Hello,

I am rereading a New Earth for the hundredth time. Every time I read it I understand it more. I must admit that I have yet to become enlighten to the point that I want to be. I imagine that I will be like a Buddha-Christ. In the world but not of it. I can say that the teaching have afforded me some space between the thought and my reaction to the thought. But I am far from floating above the concerns of human existence.

Last night I was on Daily-Strength looking around and I came across a lady's journal that was open to the public. The journal spanned across maybe about 5-6 years. She was in an abusive relationship with two small children and during the time she was journaling here she miscarried once and had a still birth of twins. The husband would beat her on a daily basis and she would come to the site and talk about how painful it was but yet how she could not leave. I could not stop reading it. I read post after post waiting for her to leave, waiting for it to be over. Eventually after the beating that caused her to lose the twins he was arrested. Shortly after that she lost her job, was homeless for a while and then eventually started living with her grandmother. The last entry was sometime last year and she was rebuilding and hoping that her and her husband would get back together. Yes, I said she wanted to try again- what saved her is that he said no.

She said she felt stupid for saying it or even thinking it but she was willing to tell the truth. The people that responded were kind- saying things like it is okay but you need to move on. I pride myself on being non-judgmental but really it is just a performance most times. I was judging her- I wanted her to run like hell because she represented my greatest fear. She represented the part of me that I wish to hide- the part that will chase the impossible yet appealing dream at all cost. It feels good and uppity to say "well, I have NEVER been in an abusive relationship. I would NEVER let a man hit me.." But truth be told the men I dated were so off balanced I was only one bad argument away from being slapped or slapping them myself. I can remember one night I fantasized about stabling my boyfriend while he slept.

But I think that there is a lesson her far greater than I at first imagines. See the book I mentioned in the beginning of the post talks about the insatiable wanting of the ego. Ego being a conceptualized sense of self. I am what I think, have, do, roles I play, and possessions that I own. I have equated Being with things, people, and ideas outside of myself. The book proposes that the content may be different depending on gender, race, social economic status, and culture but the structure is the same. The structure is there is something, someone, or some idea outside of myself that will complete me. Her content was different than mine- her man was abusive while my were addicts but the structure- the underlying cause was the same. I need something outside of myself to be okay and I will pursue it at all cost. It was easy for me to look at her content and think I am not that bad but really we are struggling from the same disease. Hell, to be honest all humans are struggling from this disease because the list for enlighten human beings is really small. The content for WWLTM is men or relationship in general but it is no worse or better than the workaholic, the shopaholic, the food addict, the drug addict, the religious nut, the serial killer----I mean the list is endless for the ways in which human beings are seeking something outside of themselves to feel better to the point where it becomes addictive and obsessive.

But the dream is impossible. It will never work and once we can fully grasp and believe that we can start doing the real work of our lives. The search for something outside of ourselves that will heal is so appealing but it is doomed to fail each and every time. It is tempting to think that the woman who believes her abusive husband can save her if he only changes is no more absurd than me thinking a man addicted to prescription pills could save me. The absurdity lies not in the content but rather in the structure of the belief- I need something or someone else to feel better, safe, whole, validated, wanted, or worthy. So where do we look if not in others or in stuff. I think that once we release the dream what we are left with is the truth of who we are. It does not need to be found or discovered or created. It is already there being covered up by an impossible yet appealing dream.