Oh my. Dracona I don't know your story, but it sure sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I see that you have set goals for yourself, but that you're feeling guilty for leaving your daughter.

I can't answer anything for you, but I can say it sounds like you're asking yourself the right questions. As your sister is caring for your daughter and presumable knows your situation, can you ask her what her take is? Perhaps your daughter is doing just fine with the situation. Just 5 more weeks?

In any event, it seems to me from your post you are carrying a whole lot on your shoulders. Perhaps if you're overwhelmed you can prioritize and let something go.

Best wishes and love to you,

p

Dracona,
It do not know you but it seems to me that you are a people pleaser and tend to deny "yourself".
Don't push yourself so hard. There is nothing wrong with having goals and wanting to achieve things in life but to me it seems that you are lacking focus and are becoming overwhelmed with it all.

Listen to your body and spirit and don't do anything that is going to drain or diminish you. Ste some priorities and put things in compartments. You are not super woman and nobody should expect you to be.

Hugs to you
E

You have to take care of yourself first Dracona, so you can be the mother your daughter needs and deserves. Take time for you, time to rest and replenish and the rest will follow. Hugs! snow

Hey Dracona. Big hugs. Its so hard going back to school...especially with...having your daughter to worry about. I feel your stress! Everything you are doing is challenging, BUT it doesn't mean you are doing the wrong thing. We have to focus on facts, not feelings. The fact is you are going back to school, you are in soccer which sounds like a lot of fun and great exercise. If you gotta cry, cry. One good thing I learned from therapy is: there is no danger in crying. All that happens at the end is we feel just spent. If you choose not to complete these challenges, it is ok.

You are a worthy person no matter what.

But, it would be a really great thing because it is a goal of yours. Your daughter will admire you even more when she is older she'll say: look at all my mom accomplished under such pressure. I want to be just like her.
It sucks that counseling wasn't helping but what doesn't work doesn't work. Since its their job to help you, its a failure of theirs. If your way forward is getting back up every time you feel down, that is your way. And its an admirable way.
So don't give up! You can do it, take those 5 weeks, just day by day, baby steps, you will get through :)

Dracona, I hear you.....sometimes the struggles we go through as single mothers is intense...in addition, there is incredible pressure out there to "perform", achieve, be the best, everything. As women, now we are not only expected to be the number 1 nurturers, homemakers, mothers; we are also expected to be excellent in our chosen career fields. No wonder we are burning out. Please do not be so harsh on yourself; now is the time to be very gentle to you, to be your own mother. I don't know your whole story--why your daughter is with your sister, but I'm sure you are doing your best. You mentioned you might be feeling this way because it was close to your period---that could be true....here's another thought, perhaps you are low in your b vitamins. Perhaps a b-complex stress vitamin could help, along with extra vitamin b12. Make sure you get lots of rest. I'm happy you have a good man. Please be more tolerant and loving towards yourself, though. Much love, artgrrl.

(((((((HUGS)))))) Dracona, you are always so strong for the rest of us, you must give yourself the same compassion ! The mother's guilt trip is a lifetime thing lol..... when you have children it never goes away, at least not for us good moms :) ..... so don't beat yourself up! Godbless you, 2Butterfly

I feel for you. When it comes to emotions and moods, I could write a book. I got some bad news on 2 different things this week on the same day that I found out I’m getting a raise. Instead of being happy, I was extremely disappointed. Which for me is expressed in anger where I’m mad at the world. My H tried to console me, but when I’m like that I just need to be left alone. Nothing anyone can say will break through my wall of self-condemnation.

I understand taking on too many responsibilities, and feeling like you can’t go on. Last year when I was finishing graduate school, I almost quit. I felt completely unappreciated for the hard work I was doing. School thought they were pushing me to excel. I felt like I was being dogged. Since I have a natural conditioning to focus on the negative (perfectionism), I felt defeated.

When I get like that, I spin it around. I turn the defeat into anger. This motivates me “I’ll show you!” I put on my game face and went back to work. I made the changes they wanted (which had nothing to do with the real world). I did what I had to do to get through it and graduate. Sometimes when other people create the game rules, you just have to play along. Even if you don’t agree, or would never do that in the real world.

So my advice to you is this. Accept your feelings (validate them). It is okay to feel that way. Don’t beat yourself up. Work through the feelings, don’t stuff them. Once they pass, look at the situation again and re-assess. Lighten your load where you can. Ask for help.

About your child, I am the product of a mother who spent 13 years of my childhood in school to become a doctor. If you want some advice about that send me an email. I could write a book on that too.

I hope you feel better soon, and find your internal strength to go on. I know you have it.

