leaving. When the door opens, donât jump through with the Marines behind you! Listen and simply offer support such as "You know your family is behind any decision you need to make and at any time you make it." They may be exploring what support is available but may not be ready to call in the troops just yet. Many victims use an âexit planâ that may take months or even years to complete. They may be gathering information at this point, not yet ready for an exit.

We can get messages to people in two ways â the pipeline and the grapevine. The pipeline is face-to-face, telling the person directly. This seldom happens in Loser situations as controllers and abusers monitor and control contacts with others. However, the grapevine is still open. When we use the grapevine, we send a message to our loved one through another person. Victims of controlling and abusive individuals are often allowed to maintain a relationship with a few people, perhaps a sibling or best friend. We can send our loved one a message through that contact person, a message that voices our understanding and support. We donât send insults ("Bill is such a jerk!) or put-downs ("If he doesnât get out of this relationship heâll end up crazy!) â we send messages of love and support. We send "I hope she/he (victim) knows the family is concerned and that we love and support them." Comments sent on the grapevine are phrased with the understanding that our loved one will hear them in that manner. Donât talk with a grapevine contact to express anger and threaten to hire a hit man, and then try to send a message of loving support. Be careful what and how the message is provided. The grapevine contact can often get messages to the victim when we canât. Itâs another way of letting them know weâre supporting them, just waiting to help if and when needed.

Each situation is different. The family may need to seek counseling support in the community. A family consultation with a mental health professional or attorney may be helpful if the situation becomes legally complex or there is a significant danger of harm.

As relatives or friends of a victim involved with a controller or abuser, our normal reaction is to consider dramatic action. We become angry, resentful, and aggressive at times. Our mind fills with a variety of plans that often range from rescue and kidnapping to ambushing the controller/abuser with a ball bat. A rule of thumb is that any aggression toward the controller/abuser will result in additional difficulties for your loved one. Try to remain calm and await an opportunity to show your love and support when your loved one needs it.

In some cases, as in teenagers and young adults, the family may still provide some financial, insurance, or other support. When we receive angry responses to our phone calls, our anger and resentment tells us to cut off their support. Iâve heard âIf sheâs going to date that jerk, itâs not going to be in a car Iâm paying for!â and âIf heâs choosing that woman over his family, he can drop out of college and flip hamburgers!â Withdrawing financial support only makes your loved one more dependent upon the controller/abuser. Remember, if weâre aggressive by threatening, withdrawing support, or pressuring â we become the threatening force, not the controller/abuser. It actually moves the victim into the support of the controller. Sadly, the more of an âordealâ they experience, the more bonding takes place, as noted with both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance.

As you might imagine, the combination of Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance may also be active when our loved one is involved in cults, unusual religions, and other groups. In some situations, the abuser and controller is actually a group or organization. Victims are punished if they are viewed as disloyal to the group. While this article deals with individual relationships, the family guidelines may also be helpful in controlling-group situations.

Final Thoughts
You may be the victim of a controlling and abusive partner, seeking an understanding of your feelings and attitudes. You may have a son, daughter, or friend currently involved with a controlling and abusive partner, looking for ways to understand and help.

If a loved one is involved with a Loser, a controlling and abusing partner, the long-term outcome is difficult to determine due to the many factors involved. If their relationship is in the âdatingâ phase, they may end the relationship on their own. If the relationship has continued for over a year, they may require support and an exit plan before ending the relationship. Marriage and children further complicate their ability to leave the situation. When the victim decides to end the unhappy relationship, itâs important that they view loved ones as supportive, loving, and understanding â not as a source of pressure, guilt, or aggression.

This article is an attempt to understand the complex feelings and attitudes that are as puzzling to the victim as they are to family and friends. Separately, Iâve outlined recommendations for detaching from a Loser or controlling/abusive individual, but clearly, there are more victims in this situation. It is hoped this article is helpful to family and friends who worry, cry, and have difficulty understanding the situation of their loved one. It has been said that knowledge is power. Hopefully this knowledge will prove helpful and powerful to victims and their loved ones.

