Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Ever since I turned 18 all my interactions with men have been pretty much the same.
I am attracted to for some reason to men who have fear of intimacy. They have all been unavailable to love me.
And the endings were always very painful to me and very long.
The last man I was in touch with via messages and two Skype calls opened my eyes to the pattern.
It started when I confided with him that I have been through rape and I have been acting strangely, and that he was nice to me, telling me he likes my poetry and it made me feel attracted to him.
Now this guy has a lot of connections, he doesn't need me, divorced twice + 2 kids from his second marriage and an ex who got away and who he admires.
I never thought of him as a romantic prospect before. He always seemed so distant and cold. That moment of temporary insanity, writing this to him, opened a correspondence. And he seemed very open to the idea of something happening between us. But was very passive through the whole period. He didn't communicate directly. And as he apologized frequently for not replying "on time"" and seemed okay with my inappropriate behavior, I started thinking he does not communicate his boundaries clearly.
He said he wanted to meet me but didn't mention it till I said I was confused about what was going on between us because he was supposedly scared I would leave if he mentioned it.
And left it at that and the more I wanted to know about his feelings and intentions the more pissed off he got till one day he told me - it happens every time I don't write a few hours. It's okay. Nothing happened. It is allowed.
I , who was always afraid I was nagging him and telling him I don't want to harass him was shocked.
We got into an argument and it lasted 2 months because he withdrew and the more he withdrew the more I pursued him. It took time till I understood the guy is passive aggressive and that he struggles with intimacy for he was subjected to emotional insect and was born out of wedlock.
It felt like a punishment. He said a bunch of times that he was willing to work on things with me and recover but it never happened he always disappeared into silence only to appear again after I told him he was driving me mad or that I was going to break up with him for good. I played into that acting impulsively and writing him a lot of letters or blocking him and unblocking him.
He said he wasn't angry, but I knew he was. He even blamed me for writing to him mom, a couples therapist, that he was abusive, he showed me the letter. It was not me.
There may be stuff I omitted but the bottom line is that I have fallen for 47 year old man and I am 23. And instead of being happy that I saw my destructive pattern in relationships and saw how he handles conflicts, I just broke down.
Thanks for reading.
I am attracted to for some reason to men who have fear of intimacy. They have all been unavailable to love me.
And the endings were always very painful to me and very long.
The last man I was in touch with via messages and two Skype calls opened my eyes to the pattern.
It started when I confided with him that I have been through rape and I have been acting strangely, and that he was nice to me, telling me he likes my poetry and it made me feel attracted to him.
Now this guy has a lot of connections, he doesn't need me, divorced twice + 2 kids from his second marriage and an ex who got away and who he admires.
I never thought of him as a romantic prospect before. He always seemed so distant and cold. That moment of temporary insanity, writing this to him, opened a correspondence. And he seemed very open to the idea of something happening between us. But was very passive through the whole period. He didn't communicate directly. And as he apologized frequently for not replying "on time"" and seemed okay with my inappropriate behavior, I started thinking he does not communicate his boundaries clearly.
He said he wanted to meet me but didn't mention it till I said I was confused about what was going on between us because he was supposedly scared I would leave if he mentioned it.
And left it at that and the more I wanted to know about his feelings and intentions the more pissed off he got till one day he told me - it happens every time I don't write a few hours. It's okay. Nothing happened. It is allowed.
I , who was always afraid I was nagging him and telling him I don't want to harass him was shocked.
We got into an argument and it lasted 2 months because he withdrew and the more he withdrew the more I pursued him. It took time till I understood the guy is passive aggressive and that he struggles with intimacy for he was subjected to emotional insect and was born out of wedlock.
It felt like a punishment. He said a bunch of times that he was willing to work on things with me and recover but it never happened he always disappeared into silence only to appear again after I told him he was driving me mad or that I was going to break up with him for good. I played into that acting impulsively and writing him a lot of letters or blocking him and unblocking him.
He said he wasn't angry, but I knew he was. He even blamed me for writing to him mom, a couples therapist, that he was abusive, he showed me the letter. It was not me.
There may be stuff I omitted but the bottom line is that I have fallen for 47 year old man and I am 23. And instead of being happy that I saw my destructive pattern in relationships and saw how he handles conflicts, I just broke down.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks for sharing your story with us. It really is sad the moment you realize the pattern. That it is a pattern and that what seemed like love was really an attempt at love by two beings deeply wounded in childhood, and unhealed, from those wounds. It is a highly humbling experience that I have also had, and dread having again.
You are lucky because you are as yet young and unmarried. This means you have a lot of time and freedom to turn your life around. The first thing you want to do is get over him. This will take some time. The second thing you will want to do is start to heal from your childhood. Something caused you to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men.
Don't give up hope...your future does not need to be your past x
This a connection I initiated while going through therapy to process and evolve from the abusive relationship I had been in when I was 19.
I needed emotional intimacy with someone and dreaded physical intimacy. The answer to that was online dating.
It helped me see the pattern.
This guy who has severe emotional problems was the perfect object for my love addiction.
And of course it created a lot of drama and aggression on both sides.
Thank god I did not see him in real life.