Thank you everyone, im feeling better today. im just in this constant internal war with myself, and all i want is peace. and thanks going up. i have to see this through, even if i dont get hardly any game time, i have to, maybe in a week my shins will feel better, maybe i have re fractured my leg from military injuries since they never fixed the origional problem. but i know i will feel good about myself if i finished. and after this, i dont have to do it again if i dont want to. its just so much is against me physically right now. besides not being in shape, im retaining water like crazy, im always puffy it seems. its so hard to run, and gets harder when it should be getting easier. its hard to tell what is just me fighting myself, and what is physical. but im going to try out for a goalie position, i used to be good at it. its not so much running, i could do that. if im good enough, and i have to be exceptional, i might get a spot in the game sometimes, there are 2 others ahead of me with spots already, but if im good enough they might put me in the spot.
I just have to see this through, so i can grow emotionally, its not just about the sport, or the injuries, its about me, pushing myself, and making it work. finishing something. starting somewhere so i can get over this constant feeling of "im a failure" if i can get through this, then i can say this was hard, and everything was against me doing it, but i did it, now i can move on in my life and know that i CAN defeat this constant voice in my head that says im not good enough, because i had made myself good enough and that nothing is too much for me. i have to be hard on myself, its the only way i know. I am conditioned to respond to stress, respond to drama, respond to craziness, so i am attempting to create a healthy craziness for me to excel in, not trauma to survive through. i just hope in the long run, my daughter will see this, and that it will work. i want to be the mom i never had. i want to be the mom that she looks up to, and loves. that she can make healthy choices because her mom taught her how to. that she can live life and laugh and love with out ever looking back. Thank you all for being here for me, i wouldnt be where i am today if it wasnt for all of you. i know i dont always have time to keep up with everyone's stories as id like to. but thank you for being here for me. all of you.

For those of you who dont know my story,

I went through alot of childhood emotional neglect and manipulation... then abusive relationship after another. narc train after narc train. I am a self sabateur and do not allow myself to succeed. i fight with myself every day.
i feel guilty for being happy, and sometimes it comes out in anger. i learned to use that anger to push me forward, even when i dont want to exist. i believe in kindness to all, and universal love, but i live in fear as my past haunts me. I have ptsd. i have triggers. i wish only to find my peace. and its time for that to happen. my baby's father left me after planning her, after i lost the first one and my heart was still broken from that, all i wanted was another, and when it happened again he picked that vulnerable time to crush my heart and invalidate me and leave me sick on the streets with no job as i had quit for him, and no where to go. i had started this group after reading wwltm and realizing i had a problem with finding these men, one after another. i knew there was better out there for me. it has taken me on a journey of mind body and soul. i never would have thought how deep the scars run, and now far it leads back and why i am the way i am. i learn more every day. recovery is a journey, and i work daily to recover the me i should have been, the me inside me that was never conditioned to grow. that book changed my life. if even just so i could acknowledge the pattern that was happening. ACCEPTANCE is power. acceptance is key to recovery. you cannot move on until you can accept something, however painful. acceptance kills denial.

When i look back to who i was a few years ago, it was a different person. while i still have problems with attachments, i no longer live fantasies. i no longer bow down before a man and do whatever he wishes just so he wont leave... i am no longer empty, that eternal black hole i had in my chest that was only filled or calmed when he told me he loved me and it would be ok. i no longer need a man to love me.
i have learned to find love, and different levels of love, and leave when that love has ceased to grow.

but at one point i was a cowering puddle on the floor, i lived in the craziness, and would fight for justification, for him to tell me it wasnt true, even when he talked about how beautiful others were during sex and how he could be doing them but i should feel lucky he was doing me, and my thoughts? hes right, hes HERE, and that would make me feel special. i would pay all the bills and be swept of my feet by a rose he picked out of some old lady's garden. when i was hit i would submit, and rather be hit, than to have him think that i would hurt him by talking to, or thinking about another man to prove myself to him.
that was my life. every day. i sacrificed what should have been the best years of my life, to live in a fantasy of that i was a great woman, and he would be a great man because of how i loved him. when i say him and he, there were many hims and hes, one after another, the same man, same fantasy, and of course same results.

Now i refuse to live that fantasy, and i struggle with the aftermath of so many years of negative conditioning and abuse. somedays i give up. somedays im ready to fight and go on. sometimes i want to just give in, and become a statistic. but i just want so much more. i was meant for more somehow.
i want everything i was denied my entire life.

I was told once, that i was just one of those people who will never be happy, and always want more.
i used to feel guilty about this, and this goes for most of us women.

but then i thought about it this way, what the hell is wrong with always wanting more? when you stop changing you die, and just because you may never be happy, does not mean you should stop searching. life is a journey, and you should always want more, or the most out of it whatever that means to you.
so who cares if im never happy, its not about finding my happiness, its about the road i take to get there.

Oh my goodness, dracona. Thanks for sharing your story and journey. But it made me cry. It made me cry because I could hear the pain. And it made me cry because I know my journey will be similar.

I am angry at the person who told you you will never be happy. How cruel.

I know now that this experience and this journey is unique in that a person has to experience it to really understand it. And while it's unique, it is the common thing that bonds us.

I was thinking earlier that if I'd never read WWL2M, and if I never found this group that I'd be totally flailing - falling deeper and deeper into despair without understanding what was happening, and blaming myself, and then probably giving up and tolerating the hell I have lived with the men I've chosen. But with knowledge and common experiences we know that while the journey is difficult, we must take it. OUr lives depend on it, as well as the lives of those who depend on us. And the tough days are tough. But for me, I go forward with the faith that tough days are part of the journey and that blue skies and peaceful waters are waiting for me.

I'm really thankful you started this group. There's a way out. And dammit, I'm gonna find it. I wish that for us all.

Love and peace to you, ((((((((((Dracona)))))))))))

p

I don't believe we ever truly heal... But instead learn to grow with our wounds

I have been thinking about you, Dracona.

How are you doing? Well, I hope.

Love,

p

im hangin in there, all in all im ok, ive been worse, just struggling to make the next step ya know? trying to learn to be greatful for what i have and not focus so much on the past and what was taken from me. trying to grow... so hard to not go backwards. so easy to give up. how are you?