Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
My mind is going thru a major battle. One that I can't seem to find a victor to.Sorry if this is long and drawn out. First off I have to say that I know I can't confirm diagnosis of my ex but the NPD seems to be written all over him to an extent. I love my him so much and want things to work out so much that it's more of a battle of my heart versus my mind. With the holidays fast approaching I need to figure it out for good and try to get some kind of peace out of it, for he's asking me to come for Thanksgiving. To me as I read some of the stories on here I wonder why I really left. Tho I may have dealt with some gaslighting and some belittling I never had to deal with the cheating, lies, and drugs. More along the lines of manipulation or crazy talk. Some level of emotional and mental abuse. I think that's why it's difficult to just make a decision, the well things could be worse type of deal or it's obviously not THAT bad.
The difference of values has been black and white---if you had an ex who was mentally unstable and burnt your house down would you allow your kids to continue weekend visits and every other holiday?? Or allow the kids to live in rooms that look like tornadoes hit every day, literally half a foot of clothes on the floor and who knows what else? I believed the kids needed more responsibilities because they didn't have any, they aged from right now 8-13. Besides dealing with the chores and his ex of course we had some issues with the kids. My 2 children from a previous marriage and his 3 from a previous relationship. One of his daughters needs and has been receiving counseling the last year due to misc things that has happened (she stole money, jewelry from me, has anger issues, etc) I lived there for 7 years cleaning up after 5 kids (6 including him) who couldn't seem to clean up after themselves. Working night shifts at a factory in a small town, anywhere from 8-12 hour ones and usually more overtime than not. My shift was usually from 3 or 3:30 pm to 11:45 or 4 am. Go home get up and get kids ready for school round 6:30 or so and go back to bed after they left for afew more hours get up and clean the same stuff it seems I did the day before (dishes from the previous night, the living room in shambles, etc) then get ready for work again. Now don't get me wrong. I know there will be cleaning, clothes to run, cleaning floors etc but having to clean something that should have been done before they went to bed the night before can get old especially after doing it so long. He worked the morning shift was home round 3ish which made for a tough relationship on it's own. A quick conversation 5 days a week and rarely any other. He's a big excercise buff. Spent a lot of money on equipment, supplements, etc. When he would come home he would be working out, wrestling with his friends in the basement or coaching soccer when it's in season. He's Mr. Busybody. Seems like the perfect guy up front and to lots of people.
During these 7 years we lived in 4 different rental houses and 1 house (last one) we bought. I was so excited about this house. Beautiful, almost 3000sq ft, wood floors in living room and hallway, red brick outside, built in 1960's so it needs some updates and TLC but was more than happy to get into it and so was he. But it always came down to money and what money was going where, always was a stress for me. It seemed as tho we could never get ahead which is fine but we could never afford nicer things, if I wanted to buy a patio set, nope. Couldn't afford it or I was afraid the kids would tear it up (no respect for other people's stuff) Without any verbal agreement I was in charge of getting all the kids birthday gift through out the year as well as any Christmas gifts for them or anyone in the family. I paid. When the house needed work done to it, I paid and did the work. I once painted the whole basement by myself on weekend day while he was too busy playing a computer game. He had been drinking of course and towards the end when I was getting done for the day and had started to clean up he has the nerve to ask where I've been? To him I should have been waiting on him with his game, was offended I wasn't spending time with him, he knew where I was it was planned all week. When taxes came up at the beginning of the year, me. At one time I even figured out that I was paying more for bills and such each month by a few hundred dollars. Money will always be a problem for any relationship but if both parties are working and want more, like the main bathroom that's been broke for 3 years needs fixed, instead of spending your money on alcohol or a game I think there would be better ways to spend that money. We had an estimate done at one time and because I had already spent $1000 on most of the stuff for inside the bathroom (new toilet, flooring, etc) it would have cost another $1200 or so. His words to me was I better pay up. Not in a threatening tone mind you, if it was going to get done, I had to be the one to take care of it.
