Just thought I would share about my family get together last night.

So to catch you up my mother and father have always been emotionally unavailable as they cannot even say they love me out loud, just on birthday cards etc.. My father can also be VERY critical and mean at times verbally. My mother just goes along with him and tries to gloss over his behavior. So as you can imagine her two sisters are also a bit crazy. But my cousin just had twins in November and she was out visiting with them and most of the family was going to get together.

I really wanted to go and see the CUTE little babies. However, I wanted to avoid some of the family. So my two kids joined me and we started the one hour drive to meet them all.

The first thing that happened to get me on edge was how my mother had called and told me that SHE had arranged for everyone to meet us mid-way. This meant yet another dinner meeting where I might get stuck at the end of the table opposite the babies and near good old mom and pop. I was angry! So I told her that I had planned all along to go to my Aunts house where the babies would be and visit them. I did not need everyone to meet me mid-way. So then she said "they won't be there for several hours, so you could come over to where we are staying and visit until they get back?" I thought to myself "here is my chance to not go along with what she wants me to do and do what I wanted to do. So I told her NO, I would be stopping by a few stores first and then meet her at my aunts house. I could tell she was not pleased but I did not care. I was developing an attitude already!!

So after my kids and I enjoyed a little shopping we headed for my aunts house. When we got there everyone was there. My mother was the first to greet me at the door. I reluctantly hugged her. Then my cousin was there and handed me the most precious baby to hold. I was comfortable. I was happy. I let my guard down and just enjoyed every moment I got to spend with my whole family. It was one of the best visits I have had in such a long time.

So we went to dinner and but of course I ended up at the end of the table next to dear old mom and dad. But they were both so happy that they were actually a pleasure to be around. My mother started telling me moments she remembered that touched her heart when I was little. I did not remember them. But as I looked at her I could see the tenderness that rarely ever shows it's face. She was remembering very touching moments in her life that involved ME. Hearing this made me sad for her. She just did not know how to ever allow herself to open up and bond with her children. All I ever wanted was to feel like she loved me and I never felt like I even knew who she was.

What I thought about was that deep down in a lot of us who come from terrible childhoods is a compassionate loving person. We genuinely have such large hearts and really want to connect with others, it's just too scary for some of us to ever come out of our shell. She was able to peer through a crack last night and I saw a beautiful woman who wished she had done better I know.

And after reading ART's article yesterday all about childhood problems, I was checking out my cousin and her babies. I could see that she favored the little girl. The little boy was left to cry and scream before my aunt and uncle scooped him up and calmed him down. But if the little girl started crying mom was right there to hold her. I also noticed that her older daughter (now 9) was now being held accountable for watching out for her brother and sister. She was now a caretaker. She was becoming invisible. It was all about the babies. I also noticed how my cousin was tired and a little overwhelmed just going through the motions of caring for the babies yet not really loving and coddling them. Don't get me wrong she is a wonderful mother I am just not sure that she too might not know how to be fully vulnerable.

So overall it was a wonderful visit. I am lucky to have the family I do, even if they are all screwed up!

And if I allow myself to just go with the flow of life, sometimes it will surprise me with wonderful heartfelt memories. : )