Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Hi Everyone,
It's been a while since I've written anything, although I read the input everyday.
It's been almost a year since I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 years. We've had some contact, seen each other once, but the separation still stands. I realize that I still have love for him, and even communicated that to him last weekend, but that we both have so many things to work out in each of our own lives. I didn't get any answer from him, as he chooses not to respond when I talk about feelings, or even our problems in the relationship. His e-mails are very superficial - small talky - which describes the void going on we were together.
Anyway, my topic today, is I realize that I have no drama going on in my life now. I also realize that I have lived my life very co-dependent to the drama created around me, first by my mother, then by my brother, and of course, with all these unavailable men who had so many problems themselves. My question is, how do we get through that depression that is looming in the background, when we have nobody but ourselves to focus on?
In the book by Norwood, WWLTM, it is so well spelled out - we women, who love too much, and get so little in return, are trying to avoid the old hurts, and really to avoid the feelings we know will come with a separation, that brings up our earliest abandonment, along with this new pain. We seem to derive our meaning through this quest to get the love that should have been our birthright. Of course, we pick the exact wrong people to give us that love, that now, can only really come from within ourselves at this point.
I am actually grateful that those around me in my immediate family, are doing much better, and I don't have to focus on them. I am mentally grateful to be officially split from my boyfriend, which also gave me many unpleasant and depriving situations. So, now what? My heart, or emotions don't seem to have gotten the message of this accomplishment, as I feel even emptier when I get up in the morning. I'm left with me, and even at the ripe age of 62, am struggling about what to do with my life. I would characterize myself as mildly depressed now, in a way that I wasn't when I was in the relationship with him.
It's so illogical to think that my ability to feel joy, or even to avoid depression, could lie in the hands of someone like my ex-boyfriend, who has so much to resolve in his own life. So, I've let him go, in love, but, I've let him go. He should never have been in the position to keep me emotionally afloat. I know all this logically, so, I'm wondering why I don't feel better yet.
Anyone have any input? I would appreciate it so much.
Love to you all today!
Susanaluz
It's been a while since I've written anything, although I read the input everyday.
It's been almost a year since I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 years. We've had some contact, seen each other once, but the separation still stands. I realize that I still have love for him, and even communicated that to him last weekend, but that we both have so many things to work out in each of our own lives. I didn't get any answer from him, as he chooses not to respond when I talk about feelings, or even our problems in the relationship. His e-mails are very superficial - small talky - which describes the void going on we were together.
Anyway, my topic today, is I realize that I have no drama going on in my life now. I also realize that I have lived my life very co-dependent to the drama created around me, first by my mother, then by my brother, and of course, with all these unavailable men who had so many problems themselves. My question is, how do we get through that depression that is looming in the background, when we have nobody but ourselves to focus on?
In the book by Norwood, WWLTM, it is so well spelled out - we women, who love too much, and get so little in return, are trying to avoid the old hurts, and really to avoid the feelings we know will come with a separation, that brings up our earliest abandonment, along with this new pain. We seem to derive our meaning through this quest to get the love that should have been our birthright. Of course, we pick the exact wrong people to give us that love, that now, can only really come from within ourselves at this point.
I am actually grateful that those around me in my immediate family, are doing much better, and I don't have to focus on them. I am mentally grateful to be officially split from my boyfriend, which also gave me many unpleasant and depriving situations. So, now what? My heart, or emotions don't seem to have gotten the message of this accomplishment, as I feel even emptier when I get up in the morning. I'm left with me, and even at the ripe age of 62, am struggling about what to do with my life. I would characterize myself as mildly depressed now, in a way that I wasn't when I was in the relationship with him.
It's so illogical to think that my ability to feel joy, or even to avoid depression, could lie in the hands of someone like my ex-boyfriend, who has so much to resolve in his own life. So, I've let him go, in love, but, I've let him go. He should never have been in the position to keep me emotionally afloat. I know all this logically, so, I'm wondering why I don't feel better yet.
Anyone have any input? I would appreciate it so much.
Love to you all today!