I wasn't the silent type. I did speak my concerns which usually got me the rolling of the eyes, or the what now talk. He would literally call me hitler because he said I was too strict on the kids (when I would have them do things or actually tell them no they couldn't) I know now that I hold my 2 children to a higher standard than he does. If they have bad grades (d or f) they are grounded til further notice which included sports. His kids, running a muck. A small talk and on their way they go. Sports well that was a must even if they had bad grades, they couldn't miss it because of that. Oh and when one of his children last year had a few D's in class it was my fault because I wasn't there for them anymore (I moved away July 2010) which he now totally denies he even said. His actual reply was why would I claim it's your fault when you didn't even live here? Which is what I said when he blamed me! Now forgive me if I am wrong but if you need to have a conversation about things you should be open to what they have to say, acknowledge it as some level and help figure out a plan to fix it at least as far as relationships go, right? It usually turned into me having a conversation with someone who didn't even look at me. His mind would always be somewhere else and not giving me full attention. Which I got used to so I think that's one of the many reasons I stuck it out. If I voiced an opinion it was met with deaf ears, no actions and no worries of his own. Something that drives me nuts to this day especially since we've had lots of phone talk is he can't respond. If I talk about something and pause, nothing. No, yes I hear this or no I don't quite understand. So of course I have to say does that make sense or did you hear what I just said? Drives me crazy, even in person he does this. Usually in person he can't look at me, last time we talked he laid on the bed with his arm over his eyes so he didn't have to look at me. If he doesn't reply that he understands I have the habit of thinking he didn't understand so I try to repeat myself in a different manner and in which he gets mad about because he feels as tho I am lecturing him like his dad. He's so nicely compared me to his father and when I remind him of things like going somewhere because he can be forgetful it's "yes mother." I know, most people seem to be like why be there? Honestly I don't know besides I don't want to be any where else. I want things to work and we did go see a counselor this summer and it seemed to help in some aspects but in others I wondered if it just gave him more ammunition to use against me. The counselor noticed I like to be thorough when we talk about things and so he brings up the "even the counselor thinks you lecture" comments.
Sorry again for this being so long. There's tons of stuff that has happened but these are reoccurring it seems. I've been gone over a year now and I did make a post a few weeks back because he's giving me the ultimatum, either I move back or it's over. Which to most seems like a crock. He's said that 3 times now over the last year. He's made arrangement's for the kids to have chores, he started school because we both got laid off from work and he's willing to continue seeing a counselor. What worries me about this is this nagging feeling that things will get worse. I noticed over the last few visits that his kids are resorting to physical threats (even one of them pushed him) and I don't think my kids should be in that situation. But at the same time I want to go back, I still feel the need to fix and mend the situation. He has told me that he wants things to work out but not on my terms anymore. He refuses to answer serious email letters or even talk too much on phone because it stresses him out. Actually I stress him out too, he claimed to have tests done and his blood pressure was so high and that's my fault as well. If I want to talk with him it's best to do it in person. He says he hates to write. Always an excuse of some kind it seems.
The difference of values has been black and white---if you had an ex who was mentally unstable and burnt your house down would you allow your kids to continue weekend visits and every other holiday?? Or allow the kids to live in rooms that look like tornadoes hit every day, literally half a foot of clothes on the floor and who knows what else? I believed the kids needed more responsibilities because they didn't have any, they aged from right now 8-13. Besides dealing with the chores and his ex of course we had some issues with the kids. My 2 children from a previous marriage and his 3 from a previous relationship. One of his daughters needs and has been receiving counseling the last year due to misc things that has happened (she stole money, jewelry from me, has anger issues, etc) I lived there for 7 years cleaning up after 5 kids (6 including him) who couldn't seem to clean up after themselves. Working night shifts at a factory in a small town, anywhere from 8-12 hour ones and usually more overtime than not. My shift was usually from 3 or 3:30 pm to 11:45 or 4 am. Go home get up and get kids ready for school round 6:30 or so and go back to bed after they left for afew more hours get up and clean the same stuff it seems I did the day before (dishes from the previous night, the living room in shambles, etc) then get ready for work again. Now don't get me wrong. I know there will be cleaning, clothes to run, cleaning floors etc but having to clean something that should have been done before they went to bed the night before can get old especially after doing it so long. He worked the morning shift was home round 3ish which made for a tough relationship on it's own. A quick conversation 5 days a week and rarely any other. He's a big excercise buff. Spent a lot of money on equipment, supplements, etc. When he would come home he would be working out, wrestling with his friends in the basement or coaching soccer when it's in season. He's Mr. Busybody. Seems like the perfect guy up front and to lots of people.
