Sorry you are feeling so bad.
Its the hardest thing, realizing it wasn't even real on their part, when it felt so goddam real to us !
Time and distance do help!
Xo caz

You can mistake how they feel about you, beucase you do the feeling for them. They are great manipulators and know how to play a role and when we see the role playing we substitute how we would feel acting in that way and then we believe that they must love us and feel that same way. They say the right things, behave the right way to get exactly what they want, but it is empty on their side apparently. They are fickle. It doesn't last if it ever existed. I'm asking myself th esame thing every day. How can you supposedly love someone for 32 years and then not be sure if you love them? Then decide you love them, but you aren't IN LOVE with them? A life together is meaningless to these men, they want and need variety ( many women). He will project his anger onto you, he will blame you, he is using you to display the feelings he is afraid to feel himself. It isn't healthy for you. You aren't losing your grip, your feelings are right on...your gut is tellnig you this is all wrong, you know it's not your fault that is why you are incredulous that he is blaming you. Pay attention to his actions and your gut feelings, not his manipulating words.

Harmony, I am in the same place as you. So sad at the loss. It did feel so real. I so believed. Now he leaves me with strength and confidence to know that I deserve a man that loves my children and not just me. Facing and accepting that I may live alone is the hardest part, But it is what it is. But I have got to get through this to be better for my children. They deserve a mom that is better than this woman that submits to him. I understand about losing a grip. So many broken promises. But they are what they are and those broken promises will not define me and don't let them define you.

Im not religous but i thank God for all of you on here and your support i dont know what i would do without it at this time.Its only by reading your stories and messages that i realize im not alone and inspires me to keep fighting for something better. XO

harmony7 and blueshoesz, Thank you!

Its hard to believe that they can be so cruel. I hung onto those I love you's...and all they were were words. I was adored too until he tired of me. Every thought I have of him starts with How could he pretend like that? How could he treat me like that? How could he do this? How can he forget me? How how how how how...because he could thats how. Because he is sick. What keeps people like us going and getting on with it eventually is our spirit..most of us have been through tons of crap before that XN ever came along...we made it thru all that stuff because of our spirit...they can take our souls but not our spirit. Our spirit gives us a new soul again eventually...you will make it thru this...if I can think that even for just today so can you!!!!! HUGZZZZZZ

Ladies, my heart aches for you, you wrote my story with my words, you feel my pain, AND you are so perceptive and have grasped the TRUTH!!! Now the true healing and recovery can begin. And as you read the many posts here, it becomes so painfully clear that starting and maintaining COMPLETE NC is the ONLY path to final closure and soul-repair EVEN THOUGH it is also the most difficult thing you may ever do for yourselves. I kept harboring hope even in the face of other women and 3 discards, I was SO sure that we had a unique connection, that I really was the exception, that a bond so strong would win over all, that I was the ONE who he would never want to lose, blah, blah, blah.......I just couldn't close the door. Yes, I read all the sad posts here of women who had gone thru this over and over, but of course THEY never had the connection WE had had.........yeah, right, what a connection - me and countless other women before, during and after me!!! It's so hard to accept the plain truth - and so essential to our eventual recovery. " if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck............." - I STILL marvel that I clung to those fantasies so long in the face of the treatment I was actually receiving from him. And here I am, 2 years after, still reading to bolster my sad eventual acceptance that, despite being married for 6 years, just like all of you, I lived in a fantasy "relationship", an illusion that could just evaporate like a puff of smoke when he was "over it", bored and ready to move on to the next, and the next, and the next............. . Like others, I continue to post here to bolster YOUR decision to save yourself through total NC. You can't do anything to help the others who will be damaged by his convincing web of seduction, but you can SAVE YOURSELF!!! And your worth so much more. Blessings

Thank you Harplady for being here and posting. We not only can save ourselves, it is imperitve to our health to stand on our own two feet and walk away from the emotional abusers that they are. Having said that, people tell me it gets better with time, I pray that it does, as I have more issues than just an N that I am trying todivorce, I have all these self esteem issues, and trying to understand how to live on my own and accept it.

I don't know if I can feel any worse than I do currently and I'm on Anti-ds...I've decided to get off them, all they do is make me foggy, tired and I feel like I'm fighting the fogginess in order to be aware enough to make the right decisions about finding a job, interviewing, getting my roof repaired, etc. It's clear I relied too heavily on him to take care of many "husband" responsibilities and this has put me in an even weaker spot now. I shouldn't have gone there, but I think that is a side effect from being isolated and your self esteem destroyed, you start to withdraw from these things and let the "man" handle it. The fantasy relationship has been destroyed and now I have to wake up and be in the real world.

I wanted to also say that I did the same thing and for much longer. I was in this marriage for 28 years, and after 12 years of marriage (15 years of being together) he had his first affair, but he came back and we did counseling for a very short time and then moved out of state. Some time after that is when I started the fantasy of he is my soul mate, we have a unique connection, we were different from other couples, we had met so young and it was meant to be, I was so lucky to have found him. I used this fantasy for many many years to get me through many isolated incidents of hurt, like a teddy bear if you will. Clearly in denial of my own pain, and unrealistically bolstering my own tolerance and ability to handle it...I say this "unrealistically" beucase here I sit alone and am not feeling I can handle things so well. I guess I can tolerate pain as long as I believe I am loved and have my security, however FALSE it WAS! Maybe I should do myself the same favor now and believe in my own self love and security, fake it until I can really make it. I did it for so many years and it wasn't real and it hurt me, so it makes sense to believe in something that can be real and I can depend on MYSELF!

hey good idea fake it until we make it with ourselves.... i have live in a fantasy all my life when i was a kid the fantasy was my fam was great.. the brady bunch syndrom, i call it.. then in my teens i drank and did some drugs to block it all out.. then the visious cycle with every single boy friend two husbands and two mor boyfriend (if thts wht u call them) so for about 30 years i've been doing the same thing. it is hard to break bad habits... i read it takes 28 days to break habits... hell if i can make it 30 years with crazy making 28 days should be easy hahaha right!! hang in there u deserve to find peace hughug

I guess we do what we have to in order to survive the best we know how. 28 days to break a habit...so maybe if I focus on loving myself for 28 days I will have a good start to getting through this. I'm counting starting today!