Please consider this article as a general guideline. Some recommendations may be appropriate and helpful while some may not apply to a specific situation. In many cases, we may need additional professional help of a mental health or legal nature.

rayvyn. Thank you for posting these articles. I have started to read more on this subject and while it is painful for me to see myself in the description of these victims, it does help me answer my questions of "why did I stay" or "why did I put up with the abuse for so long". Thank you again

Rayvyn you always have such great articles. I haven't had a chance to check these out but I will try to make time this weekend. Thank you, I great appreciate it.

Rayvyn you always have such great articles. I haven't had a chance to check these out but I will try to make time this weekend. Thank you, I great appreciate it.

Okay so I had a wedding in another state but I couldn't wait to get to where I was spending the night just to check out these articles. I think both articles have tons of great information. I can see both the Stockholm Syndrome and the cognitive dissonance in play with me to an extent. Example with the stockholm it was never physical abuse but I had seen his temper with him throwing a few things. He is usually calm and cool. When he gets angry it's goes to a few different levels. Luke warm for just usual stuff but when he gets mad, he would clench his fists and over the 7 years I lived there he threw things 2 times. Which isn't a lot but enough to scare me which meant I usually tried to do what I could to keep things from boiling over. I have about 4 friends that I talk to about my problems and lots of family who love me who tell me their words of wisdom so I can see where the cognitive dissonance comes in there as well. I know everyone wants the best for me but in my mind somehow there's the this is it deal where I just want it to work out so badly. I don't want to start over, but I have to consider more than just myself in this situation. I have 2 children from a previous marriage so I need to figure out if I want them in this situation. Knowing that my daughter will learn this is "love" and my son understanding on how to treat their "love"

The goal of an abuser/narc is control. They want you to behave only in the ways in which they want you to behave. They achieve this control with abuse whether it is covert or overt.

The cycle of abuse is a huge part of your answer to "How did this happen to me?" For years, you have very likely been feeling that you have been going around in circles... not getting anywhere. Your feelings are correct.

You have likely kept on trying and trying your best to resolve issues and doing everything in your power to try to stop your partner's abusive behavior... and nothing has worked even trying to avoid the "boiling over" point.

Nothing has worked because your partner doesn't want to stop controlling you
and abuse is his method of doing it.

This is what happens. Your "failure" to stop the abuse and "failure" to resolve issues, has very likely set up feelings of helplessness within you because you can't seem to make anything better no matter how hard you try. As you keep trying, and failing, these feelings of helplessness grow. Your once healthy ego and sense of pride begin to slip away and your sense of self-worth is shattered. You lose confidence in yourself and your abilities.

The combination of abuse and your failed efforts to stop it: erode your self-confidence, devastate your self-esteem and destroy your sense of self-worth. You become fearful, insecure and dependent. Everything in your life eventually revolves around your abuser/narc, their moods and their needs. You become a non-person, and as such, you are reduced to existing as your abuser's "possession" or "provider."

You can't change your partner no matter how hard you try. You can't love him enough to make him stop abusing you. Only he can change himself or make the decision to stop being abusive.

The Cycle of Abuse keeps you fearful and off balance both emotionally and psychologically. Look at the diagram of the cycle shown below... you will most certainly recognize this vicious and devastating wheel spinning within your abusive relationship.

Phase 1 - Tension building

Tension increases, breakdown of communication, victim becomes fearful and feels the need to placate the abuser.

Phase 2 - Incident

verbal, emotional, physical abuse, anger. blaming, arguing, threats, intimidation (this also includes the silent treatment)

Phase 3 - Reconciliation

Abuser apologizes, makes excuses, blames the victim, denies the abuse occurred or says it wasn't as bad as the victim claims (minimizing)

Phase 4 - Calm

the incident is "forgotten", no abuse is taking place, the "honeymoon phase".


The saddest thing of all: This insidious, repetition will break you so smoothly, there's an excellent chance you won't realize you've lost yourself. For some people it may take years... but it will break you.