During these 7 years we lived in 4 different rental houses and 1 house (last one) we bought. I was so excited about this house. Beautiful, almost 3000sq ft, wood floors in living room and hallway, red brick outside, built in 1960's so it needs some updates and TLC but was more than happy to get into it and so was he. But it always came down to money and what money was going where, always was a stress for me. It seemed as tho we could never get ahead which is fine but we could never afford nicer things, if I wanted to buy a patio set, nope. Couldn't afford it or I was afraid the kids would tear it up (no respect for other people's stuff) Without any verbal agreement I was in charge of getting all the kids birthday gift through out the year as well as any Christmas gifts for them or anyone in the family. I paid. When the house needed work done to it, I paid and did the work. I once painted the whole basement by myself on weekend day while he was too busy playing a computer game. He had been drinking of course and towards the end when I was getting done for the day and had started to clean up he has the nerve to ask where I've been? To him I should have been waiting on him with his game, was offended I wasn't spending time with him, he knew where I was it was planned all week. When taxes came up at the beginning of the year, me. At one time I even figured out that I was paying more for bills and such each month by a few hundred dollars. Money will always be a problem for any relationship but if both parties are working and want more, like the main bathroom that's been broke for 3 years needs fixed, instead of spending your money on alcohol or a game I think there would be better ways to spend that money. We had an estimate done at one time and because I had already spent $1000 on most of the stuff for inside the bathroom (new toilet, flooring, etc) it would have cost another $1200 or so. His words to me was I better pay up. Not in a threatening tone mind you, if it was going to get done, I had to be the one to take care of it.
I wasn't the silent type. I did speak my concerns which usually got me the rolling of the eyes, or the what now talk. He would literally call me hitler because he said I was too strict on the kids (when I would have them do things or actually tell them no they couldn't) I know now that I hold my 2 children to a higher standard than he does. If they have bad grades (d or f) they are grounded til further notice which included sports. His kids, running a muck. A small talk and on their way they go. Sports well that was a must even if they had bad grades, they couldn't miss it because of that. Oh and when one of his children last year had a few D's in class it was my fault because I wasn't there for them anymore (I moved away July 2010) which he now totally denies he even said. His actual reply was why would I claim it's your fault when you didn't even live here? Which is what I said when he blamed me! Now forgive me if I am wrong but if you need to have a conversation about things you should be open to what they have to say, acknowledge it as some level and help figure out a plan to fix it at least as far as relationships go, right? It usually turned into me having a conversation with someone who didn't even look at me. His mind would always be somewhere else and not giving me full attention. Which I got used to so I think that's one of the many reasons I stuck it out. If I voiced an opinion it was met with deaf ears, no actions and no worries of his own. Something that drives me nuts to this day especially since we've had lots of phone talk is he can't respond. If I talk about something and pause, nothing. No, yes I hear this or no I don't quite understand. So of course I have to say does that make sense or did you hear what I just said? Drives me crazy, even in person he does this. Usually in person he can't look at me, last time we talked he laid on the bed with his arm over his eyes so he didn't have to look at me. If he doesn't reply that he understands I have the habit of thinking he didn't understand so I try to repeat myself in a different manner and in which he gets mad about because he feels as tho I am lecturing him like his dad. He's so nicely compared me to his father and when I remind him of things like going somewhere because he can be forgetful it's "yes mother." I know, most people seem to be like why be there? Honestly I don't know besides I don't want to be any where else. I want things to work and we did go see a counselor this summer and it seemed to help in some aspects but in others I wondered if it just gave him more ammunition to use against me. The counselor noticed I like to be thorough when we talk about things and so he brings up the "even the counselor thinks you lecture" comments.
Sorry again for this being so long. There's tons of stuff that has happened but these are reoccurring it seems. I've been gone over a year now and I did make a post a few weeks back because he's giving me the ultimatum, either I move back or it's over. Which to most seems like a crock. He's said that 3 times now over the last year. He's made arrangement's for the kids to have chores, he started school because we both got laid off from work and he's willing to continue seeing a counselor. What worries me about this is this nagging feeling that things will get worse. I noticed over the last few visits that his kids are resorting to physical threats (even one of them pushed him) and I don't think my kids should be in that situation. But at the same time I want to go back, I still feel the need to fix and mend the situation. He has told me that he wants things to work out but not on my terms anymore. He refuses to answer serious email letters or even talk too much on phone because it stresses him out. Actually I stress him out too, he claimed to have tests done and his blood pressure was so high and that's my fault as well. If I want to talk with him it's best to do it in person. He says he hates to write. Always an excuse of some kind it seems.
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