Susanaluz
If you can afford therapy to start working through childhood issues, and unhealthy behaviors learned through childhood, I recommend it. I also highly recommend Codependents Anonymous. I found it really helpful going to meetings. I am going to start going again soon. Norwood recommends these meetings in the book as even more helpful than therapy.
But it's all about working through that depression. Getting to the root of it. What is really causing these feelings? Is it about something you can change, or something you can't? Etc.
Good luck x
are you ready to do the work?? being single is a great time to embark on the journey of healing....
Thanks for the feedback.
I'm sure that the depression was there before, after and during the relationship with my ex. I've been aware of it since I was about 16.
I also know it has to do with so many childhood needs gone unmet, as most of us have. I think the root of it is, as with so many, feeling unloved, and unworthy of love. It puts kind of a dull grey mist on one's life.
I've been looking for a group for a long time. But, I can't seem to find one that wouldn't be pretty expensive. I have to think about the financial concerns.
I have one very good friend that I talk these issues through with. That is helpful, and reading, reading, reading. Also, writing and reading on this site is good.
I am proud of myself, in one way. I was thinking of this today during my walk. I have let him go now, not sure if he loves me at all or not, and learning to live without having to believe that he does, even in some small way. That is real progress for me, as just a year and a half ago, just the thought of losing him almost put me into an emotional panic.
That's progress, I think. I am happy today, when I really recognize and congratulate myself on that fact.
Have a beautiful day everyone! Any more input is so welcomed.
It seems to take a long time, and what bothers me, is that what I should be feeling - relief, freedom, emancipation, etc., is not what I am feeling a lot of the time.
I still have the misguided feeling that I have lost my source of love in this world - all the time knowing that that is so untrue, illogical, and really, pretty crazy.
I guess logic and feelings take a while to reconcile themselves.
Thanks again for caring enough to write.
The way you summarize Susan Norwood's book, as well as described the way "you should be feeling" were really powerful for me, even in understanding my own personal issues. To me, it sounds like you are just feeling the reality of the situation, the void that has been left in your life. This is a good, healthy thing! You mentioned you are dismayed by the fact that he was your source of love, and while you understand that that thinking is illogical, that's how it feels. Another good, healthy thing! To change how you feel, act. Albert Einstein said: “If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” Give yourself a few new goals. Start small. Perhaps grow a friendship and let more people "know" you, volunteer in a cause you care about, or visit a new place that has always intrigued you. Personally, I think your goal should be to ask yourself daily: "What small thing will bring me joy today?" then DO it, even if it feels forced. You will grow self-love that way. hat void will grow smaller and smaller as you nurture yourself and choose to make yourself happy. I bet it's only a short matter of time before you look back in amazement at your journey and feel astonished pride of the evolution in you. ~p
Your advice is excellent, and right. I know the way to get out of the void is to connect with others. I think the problem for me, sometimes, is being a natural introvert - at least in my time off from work. And, I seem to continue, at least up to this period of my life, seeking out some kind of primal nourishment from one individual - the man in my life. That is so misguided, as I have said, to choose someone who has so little nourishment to give, as my source, over and over again.
I know the fallacy, and what seems to feel good at the time, is not actually good. What I feel like I want, is not what I need.
This is my conundrum, which has been driving me all my life. I finally have to get out of my comfort zone, as well as get out of my own way, and do these things that don't feel so pleasant at the moment. It's time.
Thanks again for your input.
I guess being healthier, doesn't always translate into feeling better, at least not in the beginning.
I am really trying to look back on when the depression first started, which was soon followed by my really painful relationships with boys/men. It's a long look back, since I am 62, and have had quite a few painful relationships. I never married any of them, or had children. I guess that is both a blessing, and also, kind of sad.
I was born into pretty much a "happiness-impaired" family, with a lot of mental illness. That's my programming, and now, at this age, I really have to focus on reprogramming. I'm sure I also contributed to the malfunctioning of my relationship with my last boyfriend. I guess what happened, is, we had a tacit agreement to continue being dysfunctional with each other, which was ok for him. Maybe it was my yearning to finally be well that caused me to instigate the separation, which I'm sure has been painful for him as well.
Finally being well sounds so good for me. It's long overdue.
That's what I'm wishing all of us on this really beautiful Saturday.
Love to everyone!