Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I've only posted a little bit about my situation but here's some more information. I moved out of my relationship with my current boyfriend (from one state to another) because of what I know now to be mainly Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or at least most of the symptoms lean that way. He was more of the emotionally unavailable, addict and looking for a parental figure for most of our 7 year relationship. I moved out a little over a year ago, making trips back almost once a month and spending what time I can when my kids have breaks. He has 3 children and I have 2 both from previous relationships. Over the last year he made one trip over to see me over labor day weekend in 2010 for a camping/canoeing deal in which I had to give him money to attend because he NEEDS my help. He wouldn't have been able to afford it otherwise. While I lived there he was usually wrapped up in his gaming addiction on the computer or drinking and ignoring me or the kids. I worked 2nd shift for 5 years while he worked 1st shift and I came home numerous times to him being passed out at the computer desk, in the living room or even a few times I came home and the stove would be on cooking something because he got hungry but passed out with it on. He got verbally abusive saying how lazy I was, how I couldn't do anything right, he always wanted me to be a different type of mom (I don't like to cook, I couldn't connect with his daughter, etc) so instead of accepting me as I was he would continually belittle me and degrade me to think that somehow it was all my fault. The bills sometimes got hard to take care of, it was my fault. Not that he drank away the money or spent it on exercise equipment. I spend most of my tax returns every year on past due taxes and bills trying to keep things caught up and if there was a little bit of money I could use for improvements round the house I did. I was more the caretaker than in a relationship. I cleaned a 3000sq ft house everyday before work and it would be a disaster when I came home at midnight or 4 in the morning. He never had the kids clean up much of anything and it was a repeat of me cleaning day to day. But like I've said I couldn't do anything right, too lazy and that of course made me try that much harder, do that much more to prove him otherwise with no avail. When I tried to talk to him about our issues or problems that came up it was in one ear and out the other. He wasn't interested in trying to help fix things and usually other things were more important than how our kids should be raised.
Since I've moved away we've talked about things that needed changing, he did set up a board for his kids to do chores every day. We went and seen a counselor for a few months this past summer in Missouri who recommended the book Women Who Love Too Much and while reading it I searched the internet and found this wonderful site. We've been slowly working on things and no matter how good my visits back there feels it always seems like a show. He'll help me out more than he used to but apparently I hurt him when I left and he's having a hard time staying close to me. He enrolled in school this past summer of which I am proud of (he's 32) and one of his classes is Psychology so now he thinks he has science to back him up for not being emotionally close to me since I've hurt him so much by leaving. I have looked at the situation and can understand where he stands and even feel bad to an extent but I don't think he has even looked at if from my side or even thought of what he did or didn't do while I was there.
This website article is a perfect match, nails him dead on, both pages:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/24649/narcissistic_personality_disorder.html?cat=5
My dilemma now is that he is giving me an ultimatum. Either I move back or it's over. I know that some improvements have been made and he's made it apparent he can't or chooses not to get close to me at this point in time so I don't see a good reason to move back accept that I miss him which isn't that good of a reason. Yeah we all get to that point where maybe it wasn't that bad or maybe I can handle it differently this time or things really have changed but something is still nagging at me. Just looking for some insights, any help would be appreciated. I absolutely love the information on this board. Thank you all!
Since I've moved away we've talked about things that needed changing, he did set up a board for his kids to do chores every day. We went and seen a counselor for a few months this past summer in Missouri who recommended the book Women Who Love Too Much and while reading it I searched the internet and found this wonderful site. We've been slowly working on things and no matter how good my visits back there feels it always seems like a show. He'll help me out more than he used to but apparently I hurt him when I left and he's having a hard time staying close to me. He enrolled in school this past summer of which I am proud of (he's 32) and one of his classes is Psychology so now he thinks he has science to back him up for not being emotionally close to me since I've hurt him so much by leaving. I have looked at the situation and can understand where he stands and even feel bad to an extent but I don't think he has even looked at if from my side or even thought of what he did or didn't do while I was there.
This website article is a perfect match, nails him dead on, both pages:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/24649/narcissistic_personality_disorder.html?cat=5
My dilemma now is that he is giving me an ultimatum. Either I move back or it's over. I know that some improvements have been made and he's made it apparent he can't or chooses not to get close to me at this point in time so I don't see a good reason to move back accept that I miss him which isn't that good of a reason. Yeah we all get to that point where maybe it wasn't that bad or maybe I can handle it differently this time or things really have changed but something is still nagging at me. Just looking for some insights, any help would be appreciated. I absolutely love the information on this board. Thank you all!
