I didn't discover this until long after my ex and I were broken up (unfortunately) but it really helped with how I view this behavior. I realized that this was an attempt to manipulate and control me, and after really looking at it for what it was, I realized just how calculated and petty and immature this crap was every time it came floating out of my ex's mouth. One day I reached the point where you either have to laugh or cry, and I just burst out laughing. My ex and I have three children together, and we do need to talk on a fairly regular basis, but whenever his end of the conversation heads back into this passive aggressive crap, I see it for what it is and I walk away chuckling. He realizes that whatever he is trying to get out of this behavior isn't working and switches tactics.

Sometimes it still really does make me angry and hurt when my ex acts this way, but if I respond the way I used to, I am actually encouraging him to treat me this way by rewarding him with the responses that he desires. By choosing not to engage in the conversation at this level, it forces my ex to communicate differently. Initially, he would get even more ridiculous as a response - but that just switched gears for me - because I was already looking at it as being potentially comedic, it just would become more and more hilarious in my head and I'd find myself struggling (on occasion failing) not to burst into hysterical laughter.

My ex does still do this from time to time, but it is a very rare thing now. One look from me, with lips trembling to keep from grinning, and he either walks away sulking or rethinks his approach entirely and engages me in a rational conversation.

I do know that the best response would be to simply not respond at all, and I am getting much better at that as well. But when you're dealing with someone who knows all of your weak spots, who knows how to wound you badly and chooses to do so knowing what kind of hurt they are inflicting, well - sometimes a bit of creativity is required :).

I agree to not respond to it at all and blow it off. Say nice things to yourself. My ex-husband is like that. Controlled my emotions for years. Now if he throws a fit I ignore him and dont react and he does it much much less. If he sends me texts I don't like, I just don't respond and delete them. Ignoring them does work even if you have to live with him. Leave and go for a walk or something.

Hi Sunny,

My bf is similar to your husband like that. He does what I like to call jabs. I also think he is nice nasty, he tells me something with a smile or says "I was just playing.". I recently read a book called gaslighting and she talked about this as well. She suggested, and I tried, calling it on them once and then just pointing it out and walking away if they don't stop. So for example you tell your husband at a neutral time, you both are ok.... so you say you know you do this thing where you make negative comments or you put me down and I would like for it to stop because.... I am not sure how he would respond but his response is not important anyway. He heard you so you really don't have to say anymore.

So, the next time he does it you say, "there it is...there goes that thing that you do." at this point you can walk out of the room or ignore him or whatever but every time he does it you say "there it is, there goes that thing that you do." I suggest that if you can you should read the book she explains it much better than me.

I tired it...my bf does something I call sacrificial giving. He will make a plan and then when you expect him to keep...lets say cook dinner he acts like he is doing you a favor. He will say oh, I am sick but I am going to cook and then he goes around with great effort to do it... all the while you feel like crap...so you get what you wanted but with a price. So I called him on it....told him I no longer wanted it or would take anymore sacrificial giving. So when he does it I go oh, "there goes that thing that you do, no thanks I don't want that and I leave be it physically or I just stop talking." He looks stunned most of the time but for me it is very freeing.

If you keep pointing it out that it is "that thing that he does" you hear that and you will internalize that instead of what he is saying negatively about you.

Sorry that I rambled, hyped up on soda.

yes Izzy thanks for that, thats the way he does it too…little jabs. I have called him out on it but he says I am being over-sensitive etc….always my fault. He does the tit-for-tat thing too so if I call him out on anything it comes back at me with force! He will then get on at me about 'the thing I do' so you end up getting nowhere or in a constant state of throwing jabs!

He couldn't just ever say ooo do I do that?, sorry I didn't mean to… I know he would never accept anything he does is not nice…or makes life difficult for me..

For instance we have staff come to work at the house everyday in the home office. I hate it ( but I love his office workers they are lovely) but I would prefer to have my home as my home…..but if I ever say this out loud - jeeez….well, not only did his ex-wife also say the same but it made him go out of the house with the pretence of working to see his mistress to get back at his then wife !

….but I do find it difficult with people in and out all day….I wish he went out to work every day and left me in peace for ten hours!!! but he doesn't and its not going to happen.

anyway, I know I need to counteract his spite with something…

I did mention his comments over lunch today and he was shocked that I had said he made cutting and spiteful comments all week, he wanted exact references to what I meant. Times and everything…. how can I deal with that! ?

