I find myself in a strange situation. I recently left someone because he lied to me. plain and simple, and it is a major rule breaker with me. i can get over anything else, just dont lie to me. well i left him, moved out to my own place, where i am very happy... but i have continued to talk to him. and everything is well... borderline.
i know i dont have to give him a second chance, or even make that decision now, but he is asking for it, and owning responsibility for his actions, and respecting me. He didnt exactly cheat on me, but he had an old attatchment, that he admits to not being able to let go of. he lets me vent my anger to him, and i have said some mean things im not proud of, but i get so angry... and he will just say that he understands and deserves it. he does not call me if i ask him not to, he does not come by if i tell him not to... and he gives me my space. i guess now all i keep telling myself is... time. that if he is serious about it, then he will continue this way. but its hard, because i really feel like being a total and complete bitch... and honestly im not stopping myself. i have always denied myself expressing my feelings. im always the reserved one, the thinking one... rarely out of context, and if i do let go, well, then i usually find myself standing alone in the end because no one wants to hear how i truly feel. or it comes out in ways when i least expect it to, and dont want it to. He has, stopped talking to the girl he was talking to... they were together for 4 years, and she even to me admitted cheating on him multiple times and using him for money... and they did have an abusive relationship at times. after speaking with her, i just sat back and watched after moving out. she started posting things on his facebook... about how he will always come back to her... then posting negative things how he is making a mistake about not talking to her, that she is the only friend he will ever have, and that if she cant be happy neither can he. she texted me saying its not fair that she sits on the sidelines while i enjoy the luxuries of life, and that he promised to always take care of her financially. she then messaged me that she hopes i am happy because he wont even talk to her now and is keeping her from moving on to do productive things with her life because of it. He said he felt guilty because he was very mean to her when they met beings he was going through a divorce and had all kinds of anger and didnt even know who he was... and spent the rest of the time trying to make up for it, and that he really thought they had moved on to be friends, but he realized he had an attachment in all this, and it was sick of him to lie to me about it.
a big part of me wants to say its ok... but my anger wont let me so im ok for now. time will tell i guess who he really is. if he turns out to be a total lunatic, im protected here. im ok. but im finding it really hard to just turn away as i dont understand why he interests me so after all this happened. its very different. not like before. ive pushed him, yelled at him, asked him questions... belittled him even being angry... and he just sits there and talks to me. he doesnt yell back, he doesnt justify. he doesnt throw a fit and cry at my feet like they all have in the past. first they try intimidating, then justifying and rationalizing, then the crying and begging. all of those things that used to work on me... i even called him over, cause i was pissed off and my dog pooped on the floor, to pick up the poop at 4 am... then said ok bye, and he just kinda giggled and said anything else? and left. didnt try to hug me or do anything else. now i know i should stay single... and i am staying single right now... but should i even look at him as a second chance in the future? its so hard to say. cause i know i miss austin too.... i miss the comfort, the fact that my daughter calls him daddy and is happy when we are together, but i dont know if i could ever go back to the video games, the messy house, and the constant money strain and irresponsibility. im so close to being able to buy a house, have the future and things for my daughter i want. im such a contradiction in my own head. while superficial things dont matter, i dont feel its wrong to want a nice place that is my own. and if i were to ever get that with austin... it would be up to me entirely. what i enjoyed about the time i spent with the recent one... is that we could have done it together, and we enjoyed DOING things together. there was a freedom in coming home to a clean house, and having someone actually happy to see me, to look at me away from the computer screen. and i still feel for him, not the blinding i dont want to be without him, but well, i miss him too. i miss what he represented to me.
and i dont know if im mourning a fantasy in my own mind, or him. ugh. well, at least im here with my own place to mull this all over. i supose if i still feel this way in a few months i might give him another chance.
who knows. maybe ill give austin another chance. but i would have to pursue that one. maybe ill meet someone else, or maybe ill just be alone indefinitely. but for now i am considering a second chance in the future if he continues. sorry this is so long, i type fast and my brain got away with me... any thoughts ladies?