Hugs to you ncodamom, we all have really bad days like you are having. The cognative dissonance is through the roof ( these N's defy any logical fathoming out, you cant fathom Dark Souls - FACT!). There is nothing wrong with you, and everything wrong with him..... we WWLTM have an addiction to abusive and pathologically narcissistic men . Today, try and think of him as a 'substance' which was toxic to your soul and which if you had continued ( like heroin?) would have eaten away at you until you were a shell of your authentic self and he would still have walked away even after taking you through the gates of Hell on a free pass, visit & tour c0-hosted by Satan and himsekf!!
If you have a Blessings Book, sit quietly and in between the tears, try and write down some of your many blessings, stay in the milli-second if thats all can manage, and if you have a mantra say it as often as you can today. Breathe , be very gentle with yourself and take baby steps. God Bless, ((((hug)))) 2butterfly

Just remember, it's not you it's him. And be rest assured, she will suffer your fate. I have read many books on Narcs, and one common fact about them is that they are *incapable of change*. This has been proven by what I have seen on these boards. There have been many stories about feeling worthless compared to the other woman, only to find out months later that he has started cheating on her, abusing her, etc. The problem is HIM. There is *nothing* you could ever do to change him and how he treated you is his fault. It has more to do with how he views women in general, than you specifically.

Be rest assured, once the honeymoon is over, she will experience just what you have. And again, it's not about her or you. It's about him.

I know all the feelings that you describe. The feeling of worthlessness, the feeling that he chose another woman because she's somehow better than me (prettier, sexier, better in bed, etc.), the questions why he's not normal, why I'm not enough for him, what I could have done better etc.
The truth is that we did nothing wrong, apart from looking for love in the wrong place. As 2butterfly said, we're addicted to these men, we're addicted to those who bring us emotional pain and we reject the good guys because they seem boring. If we don't start nurturing ourselves and taking care of ourselves, we will be stuck on these unavailable men.

We all have dark days......tomorrow is another day ,hopefully better ,try and meditate ....that helps me!!
Please there is nothing wrong with you ,it is HIM !!!, he has the problem ...
I wish I could say more to comfort you ,other than this feeling will pass and it is healthy ,embrace it and move onto the next day !!!
Christmas is always so difficult ,stay strong and hugs xxxxx

You all can't imagine how much your responses are helping me. I'm looking forward to the day that I can offer the same. I seem to need constant reminders that he will never change and is a narc. I have even talked myself into believing that he may just be a dog and not a narc. Therefore he would be capable of change, smh.
I am also realizing thatI am taking total responsibility for everything that happened in the relationship and how it ended up. I realize that I blamed myself if he wasn't happy, if he was suicidal, if he felt like he was alone, if he felt lie a failure.....i thought it was my job to fix that To make him feel better. Smh. I must let go. But it hurts...

I feel the same nccodamom, I know he is not good for me, but I crave to hear from him. I am new to all this, I just discovered the book and am towards the end. I looked for a support group here in OKC, but there are none and so I have landed here. If I could just cut him out of my life, if I just was stronger to not contact him, or answer his texts. I wish I was good enough for him. I wish he loved me like he said he did, but never showed. I wish I could forget how he made me feel.

Welcome to the group e7emt...support is limited all over the world,we seem to be the forgotten ones,I think people who are not in our situation just think "well why don't you just walk away"...and probably like you I feel ashamed at how I feel and behave ,in all other aspects my life ,work ,family ,friends etc is fine !!! I have worked hard to have a career,bring up two young girls BUT my love life is a car crash .......and it killing me !!
I have no answers ,I just know this site and the wonderful ladies on here have been my saviours ...I am not sure we completely heal ,but surely recognising is part of the way ...big hugs and keep coming on here ,even just to vent !!!
No one ever judges you because at one point one of us or even all of us have felt the same xxxx

Welcome e7emt! I am 8 days no contact and not even 1 month after the break up. I am still learning how to think diferrently. like 2butterfly said, at this point cognitive dissonance is through the roof. All you are feeling isto be expected now i guess. it just hurts so badly!
clarity75, I agree! So many people are just telling me to move on, forget about him, he wasa creep, you should be happy. But it its not that simple. How do you tell and explain to people that you are going through Ptsd like symptoms from a relationship?! That is why I love this group. They get it. They get me. And we get you e7emt. We are here for you :)

I am still not even at no contact (btw, what is N?) He contacted me today and we talked. He wants to just be friends and even still, I crave for him to just say something nice. I tried to cut off contact but I was more miserable then, than just having contact with him. He lives about 3 hours from here so we dont see each other. He has mentioned getting with me once more, but I told him that I did not think we would ever see each other again. I just know he knows I dont mean it, but at least it felt good to say it. I wish this feeling could just bleed to death, because it is sure not something I can just cut off. And if it will bleed to death, I wonder how long it will take. Habit: I think of someone else I could fall for so it would take my mind off this one. It is how I have spent my life. I wish I could be happy by myself, but at this point, I would be lying if I said that it is something I can even comprehend. I just take it one day at a time and feel so grateful I have found this group.

I think many of you ladies are much stronger than you think. I have been unable to leave my relationship, despite it being on the brink of complete failure. He usually says things like "I am not good enough for you." and then I repeat the vicious cycle of pumping up his self-esteem with tons of flattery. Even with living with him, he doesn't answer my calls or texts. I am nearly in tears at work and feel at the point of just breaking down. I have no family here where I live, just an ex-husband.

I just don't know how to gather the courage and simply leave. Why does our self-esteem seem to dwindle or completely leave when we need it the most?

Heathrs9, I didn't leave voluntarily. I was told that Ewe had already broke up 3 months ago as I was standing in front of his new victim that was spending the weekend with him! Had no idea about either. DoI didn't have the strength to leave either, I was left and forced into recovery. And though it didn't feel like it art the time, I am really beginning to think that it was the best thing he ever did fire me..... LEAVE!! It will happen. And when it does we'll be here for you :-)

I didn't leave either. I'm not NC. I'm taking my baby steps though and maybe someday I will find strength to leave.