Hello,

I am not sure where everyone else is on this long and winding road to recovery because I am not even sure where I am in the journey. I am struggling between my wants, my beliefs, my deep desires, and my reality. I feel split off in several different directions and I lack wisdom and understanding.

Most days I feel confused, complacent, terrified, and hopeful all at the same time. I have moments of bone-tired weariness and then I flip to feeling like I am not doing enough. Although, I still struggle with letting go of the belief that the love of a man will erase all of these problems on a deeper level I understand that it really isn't about men at all. I also understand that it is deeper than a new job, a new home, losing weight, or my current hair-style. Am I good enough, am I headed in the right direction, have I forgiven everyone I needed to forgive. The solutions are endless and there are no like of experts in our personal or professional lives who offer varying ways for healing, growth, and recovery.

My mind is constantly jumping from one thing to the next promising me peace, healing, and recovery. Join this group, call this person, write this, read that, lose weight, go shopping. No, try this technique- its an addiction, its a disease, no- wait its spiritual- pray, meditate, journal, try yoga. I am split off into a million different directions- trying this thing or that. It seemed so much easier when all of my eggs were in just one basket. All I need is the love of a man and all will be well. I worked hard to dismantle that belief and now I am scrambling around trying to find some other solution to hold onto to. The not knowing, the worrying, the fear, the wanting, the expecting is driving me bananas. Nothing gives me permanent peace. The new behavioral or cognitive technique gives me a high for awhile and then I am on to something else. I pray and journal and then I am right back into painful thoughts, memories, and behaviors.

I am starting to realize that no behavior gives my mind rest for very long. My mind just seems to go back to wanting something else, needing something else, being unhappy, unfulfilled. What I do know for sure is that nothing gives my mind lasting peace.

I was on the phone with a friend today and she is unhappy in her marriage. Recently she met a guy and is considering having an affair. She sounds excited, she is thinking about what might be and what it will feel like and be like for her when these things happen. We will meet for coffee, we will have great sex and great conversations. He will be everything that my husband is not and I will feel so good- for so long. It will be magical. It sounds silly to think that an affair will give her that but boy oh boy do I know the feeling of that fantasy. Man nothing feels as good as the moment when you have all your eggs in one basket. There is not doubt, there is not fear, there is absolute surety that this thing will bring me all that I need. No wonder she is tempted- hell I would be tempted as well and have been countless times.

But it isn't just men that make me feel like I have to solution to all my problems. It has been when I lose weight all will be well, it has been when we move all will be well or when I get this job it will be well. I thought having a baby would make all well, I thought when my parents healed or died I would be well. I thought forgiving others or forgiving myself would make all well. More money, a new car, and all is well. I read Conversations with God and I thought this is it until I read Women Who Love too Much. But no then I read Brene Brown and thought no this is it until I read Loving What Is. I could go on and on and on.

What I do know with absolute clarity is that I DONT KNOW. I have no idea, I have no clue. I DONT KNOW.