This weekend I went to play golf with my hubby. We thought maybe we could try to be friends. Well what I discovered is that I don't really enjoy him as a friend.

When I discarded the thoughts of us being husband and wife and all that goes along with that and just thought of him as a friend, I was able to see that I don't really enjoy him. He is very selfish and self absorbed. He smokes a lot and I do not and he takes poor care of himself. Instead of a nice healthy sandwhich at the turn of 9 holes he chose to have a couple beers. And he did not pay much attention to my game or the other two guys that we were paired up with. It seemed to be all about him.

Then when I went over to my girlfriends house and was telling her about him, she said I was very consumed with his actions and should only be consumed with my own. But it all made me think that I really really don't like him and what am I really trying to do here?

I think what it is is that I am trying to avoid my fears of making it on my own. I think that life will be simpler and easier if I am with him. But I am realizing that I will be miserable if I go back to him because he has done NOTHING to change his part of the relationship.

He just still blames me for everything and wants me to feel sorry for him because he is carrying most of the financial load. The guy makes 85% more than I do and he makes 6 figures. He is complaining to me! The one in poverty! Does he really think I could feel sorry for him?

I think he just wants to make me feel like shit. He has always done that. Well I am not falling for it so much these days. We got into a financial argument after the golf once again and instead of continuing the argument I got in my own car which I drove there to keep myself safe and left! I called him on my cell phone and told him I was sorry that I left abruptly but I no longer wish to engage in harmful conversations. YAY me.