Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Last night I discussed my occasional feelings of abandonment, loneliness, sadness, pain, rejection, etc. with my best friend and cousin. It's been 2 months since my break-up, and even though it has been coming on for a while, I'm still in the grieving stage, and struggling with my feelings, at times. I definitely have days when I'm feeling better, but, I also have the bad days too. I just think it's too soon to feel completely over it all, since it was a 10 year relationship.
Her take on it was kind of "tough-loveish". She knows about his treatment of me, during the last years, and simply doesn't understand why I should still be suffering, even intermittently now. I told her that I have good days and bad ones, and yesterday was a low for me, because of some of my triggers. She doesn't really understand why I would need to continue talking about anything having to do with him now, and just focus on the future. Of course she is right, but, it just feels hard to me, and doesn't help right now. My mother is the same way, and she is the one who helped set me up for these complicated relationships.
My question is, I couldn't really make my cousin understand, because I'm pretty sure she doesn't have any of this dynamic of WWLTM, that we share on this site. When a guy is not available to her, she has generally had a healthier reaction, and moved on pretty quickly.
So, the conversation, which I needed to be supportive, kind of made me feel worse. I guess we should be careful about who we share these kind of feelings with. Our friends mean well, and love us, and know that we deserve better than these men. So, that's where they are coming from. But, it adds to the hurt, to me, when they can't understand why it's still painful, and what feelings are evoked from our primitive wounds, when we go through this.
Her take is that I have to focus on how unhealthy the relationship had become for me, and just feel relieved now. She is right, and I'm sure relief will come, and eventually reside permanently inside me, but, it's just not quite there yet.
I don't want what I'm going through, to cause problems in my relationship with my cousin, so, I guess I have to kind of pretend, and act like I'm completely over everything, which feels difficult for me.
Has anyone had this experience, and any thoughts?
Thanks, and have a good Sunday, everyone.
Susanaluz
Her take on it was kind of "tough-loveish". She knows about his treatment of me, during the last years, and simply doesn't understand why I should still be suffering, even intermittently now. I told her that I have good days and bad ones, and yesterday was a low for me, because of some of my triggers. She doesn't really understand why I would need to continue talking about anything having to do with him now, and just focus on the future. Of course she is right, but, it just feels hard to me, and doesn't help right now. My mother is the same way, and she is the one who helped set me up for these complicated relationships.
My question is, I couldn't really make my cousin understand, because I'm pretty sure she doesn't have any of this dynamic of WWLTM, that we share on this site. When a guy is not available to her, she has generally had a healthier reaction, and moved on pretty quickly.
So, the conversation, which I needed to be supportive, kind of made me feel worse. I guess we should be careful about who we share these kind of feelings with. Our friends mean well, and love us, and know that we deserve better than these men. So, that's where they are coming from. But, it adds to the hurt, to me, when they can't understand why it's still painful, and what feelings are evoked from our primitive wounds, when we go through this.
Her take is that I have to focus on how unhealthy the relationship had become for me, and just feel relieved now. She is right, and I'm sure relief will come, and eventually reside permanently inside me, but, it's just not quite there yet.
I don't want what I'm going through, to cause problems in my relationship with my cousin, so, I guess I have to kind of pretend, and act like I'm completely over everything, which feels difficult for me.
Has anyone had this experience, and any thoughts?
Thanks, and have a good Sunday, everyone.
Susanaluz
I don't even talk about my situation with my friends anymore because I don't want to wear them out. And I don't feel they "should" necessarily support me at this point -- they've heard it all before! Nowadays when I feel really bad, I either lay low or find support from places like here; and then when I see them, I use their energy to propel myself into some other place where I don't have to think about the failed relationship.
I think you are right, and very clear on this issue. I'm going to print your reply, and carry it around with me for a few days.
Have a peaceful Sunday.
Back to the friend thing, I guess when we try to talk to others about our breakups, we really just want that: a "hug" (whether real or implied). At least I do. I don't want solutions or to be told to snap out of it or that time will heal: I just want someone to take me in their arms and hold me. Maybe I should start asking for it...
And Tokyo yes, mine too gave the best hugs I have ever had in my life and I know that among other things I didn't have in my life prior to that was why I stayed in the relationship so long despite the bad stuff.
Yes, I did just need a hug last night, when I talked with my cousin. She tried, but, it came out too harsh, and I think ended up frustrating for us both.
I'm also missing comfort from the very person who is now my ex. That's really a catch-22.
So, it's nice to have this site. I'm glad we are here to give "hugs" when needed, and the kind of understanding that I am looking for now.
Have a beautiful evening everyone.
Everyone has different communication styles, and it is a matter of figuring out what you need and how to get it. If you need some tough love, talk to your cousin and don't be surprised when she gives it to you! I found that keeping a journal was really helpful for me when I needed to get it out but was in a place where I was too fragile to get a response back from someone.
That is a good idea - to talk to the "tough-love" people when we need exactly that. There is some value to that, it just isn't always what we are needing at the moment.
Many things she said, continue to resonate with me, and are helpful. So, she helped me.
I also keep a journal, and read books, etc. Also, this site is very helpful to me now.
It is about figuring out what you need, and how to get it. We should take that advice in every aspect of our lives - especially in our relationships with men!
Have a good day!