Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Hello,
I love a song by Alexander Ebert called Truth. My favorite lyrics are " the truth is that I haven't shook my shadow and everyday its trying to trick me into doing battle-calling out faker, want to get me rattled."
Because the truth is I haven't shook my WWLTM shadow and everyday its trying to trick me into doing battle. The word faker comes to mind and I am easily rattled. Holding onto recovery is a difficult task especially when there is a part of me that wants to believe that with one more try and I will have all that want. Despite everything that I know, everything that I have read, all the insights I have gained I still struggle daily not to cave. When I ended my relationship, I really thought that this time I would heal and be ready for the next relationship. But for me, what really happened, is that after a year I was faced with myself and did what I always have done and that is to start fantasizing and looking for the next relationship.
I surrendered the fantasy of the ideal mate and how he would rescue me righting all that was wrong with my life. I really did surrender that and when the fantasy sneak back in I stop it dead in its tracks. I don't call the guy I had a little date with and I avoid the married guy at the gym. I was doing good and then I noticed that I was really angry with a female friend of mine who I think also is a WWLTM. I was talking about her to others, I was praying about her and in my mind I was telling her all the things that she needed to do. I was bothered by it for days and creating a lot of drama for myself. Should I let her go, should I have a deep conversation with her--on an on. It didn't look like obsession but it was, it didn't feel like my old pattern but it was. Because I had decided that I could no longer hurt myself or distract myself with men-I took my WWLTM issues of controlling, manipulating, and hiding in others and applied it to my friend. I didn't even notice it- it happened so quickly. I also started some drama with my sister, my nieces, and I have an attitude problem with my son. Yes, I feel guilty, yes, I feel shitty.
Even this post is drama. I cant, its hard, I'm trying--now even my own recovery seems like obsession- a distraction. I cant just hold still be with myself and allow this process to work. I feel like jumping out of my skin. I want to scream, run, and bury my head in the sand. I feel like a junkie going through withdrawals. WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING FOR THAT WHOLE YEAR. How come I am still struggling, why am I still in so much pain? My emotions are all over the place, one day I feel hopeful, the next day I feel hopeless. No one to blame, no one to look at, nothing to use-not food, not alcohol, not men, not sex, not shopping. I don't trust anything or anyone I cant even trust me. I am afraid that nothing I do is genuine and that everything really is just about being distracted. Even writing here is starting to feel painful. Everything feels forced, everything feels fake.
I love a song by Alexander Ebert called Truth. My favorite lyrics are " the truth is that I haven't shook my shadow and everyday its trying to trick me into doing battle-calling out faker, want to get me rattled."
Because the truth is I haven't shook my WWLTM shadow and everyday its trying to trick me into doing battle. The word faker comes to mind and I am easily rattled. Holding onto recovery is a difficult task especially when there is a part of me that wants to believe that with one more try and I will have all that want. Despite everything that I know, everything that I have read, all the insights I have gained I still struggle daily not to cave. When I ended my relationship, I really thought that this time I would heal and be ready for the next relationship. But for me, what really happened, is that after a year I was faced with myself and did what I always have done and that is to start fantasizing and looking for the next relationship.
I surrendered the fantasy of the ideal mate and how he would rescue me righting all that was wrong with my life. I really did surrender that and when the fantasy sneak back in I stop it dead in its tracks. I don't call the guy I had a little date with and I avoid the married guy at the gym. I was doing good and then I noticed that I was really angry with a female friend of mine who I think also is a WWLTM. I was talking about her to others, I was praying about her and in my mind I was telling her all the things that she needed to do. I was bothered by it for days and creating a lot of drama for myself. Should I let her go, should I have a deep conversation with her--on an on. It didn't look like obsession but it was, it didn't feel like my old pattern but it was. Because I had decided that I could no longer hurt myself or distract myself with men-I took my WWLTM issues of controlling, manipulating, and hiding in others and applied it to my friend. I didn't even notice it- it happened so quickly. I also started some drama with my sister, my nieces, and I have an attitude problem with my son. Yes, I feel guilty, yes, I feel shitty.
Even this post is drama. I cant, its hard, I'm trying--now even my own recovery seems like obsession- a distraction. I cant just hold still be with myself and allow this process to work. I feel like jumping out of my skin. I want to scream, run, and bury my head in the sand. I feel like a junkie going through withdrawals. WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING FOR THAT WHOLE YEAR. How come I am still struggling, why am I still in so much pain? My emotions are all over the place, one day I feel hopeful, the next day I feel hopeless. No one to blame, no one to look at, nothing to use-not food, not alcohol, not men, not sex, not shopping. I don't trust anything or anyone I cant even trust me. I am afraid that nothing I do is genuine and that everything really is just about being distracted. Even writing here is starting to feel painful. Everything feels forced, everything feels fake.
I feel exactly like you, but i have just started recover a month or so ago. I am questioning my every move, emotions all over the place. I've been feeling pretty down as i start to realise that this is a big part of me and i'm not sure what comes next.
I also got really caught up in 2 WWLTM friends lovelife's, giving them advice and one of them has finished with her bf. I now feel responsible, guilty and like i have been manipulative, questioning my motives. However, i dont think her relationship was right and she seems fine, so i am trying to decide if it has been me helping her, or me using distraction. My other friend seems to want to always be talking about how awful it is, and i try to get her to see there is a better future for her if she escapes, is this selfish, am i hidiing in her problems? I think helping people is a natural part of life, i know the book says stop helping people, but isn't that a bit mean? How can you know if you are helping a friend in need, or if its selfishly motivated?
I started councelling last week, i might ask her about it and will post again tomorrow if she comes up with anything.
