quick run back. nearly 6 months ago i caught my BF with his ex. according to both of them they didnt have sex, but still, it was an emotional connection he lied to me about and reacted badly when i found out saying he was the only friend she had and that she was there for him. I really cared about this man, and he begged for a second chance. i have kinda given him one. we spend time together. he has changed his number and no longer talks to her, in spite of her tries. she has even stolen money from him since she knows all his information on his accounts. she tries to contact me, saying that she needs him to file her taxes. all the while messaging him telling him to enjoy the path that she led him too and that it saddens her heart that he would choose to have such insecure and disgusting people in his life over her. he still wont contact her, says its how she gets in, that she is just trying to get in again. since the incident in october, there have been no other incidents. He focuses on school, and spends time with me.

ive been stuck in the middle. because of my past, because of having been over run by narc trains... it has turned my heart cold. i dont want to be cold. i dont know how to let go of the anger. its hard for me to believe that people make mistakes sometimes. i have been very angry. and he has endured me crying. yelling, and acting crazy. he admits to his mistakes... says he was stupid and he dont even know how he started talking to her again... that he likes helping people and she presented herself as having had differences in the past but needing help now, and that she really cared for him as a friend, and that I was controlling him by not liking her and was going to hurt him. so he didnt tell me. and it turned into a bigger lie. he says he hates what happened. before this happened, we really did seem to have something special. i was generally happy. had goals in mind. saw him so differently. we had a talk the other day. he says we should have a label as just friends. he says he knows what he did, and he takes full ownership and responsibility for my feelings... but that he knows when i look at him all i see is the lie he told me. he says he is stupid and gullible... but he sees there is nothing he can do to help me past it, or help me feel better about it, because it was a horrible thing for him to do, and he didnt think of consequences. he says he doesnt want it to be like this, but that he sees my pain and knows i will continue in the cycle cause of PTSD from before, and needs to take the pressure off me.
im slightly torn right now. its true what he says. when i look at him i see the lie. i become angry. i want to tear him apart. then sometimes i look at him and i miss him. and i see the light in him i once saw... but then it becomes clouded again by anger. so tired of anger.

i dont know how to let this go so i can make a decision. it binds and bonds me. i need to be free again.
the anger keeps me. when he lied i had taken a risk with him.... and it brought up ALL the anger and resentment of my past. my full steel walls are up, my heart is cold, my emotions are numb. it makes me wonder because i thought i was over this part. even in a healthy relationship, people argue. they fight. and people do make mistakes. now what do i do? How do i defeat this in me? ive read books on letting go... gone to counseling, and none of it seems to work. i just want to be stable. calm. happy. enjoy life.

i will only be able to make a decision on him and move on to the next step in my life, if i can let go of this.
my head is not clear. i cannot make a rational decision with this anger and resentment. i seem to have this for all man in some way, that leaves me nearly unable of compromise or understanding. in a way, because of what they have done to me, i have become like them in relationships with out the deceiving. cold. unaffectionate. ready to fight if i have to. always looking for the "wrong" to happen.
even in a healthy relationship i cant be healthy like this. and he is right. he says he wants the just friends label to re learn each other... learn to respect each other again.... i havent been the best to him these past months. but i couldnt stop myself. just so angry.

any thoughts much appreciated... fighting with myself.