Sorry guess I posted this 2× !

I can relate. I had 3 months of NC. Had a meltdown two weeks ago...thinking and crying about my ex. He called a few days later because his dad died. I have always loved him and feel their is a strong connection between us. I called him and we are now talking which probably isn't the best thing but I am not ready to let go.

Its very hard to let go I know that. It took me years of off & on with my ex before I just simply couldn't do it any more so I really do understand that !!! Just keep working on YOU no matter what :) I am just so freaked out because we have been NC for a year now. There was no contact I just KNEW something was wrong !!!! I have still not contacted him nor him me but it was truly like we were connected in our minds !!! Heck sounds crazy to me even though it happened to me lol !!!

I think the thing about unhealthy/abusive men is that at their core, they are still people and they do have good traits and qualities that make us connect with them. This is what Lundy Bancroft says about them after 15 years of face to face work with them. For most of them, it is just their underlying unhealthy views on women that are subconsciously operating that causes them to abuse us.

SO what I'm saying is...your connection with him makes perfect sense because there's so much you guys probably did and still would connect on. This is why moving on is so hard. It's the good times that we miss. It's the good things. It's how they understood us.

I have actually not had an experience like that...but like I said...he can be connected to you but still be unhealthy for you/abusive (I dont know all the details of him).

I hope what I said helps you realize in some way...we can be connected to someone but they just have this ONE problem that makes it impossible for htem to ever treat us with true lasting respect and love. Moving on is really, really, really hard and for everyone I think it's a bit different and you need to find what works for you. But things that helped in my case you may want to try: just take things slow day by day, reach out to people you know will be supportive and understanding, and read lots of books on abusive relationships. Moving on even from someone wrong for us is still a loss...allow yourself the time and space you need to grieve x

Thank you goingup. I guess basically I just have to look at this as a temporary setback that I will get over. Your right moving on is SOOOO hard !!! Iv always known we had a incredible connection but in the past I never really thought about it. It just was but we were friends or together. For it to have come out of nowhere like that was very hard to take. I guess now I know & can at least understand its there so deal with it & move on. Easier said than done but one day at a time :)

I couldn't agree with what goingup said more. The connection you had is real and the fact that the relationship didn't work out will never detract from that. But as she points out, there was something that means that it probably can't work as a loving, mutually supporting nurturing "couple" type relationship (I say that not knowing the details of your story either but if you're on this forum, it's cuz you're hurting). I'm a bit in the same boat myself, there's a powerful connection but there's that one very destructive thing and while I haven't yet gone NC, I've got one foot on the exit door at all times... I know how hard it is but eventually you do find yourself again, i.e. start to feel that your wellbeing is more important than any connection which, no matter how powerful it is, could destroy you. You start to put yourself first. Which is HEALTHY! All love requires risk and vulnerability but I'm coming to understand that there are more than one person who can be "The One" and also, that you have to be able to realize when things are getting bad for YOU and walk away. I think of myself as a work-in-progress in this sense. What's helped is remembering the powerful connections I've had in the past with other men but where things for one reason or another simply didn't work out. And at the time I always thought I would die but now when I think of them, the pain is all gone leaving room for better memories. One day at a time, just hang in there. Big hug.

Thank you TokyoRose ! I have never had a connection like this with anyone before but hopefully in time I will again ! My ex was never abusive but he is a alcoholic . Not a mean or violent one but the bar still always came first. Also he has some health issues that were made worse by the drinking & it got to a point that I just simply couldn't take it anymore. He was basicly self-destructing, & because I loved him the pain of watching it was going to take me with him. I realize I made a healthy choice by putting myself first . I thought I was doing well , have never gone this long without contacting him or allowing him to contact me but again this thing that happened a few weeks ago has really set me back big time !!! I keep thinking MAYBE he really has changed now maybe hes trying but I watched him do that over & over & over & in the end he always went back. It was so horrible to get hope & actually SEE him making progress just to then see him slip back time & time again. I honestly believe hes going to one day die in that bar :( Im trying to do more positive things for me . My biggest issue is probably that I have too much time on my hands. too much time to think . I am trying to get out more & do more things & stay busy. Not unheathly busy but just good busy :) Another factor in all this is that I have a 20 yr old cat who I also have a incredibly strong bond with & who has seen me threw everything in the last 20yrs. The week after this happened with my ex I found out hes (my cat) in heart failure. He is responding well to treatment & seems almost like himself but then I found out he has cancer too. So I will do all I can to keep him comfortable & pain free but no chemo or anything like that. So I know its only a matter of time before I loose him too. It kind of feels like im being kicked while im already down ! So you can see Im getting hit all at once at the moment. However I will get threw it ,one day ,one hour , or one min at a time !!! That's what I keep telling myself & day by day its working !

Oh boy, your ex is an alcoholic and you've seen him make progress and then slip back again and again – that's just heartbreaking. I really feel for you. My guy has the same self-destructive compulsion: he was a full-on alcoholic for a long time until he got Hep C, and though he got off the booze he then turned to coke. I've only been with him for a year but I know it was hell for the mother of his daughter as well as for his family. And yet in 30 years of wild behaviour he has never missed a day's work, and he is the sweetest guy you could ever hope to meet... People aren't addicts or alcoholics because they are "bad" or selfish or lacking in self-control, they are addicts because their brains are wired that way. It's a disease in that sense. And you can't love someone into sobriety any more than you can love a cancer patient into remission — this much I've learned.

Anyway I’ve gone through the whole long painful rigamarole of “this man needs my love” to “can I watch this man self-destruct.” He's trying hard to quit right now but the chance for relapse is SO high. Like you, I realize that my love for him can drag me down with him and so I'm in the process of learning to dissociate while still trying to be supportive. And I know that I may well just have to walk one day, and that knowledge is painful too.

But here, quite aside from any question of trying to help someone I love who’s in pain (which is an entirely human response), quite aside from the very real connection we have (laughing, seeing eye-to-eye, feeling like each knows what the other is thinking, etc.), there’s the deeper and far more difficult question of why I feel the need to “save” someone who’s such a hard case — someone whose enslavement to a drug makes them the ultimate unavailable man. I've come to believe that when we feel these really strong connections to other people, it's because that person represents or triggers something that we need to learn about ourselves. In my case, I wonder if my stubborn desire to "help" him is just ego, a saviour complex? Or is it because my "template" for male affection was shaped by my workaholic (= unavailable) father? Or is it the classic woman-who-loves-too-much scenario of wanting to earn someone’s undying love by “being there” for them in their hour of need? In which case you're trying to get your own needs met (trying to make up for the love you didn't get as a kid). I’ve had a lot of questions for myself these past few months and while I’m still a ways from getting any clear answers, I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.