Though never ever forget: Narcissists are excellent at disguising their intentions and most people do not see their inappropriate behavior UNTIL they are attached to the narcissist. Narcissists are outstanding at managing their behavior while securing narcissistic supply. When people say narcissists cannot control themselves, just think back to their amazing performance during courtship.
Each personality disorder has its own set of behaviors and additionally, pathology is related to:
a. The inability to change
b. The inability to grow to any emotional depth
c. The inability to develop deep insight about their behavior and how it effects others
So once you understand the behaviors related to the personality disorder then you apply the Absolutes of Pathology the inability to change, grow, or develop insight and you can take his behavior now and apply it to the future in ANY relationship. His behaviors related to his specific personality disorder are PERMANENT.
How long did your relationship last? A few weeks, months or maybe a year or even more of okness? What happened next? Oh yeah, you found out his lies or noticed his inconsistency, or asked him to work, or caught him cheating, or got tired of the verbal abuse. Once you confronted him then you got the narcissistic rage, then maybe the aloofness, or maybe he even packed up and left.
To further explain to Repetitive Compulsion Disorder: scientists have conducted experiments with lab rats proving this condition. A rat is given a button sequence to extract pellets and quickly works out how many times he needs to nose push to receive a meal. The number of pushes may be altered daily and the rat will work out the number required. If, however, the button is changed to random the rat becomes agitated and frenzied. He will repetitively push and push the button scattering pellets all over the floor, and ignore all other distractions in his cage. Why? Because his sense of stability is threatened.
The same occurs in narcissistic relationships. Love partners become hooked to the narcissist because emotional stability is unobtainable. Women go in harder trying to create a set result. This is why poker machines hook people. Women become severely addicted to narcissists, pushing the button all the way to their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bankruptcy. Morbidly and dangerously they become so empty and powerless that they can barely perceive a life without the narcissist, and spiral into a deep dark pit. In essence the victim feels and becomes the annihilating depression that the narcissist avoids by feeding off her energy. He has taken your light and you have become his darkness.
and just because he is taking a psychology class, does not make him an expert. there is no such thing as an expert in psychology, because in the end, even with a phd in it, it comes down to perception. it is a very high research and experimental profession. ive been looking into taking that route for my own degree.
you just have to make the leap, and in this case, the grass is way greener on the other side once you get passed the barb wire fence. the detatchment process hurts, but stay focused and you will make it through. you are worth way more. something that happened to me recently, is when he made me cry, and i got so upset, that my 2 year old daughter had a nightmare and woke up screaming and fighting to get to me, to make sure i was ok. once she saw i was ok, she laid back down, and said no more cry mommy.
that was enough for me.... my daughter is number one from here on out, she should never have to see mommy be upset like that, not over any man.
The one im leaving now, apparently has mommy syndrome as well. and a lying mouth. but is very outstanding in his career and school with great work ethic and an outgoing personality.
the point im trying to make is, no one would ever know off hand from meeting these guys, that they werent the normal upstanding citizens people thought. there are people that known them for years, and would still swear by them. and if i talk about what they did or do... i sound insane, because no one can picture it. the judge even threw out my domestic violence case against my ex, because he seemed so great.
In the end they are all the same. its our fault they got in trouble, our fault they fail in their endeavors.
they never own up to their own mistakes and have an excuse for everything that when said to a third party sounds perfectly reasonable. they can make sticking your hand in a crocodiles mouth sound like a good idea.
I really like ravyns let the ones you love go spill... its so true, not only does it allow them to grow, but lets say on the off chance we were wrong, and they really were just going through a hard time... we let them go, we get to keep our boundries and not compromise ourselves, and we get to step back and watch, and see who they truly are, and at the same time, they get the chance to prove......
WOW, ok i just re read that. i just caught myself, ugh. stupid brain.... i was gonna delete it but decided to leave it. my brain trying to tell me that me moving out of my situation is giving him the chance to truly prove it to me.... yuck.... ok... no more fantasy thinking, its a bunch of poo. this is about me and my daughter i believe that you think before you act, and suffer the consequences of your actions reguardless. he does not get a chance to prove to me he didnt mean it, he already proved he cant think about me before his actions. ok... whew. but uh.... good post. stay away from him. gotta keep yourself in check. wow, im sorry, im really baffled at myself in writing that, it was really trying to sneak out.