Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Last night I ended a 15 month relationship, the longest I have had since my marriage of 8 years ended 6 years ago. I had read WWLTM over 2 years ago and discovered this forum and had gone through what I thought was a significant process of self realisation and growth. Yet coming back to the forum after 18 months and reading Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde I find that I had only succeeded in graduating from emotionally unavailable men to a classic Jekyll and Hyde man.
He has broken off with me countless times during out time together. The last time was four months ago when we returned from a nightmare of a holiday to England. I had discovered I was pregnant just before we left and miscarried immediately after arriving in England. All the way through the planning stages of the trip he had said he didn't want me or my son tagging along with him. During the Jekyll times he would agree to us going and then almost immediately turn on us for daring to come with him on the trip. While I was in hospital waiting for surgery, he had the full care of my son who has Aspergers and to this day had not forgiven me for it. He was very abusive during the worst of times on the trip and as soon as we got back, he broke up saying he would rather be alone I experienced cognitive dissonance of the worst kind because this was the same guy who was so loving to me when he realised I was pregnant. Now he was treating me like crap.
I had a lot of his stuff at my place, so after a few days recovering at a Sanctuary for Women where I received rest time for reflection and counseling, I drove over to his place to drop it off, but talked myself and him into getting back together again. And my excuse was if I was not in his life, he would go back to his old habits of frequenting brothels, strip clubs and massage palours on a regular basis. To this day, he swears he has not gone to any of those places in the time we have been together, but it does not matter anymore. What matters is my realisation that I had tied myself to a balding 45 year old tending to fat around the middle who has never grown up. That the guy who is all lovey dovey with me and makes me feel a million dollars is the same guy who did and does all the bad stuff.
My son is having mental health issues at the moment and I think they are partly linked to seeing us fighting all the time. His dad and I despite all our problems never fought, so the constant bickering was taking a serious toll on someone I needed to protect as mum. And the last straw was the realisation that I could not really talk to my boyfriend anymore. If he didn't like the topic he would just hang up the phone or shout at me to shut up not caring about whether we were in public or not. And he would always have a reason for snapping at me which was all my fault. When I tried to explain that whatever the provocation, snapping was not a nice way to treat someone you loved, he walks away.
Last night, I was at his place. He wants to maintain his "independence", so refuses to move in with me ever. But as he had started spending most of the week at my place, the inability to charge him a reasonable rent for costs was wearing on me. He couldn't afford it because he needed to pay his own mortgage for the house he insisted on maintaining empty for him to escape to from time to time. We had a conversation about risk taking and I made a remark about his past promiscuous sexual behaviour and that led to a horrendous argument, which led him to break off with me while insisting on dropping me home. I refused to go home and we eventually made up. But he consumed a large amount of alcohol in the afternoon, another attempt to explain how I felt about him went wrong and he turned into Mr. Hyde. He spewed forth some terrible stuff he had held inside for a long time and called me a cow and how he was now going to go back to his old lifestyle and that I was not going to be able to stop him. We survived the night without too much argument and this morning he made the hour's drive to my place with all my stuff and picked up everything he left at mine. That marked the end of our relationship.
As he left, he came to give me a hug and tell me he loved me. I refused to even look at him. This was it. I have finished it with him. No more going back. I called a couple of friends for support and logged back on here. My next steps are to remove my Facebook Profile and find things to do to occupy my time. I can do this. I do not need him anymore. I had begun recognising the codependent nature of our relationship after the second or third time we broke off. But I always told myself I needed him in my life for the sake of the good times we shared. That is not true. I deserve to be with someone who can treat me in a consistently nice manner. Not this good cop/bad cop routine. I have had enough and I am going cold turkey. I need your support my lovely ladies.
He has broken off with me countless times during out time together. The last time was four months ago when we returned from a nightmare of a holiday to England. I had discovered I was pregnant just before we left and miscarried immediately after arriving in England. All the way through the planning stages of the trip he had said he didn't want me or my son tagging along with him. During the Jekyll times he would agree to us going and then almost immediately turn on us for daring to come with him on the trip. While I was in hospital waiting for surgery, he had the full care of my son who has Aspergers and to this day had not forgiven me for it. He was very abusive during the worst of times on the trip and as soon as we got back, he broke up saying he would rather be alone I experienced cognitive dissonance of the worst kind because this was the same guy who was so loving to me when he realised I was pregnant. Now he was treating me like crap.
I had a lot of his stuff at my place, so after a few days recovering at a Sanctuary for Women where I received rest time for reflection and counseling, I drove over to his place to drop it off, but talked myself and him into getting back together again. And my excuse was if I was not in his life, he would go back to his old habits of frequenting brothels, strip clubs and massage palours on a regular basis. To this day, he swears he has not gone to any of those places in the time we have been together, but it does not matter anymore. What matters is my realisation that I had tied myself to a balding 45 year old tending to fat around the middle who has never grown up. That the guy who is all lovey dovey with me and makes me feel a million dollars is the same guy who did and does all the bad stuff.
My son is having mental health issues at the moment and I think they are partly linked to seeing us fighting all the time. His dad and I despite all our problems never fought, so the constant bickering was taking a serious toll on someone I needed to protect as mum. And the last straw was the realisation that I could not really talk to my boyfriend anymore. If he didn't like the topic he would just hang up the phone or shout at me to shut up not caring about whether we were in public or not. And he would always have a reason for snapping at me which was all my fault. When I tried to explain that whatever the provocation, snapping was not a nice way to treat someone you loved, he walks away.
Last night, I was at his place. He wants to maintain his "independence", so refuses to move in with me ever. But as he had started spending most of the week at my place, the inability to charge him a reasonable rent for costs was wearing on me. He couldn't afford it because he needed to pay his own mortgage for the house he insisted on maintaining empty for him to escape to from time to time. We had a conversation about risk taking and I made a remark about his past promiscuous sexual behaviour and that led to a horrendous argument, which led him to break off with me while insisting on dropping me home. I refused to go home and we eventually made up. But he consumed a large amount of alcohol in the afternoon, another attempt to explain how I felt about him went wrong and he turned into Mr. Hyde. He spewed forth some terrible stuff he had held inside for a long time and called me a cow and how he was now going to go back to his old lifestyle and that I was not going to be able to stop him. We survived the night without too much argument and this morning he made the hour's drive to my place with all my stuff and picked up everything he left at mine. That marked the end of our relationship.
As he left, he came to give me a hug and tell me he loved me. I refused to even look at him. This was it. I have finished it with him. No more going back. I called a couple of friends for support and logged back on here. My next steps are to remove my Facebook Profile and find things to do to occupy my time. I can do this. I do not need him anymore. I had begun recognising the codependent nature of our relationship after the second or third time we broke off. But I always told myself I needed him in my life for the sake of the good times we shared. That is not true. I deserve to be with someone who can treat me in a consistently nice manner. Not this good cop/bad cop routine. I have had enough and I am going cold turkey. I need your support my lovely ladies.
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