Each time you experience the Cycle of Abuse you lose a little piece of yourself. You never quite make it back up to your top again. You may think and believe you have... but you haven't. Every cycle of abuse takes you lower and lower and lower until one day, there is nothing left of you. You just don't recover. Look closely at yourself and your life... feel your feelings... listen to your own heart... reach into your spirit.

Ask yourself...

Are you really the same person you were before?

The heavy weight of abuse crushes you a little bit more each time you travel around the cycle. Down, down, down you go... until you are physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually annihilated.


Here is a link to the Wheel of Violence that abusers/narc use to control their victims...it is not limited to just the physical.

I know how overwhelming the prospect of starting over can be but I assure you that the sunrise is absolutely worth it. Much love to you.

http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

I can definitely see the phase 1 and phase 2 aspect. Then in my case usually it's either argued or ignored or just my problem and not his. There is no reconciliation on his part. Out of the 8 year relationship I can count how many times on one hand he ever said he was sorry. Any argument that we ended up in was always my doing in some way. If I came to him because of an issue it was the "what is it now" response. Not whats going on and what can we do to fix it. I even got the rolling of the eyes a lot too. His way of covering for himself the last year or so was the "I'm sorry you interpreted what I said that way" Not actually apologizing but turning it back around on me without acknowledging. I was looking back on situations and thinking about how he never gave his opinions. Like when I brought him stuff it was usually up to me to fix. He would ask me what I was going to do about it. Not that he had any issues or saw any problems.

An example would be mold and asbestos in the basement. My daughter lived in a room in the basement for a few years and she seemed to always have some kind of cold. Cough, runny or stuffy nose. It made me wonder so we moved her to another area of the basement after I knocked down the walls in her room. I thought I saw mold but him and one of his friends said it wasn't so it was never dealt with. Over this last summer we pulled the carpet out of the other part of the basement and found what we thought to be asbestos. At this time his sister lived with him and she paid to have samples tested and found out that yes it was in fact asbestos and then found mold in the room on the new walls that was put up when she moved in. Right in the area I questioned him about. So not only did my daughter deal with mold, she had to fight thru the asbestos messing up her health as well. Now to this day he refuses to get a second opinion because she did a mail in sample and from his research all he needs to do is cover it back up with some new carpet. From the research I did it needs to be treated, removed or covered up but am trying to present a 3rd option because my research showed more of a significant threat than what his did. I told him to get an inspector to come and do a full work up and talk to his local low income help center because they would probably be able to find someone really cheap since he's got 3 kids of his own. Thats too much work for him. He's told me it was and of course "his research shows that it's not that harmful" I say BS. Since I moved away my daughter hasn't been as sick as she was there. His sister moved out due to the mold and asbestos and she too was sick almost the whole year she lived in basement. Him and the kids sleep and live upstairs but I know it has to affect them to some level as well. But it's not a problem according to him and his research. This is one of many major concerns to me but not a big deal to him. First off he can't afford to fix it so if I want it done then he's already informed me it would be up to me to make sure it did. Second he can't even make the call to see if he can get help to get it inspected. So here I am worried about the health of his kids and what can be done to "fix" things. Plus He can't even acknowledge that there is a problem. If I don't push for this to be fixed, he will just sit there living in it literally.

So I can see where the mental games come to play. I read one of the postings where it mentioned how they argue and reflect what they are actually doing. Like telling me I was acting immature on the phone one time because I asked him how much he loved me and his reply was "enough." I didn't get mad on the phone I just asked what kind of reply was that. It's all about who holds what with him.

I checked out the website you posted as well and I found the Using emotion abuse and Minimizing denying and blaming to fit into what I've been thru. I am a strong person. He did at one time make comments about coworkers I had that would pick me up and drop me off because he was male he made a joke about it and had my son ask me who my Boyfriend was one day after getting dropped off. I told him I didn't appreciate the "joke" and if he had a concern to talk to me about it and not the kids. That it was foolish of him to think I would do him like that. He can't control my money but did make snide remarks about how I spend my money. If for some reason bills couldn't get paid he'd be all over me about where my spending was going but he had to have his beer or hard liquor.

Thanks again for the information rayvyn!