It sounds like you are really being hard on yourself. Remember, you dont have to be perfect, no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes, and if your mistakes are that you are helping a friend then thats no bad thing. Dont create drama with your family, try some mindful meditation before you spend time with them, so you will be aware of how your interactions are going.
Also, remember, the way you feel is temporary and will definately pass. So feel the emtions of feeling shitty and whatever else, and cry and scream and it will pass. You will realise it is temporary and it wont be scary anymore and each time you feel like this it will feel better.
Donna xx
Thank you for your response. I am struggling with the question of what is helping for me and am I just being manipulative and distracting myself. If I am to be "truthful" with myself all of my helping has always been about manipulation, wanting to be needed, wanting others to do what would make me comfortable, and distraction.
Currenlty, giving my friend advise about her marriage really stems from a feeling of not wanting to be alone in this single struggle. It is hard for me to see others in relationships. I don't know how to help people right now without using it as a form of not taking care of myself. For now I have to take the advice of the book and stop helping, stop playing the game. I think later in recovery the desire to help others will stem from a place of healing and I am not right there now.
I am glad that you responded it helps to have a different perspective sometimes and yes I am too hard on myself. Most of us are. I looking forward to hearing what your counselor has to say about helping be sure to keep me posted.
I mean really when we are ready to change we start looking for answers. I think that maybe for me it is just not helpful at all for my recovery to give advice- its to tempting. I have a child and if I want to care-take and mother I can just do it with him. I have to give it up and if later in my recovery I can do it from a place of wholeness I will. But I think even then it will not look like what it looks like for me now.
Something hit me the other day also. As my daughter, who is wonderful and usually never says anything bad about anyone, was telling me about how my son should approach his father and tell him what he is doing that he does not like, I looked at her and immediately thought.."YOU should be taking your own advice and talk to your dad (the two kids have separate dads) about his alcohol and drug abuse." I asked her kindly if she had done this herself and she blushed and said "no." So what I realized is that everytime I start to tell someone what I think they should be doing I stop myself and ask myself if "I" really need to be telling myself this!! It has had a powerful affect on me. I almost always cannot continue to tell them what I think they should be doing because I am guilty of it myself!
Sometimes the recovery process is painful also. We can't say when it will end, so to ask why me and when will it end is useless. Instead just tell yourself that it IS the process. I will continue to go through it. I will sometime in the near future feel different and come out on the other side. And in the meantime be kind to yourself.
When I used to feel like that I played the CD of Louis Hay's 100 power thoughts over and over and over again. I think I listened to it every day for an hour on my way to work and again on the way home. I did this for several months! I hated it in the beginning, but after a while it began to sooth me. It would take away my anxiousness and anxiety for awhile. It was just really calming. And after a real while I really began to listen to the words. "All is well in my world and everyone loves me...etc" And to be honest my life was not that bad. I was healthy, my kids were good, I was employed and the sun was shinning.
One thing also that helped me was when I thought I would never be with a man again or find the right one, I reminded myself that I had BEEN with a man most of my life. There was no shortage in my life of men. If I really wanted to be with a man I could be with one, but I would probably get one just like I had had and did I want that again. No was my answer so I trudged on being alone.
I believe a lot of recovery starts with learning to trust ourselves. And in order to trust ourselves we need to know ourselves. Once you know who you are and what you believe in, you can stand firmly on those choices and feel good about yourself. This takes an enormous amount of work and courage. If you are even aware of this process I believe you are soooooo far ahead of most of the population.
My recovery really began 8 years ago when I read a passage that said "What if you got to the end of your life and you could not remember most of it because you went through your life so busy and distracting yourself from really being present.? It scared the hell out of me because as I just looked back at just my past 10 years I felt like that. I could not really remember things except very significant events and a lot of those were very sad.
Thanks for responding. I agree with you that maybe advice should be for the professionals and truthfully therapist are adamant about not giving you advice but rather informing you of different perspectives. I was thinking about what I wanted to do career wise and I studied to be a therapist but now I realize that really that was just another way for me to help, control, and distract myself. Right now I have no desire to be anyone's therapist.
Honestly, I am getting tired of creating drama. I just prayed and journal and realize that I am starting to feel a sense of peace with not having to worry so much about what others are doing, thinking, and choosing for themselves. Funny, but I believe that when I am feeling good about myself a mate will come-not out of a false need but rather out of real desire. I am okay with being alone I am just not okay with being in pain. At this point, I am really interested in pursuing a career as a funeral consultant. You know the person who helps you plan the last ceremony for your loved ones. I have planned three funeral in my short life and I can tell you the person across the desk can make a significant difference in the experience. There is no need to give advice in that moment, there is no need to control or manipulate. It really will just be a moment to provide a service, explore the option, and bare witness to others pain.
I am willing to surrender my advice giving, I am willing to be in pain without distraction, I am willing to be single. I am willing to go forward with my recovery, I am willing to be unsure, I am willing. Right now that is all I can do.
Here's the other side of the coin of helping people, one that I am having to remind myself of every so often: most of the time people resent us for helping them with their problems. They need to feel like they're solving their own problems, otherwise they feel obligated to us in some way and nobody wants to feel obligated. It's a fine balance, because we can't stand around and watch others become vicitms, but we have to be wise enough not to loser ourselves by rescuing people from something that they don't truly want to be rescued from (or in any even want to feel like they did it themselves).
Thanks for posting this entry
I have seen it happen countless times- give advice and then get blamed or they hide from you because they don't want to take your advice. The other side is that then your relationship becomes about being a counselor instead of a friend. Always the listening ear and when you try to explain that you have problems too they blow you off. I have cleaned house and right now I hardly talk to anyone. It is time that I start to make friends with my equals. I am done being anyone nurse Betty.