Sunny,

One thing she talked about is being able to deal with the aftermath of how he will respond. They do it and we stop doing anything because we are afraid of the response. My bf is not abusive but he will give you the silent treatment and that kills me. So now when I say there goes that thing that you do he flees the seen and I have to be still and be uncomfortable but I am no longer playing that game.

What are you afraid he will do if you stay consistent with not allowing him to say it. Are you afraid that he will cheat on you or leave, or hit you. I am not trying to get you to make things worse for yourself but rather to have options.

I think the men we date all have this in common. They are so unhappy with themselves they need to bring everyone else down. My ex did the same thing, at first it really got to me. He picked on everything. I couldn't do anything right by him. But when I confronted him about it he said that if he didn't like me he wouldn't pick on me.....I'm sorry there is fun picking and nasty picking. He once told me I wasn't that good in bed and was surprised no one else ever told me that and then later told me we had the most amazing sex life...... All the little out downs made me not want to do anything for him ever. Last week he said "you aren't a very good girlfriend," I replied "not to you, I was to other boyfriends." He called me cold and callous all the time and then when I got angry he would wonder why I was so upset he was just playing. He was never serious about anything but always had an opinion. I am so mad at myself. Why did i stay for so long....... My son cried last night because i had to tell him my ex wasn't coming back. He broke down in tears and said, I want a dad. It broke my heart.

Chancerne,

My son says that all the time as well, he father died when he was an infant. I tell my son we are not hungry, we are not thirsty...for love. I tell him you and I are the enchilada everything else is cheese on top. I had to get him to realize that if someone came into our lives or left it we would always be ok. I also tell my son that I have to decide who I will date based on whether they are good for you and me. I tell him that as a child you want what children want and then later in life you may want different things, so he does not get the final say on who I date.

Start telling your son that you and him are enough. I started telling my son that so much that now he says it to me all the time... don't act like you and him are missing anything and he will stop acting like he is missing things as well. I don't let my son choose that for himself. I tell him you can choose to feel bad about yourself or you can choose to love the good things you do have. It is hard for little boys that don't have dads and I give him his time to be sad...but I am not sad...I am not hungry for love and as he sees that in you he will begin to see it for himself.

Sunnyjax,

I think, you need to honestly speak to him about this...in a calm mature way. Tell him it hurts you (it is no rocket science to know for any man that such behaviour is hurting...still tell him). You can also see which all remarks can be ignored as silly. Anyone (including us) who wants to control is basically insecure....so have a bit of compassion for such people. So....1. Speak to him....about how it affects you..and how you need his help in this ( it will be a very fight prone discussion...you need extreme patience) 2. see what can be ignored.

Kuhu,
I don't ever lose my temper with him ( except once in two years now)…not sure why really…it won't do any good.
I have talked to him about it yesterday but he denies all the little jabs and has no idea what I am talking about - all in my head according to him!

I know now why he has started being this way all of a sudden after asking him this morning about this... - it stemmed from him trying to wake me in the night when I was asleep and getting no response…I kind of recall something vaguely like this but I wasn't aware he was trying to wake me up until he tried to enter me from behind while I was asleep - then I jumped away from him!

He is now 'punishing' me for my rejection of him in the night. And also the next morning I tried to get him to make love but he was unresponsive - also to teach me a lesson…tit-for-tat style.
He now wants to take me to bed this afternoon, when he wants to and so he has all the control on the situation…..it seems I don't get a say in this!!!

Classic manipulation.
sad.

how the heck did I get here.?!!!

Sunny... one of the most frequently quoted lines on this site is this ' The definition of insanity, is repeating the same behaviours or staying in the same situations you know are not good for you time and time again, when you already know what the outcome is '

Izzy,
You are absolutely correct. My son's father decided not to be in his life and i have to explain to him that all people have a choice and he made his, but he lives with many people who love him very much. There is this book I have read to him, i don't remember the name now but it pretty much says that all families are different and it doesn't matter if you have one parent or two, live with you grandparents or have 2 mommies they are still your family and they love you and you are special. I love it because i wanted to make sure my son understands that. He has a very stable loving family and is thriving. I think he sees his friends with their fathers and wants that. It is especially hard on fathers day. I do all the things a dad would do; teach him about sports take him to games, go to all of his sporting activities and cub scout meetings. But i can't help but feel he thinks he is missing something and it kills me.

2B - yes point taken.
x

Its all about boudaries. We teach people how to treat us. We simply say " This behavior is not OK with me" and you walk away. You do this every time they do something offensive to you and they will get the hint that you are serious. If you participate in any way you are saying some of what they are doing is ok with you. This is really hard to do and stay consistent but it really works. Good luck