Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Where do I begin......I found this site maybe 8 months ago and it helped me get away from my BF. I was strong for about 1 month. One drunken lonely night I text him and started up the vicious nasty cycle again. My story is the same as so many of yours, they love us want us but when they have us they don't respect us and push us away. My cycle lasts about 2 weeks on average. He's great for a week or so and then I start to see him change. I feel like I’ve become numb to it. I just don't care anymore.
This time is different. His mother is dying of cancer and the docs gave her 2 weeks to 2 months to live. He text me Monday morning saying he's gonna push me away, he needs to do this alone and he doesn't want to lean on me or bother me....... How do you respond to that???? So I've left him be. We have text once a day since and that's it. Him telling me he's thinking about me. The way I see it, if he LOVES me so much then why push me away when you need me the most?? I am so torn; I’ve had it with him. I want out. But obviously this is not the best time and I don't know when will be... right after his mom passes and then I’m the heartless GF who dumps her BF after he loses his mom??? It's only going to get worse and I am going to lose more of my life to him. I've wasted 1.5 years with him. I think that long enough........
I don’t know if you can tell but I’m angry! I’m mad I didn’t end this when I had the chance. I hadn’t spoken to him for a month…. I could be in happy relationship right now….. Instead I’m wondering when the next time I’m gonna hear from my BF is or even if he is my BF again. I hope you don’t think I’m heartless because of this. I just needed to vent and wanted some advice because I honestly have no clue what to do. If this was the first time I won’t worry so much but it’s not. As a matter of fact it’s been this way since we started dating and before his mom had cancer. It seems like something that should be the easiest thing to do: find love, is the hardest!
This time is different. His mother is dying of cancer and the docs gave her 2 weeks to 2 months to live. He text me Monday morning saying he's gonna push me away, he needs to do this alone and he doesn't want to lean on me or bother me....... How do you respond to that???? So I've left him be. We have text once a day since and that's it. Him telling me he's thinking about me. The way I see it, if he LOVES me so much then why push me away when you need me the most?? I am so torn; I’ve had it with him. I want out. But obviously this is not the best time and I don't know when will be... right after his mom passes and then I’m the heartless GF who dumps her BF after he loses his mom??? It's only going to get worse and I am going to lose more of my life to him. I've wasted 1.5 years with him. I think that long enough........
I don’t know if you can tell but I’m angry! I’m mad I didn’t end this when I had the chance. I hadn’t spoken to him for a month…. I could be in happy relationship right now….. Instead I’m wondering when the next time I’m gonna hear from my BF is or even if he is my BF again. I hope you don’t think I’m heartless because of this. I just needed to vent and wanted some advice because I honestly have no clue what to do. If this was the first time I won’t worry so much but it’s not. As a matter of fact it’s been this way since we started dating and before his mom had cancer. It seems like something that should be the easiest thing to do: find love, is the hardest!
my guess is you really don't want advice. permission perhaps but not advice. you know what to do. and yes it is okay. now that he's pushing you away and has told you so it could be a normal natural breaking point for you to just scoop up yourself and move on for good.
you know the deal. you know what's required. you know it's gonna hurt like hell. you know you're gonna struggle. you might be mad at something but i seriously doubt that means your ready to jump off the cliff's edge right now. it sounds to me like you're still in it.
these are my words.....THERE WILL NEVER BE A GOOD TIME TO LEAVE! period. you can leave now or in another year and a half after his mom has passed away and he's in another crisis. or perhaps she will not pass away in two months. wait it out or not you have to take responsibility for YOUR own life. you are showing him pity by staying not love.you are in the codependent dance with him/cycle/pattern whatever you want to call it. let us know the moment you make the conscious choice to step off the merry go round.
taking care of yourself is not heartless. come on, you can do this. you know what to do. we're here for you all the way....it's good you're back....no matter what stick around this time. work through it here. your thinking is not sound right now, your brain cannot be trusted to have your best interest at heart. we will watch over you until you can do that for yourself.........
what he has said is twisted and manipulative and tries to put him in a good light but it is honest. he has given you all the information that you need to move on. he basically said i am not your boyfriend nor will i be in the forseeable future. maya angelou was the one who said when a man tells you who he is, listen!
it's harder for you to move on b/c he's not willing to stand up and say NO!! directly. b/c he's playing with you and you're letting him. he's an assclown for sure. serioulsy he's using his sick mom dying with cancer as an excuse to "push away" from you???? that is so twisted. the translation is, i am not your boyfriend nor will i be in the forseeable future but i'm not decent enough to tell you to get lost so i put all the responsibility and self heartbreak back on you!! i don't care enough about you to give you the respect to tell you that it's over.
if i were you i would re read what you've written in this post both times and try to see between the lines of his cowardly games!!!!! he doesn't really want it both ways he has told you he doesn't even want to put in the time or the energy into your relationship so he's already out. he is just using his sick mother as an excuse to "push you away" pathetic jerk.
wow. i'm sorry. i don't usually judge these guys so much or feel that strongly about any other woman's break up but this guy is really being a pathetic prick to you and to his mom. zero respect. zero accountability. i hope you walk NOW! he's just not that into you. that is the part that hurts so much!!!!! he is manipulating you, i hope you see through it!!!!
He tells me to pretty much stay away and i do and then last night asks why i didn't invite him over....... WHAT THE HELL!!!! Get yur shit straight!!! Sorry for my language.
is there anything any of us can say to you to show you that he is USING YOU!? and if he's using his dying mom it's not above him to use you.
he will never get his shit straight and that is your mistake waiting for him to. i don't think you get it yet. that's not a criticism i just don't think you've had a moment of clarity yet. i say this b/c the way you have written this tells me that you are not getting it down deep in your heart. you get in your head from your family and friends that you should walk away but you are not getting it down deep in your heart that he is using the shit out of you and playing with you. doesn't that make you mad???? but then you expect him to change still. .read more fro baggagereclaim.com and educate yourself.....
let us know whenever you're ready to cut the ties, take your life back and go no contact. it's very painful but possible for all of us. keep talking if you think it will help you get clear or i'm wrong please say that too.....we're here for you i just don't think you're done yet.
if you want to be strong start doing things in your life that make you feel good about yourself and then keep doing them. as much as and as often as you can. what are you hobbies?? interests??? how can you build mastery or competency in those areas?? like to cook?? perhaps you only make things from scratch. like to run ?maybe set a goal for yourself and sign up for a 5 k or train for 1/2 marathon. do you go to school? work???
there are lots and lots of things you can do start doing, resume doing or start again that will make you feel good about yourself. and in doing so you will be actively, proactively making yourself strong......
maybe i'll write a thread on this mastery idea.....we learn self esteem by accoomplishing something. set your course for improved self esteem and go for it, you will get strong enough to leave.
having said all of that many of us come here very weak in the knees, nauseas, broken, exhausted and humiliated. we still have to act even though we are the opposite of strong. waiting to leave him until you get strong is a choice. and that's a fine choice but just be aware that you are choosing that route. it is not necessary to be strong to leave an unhealthy relationship. i was so pathetic and broken and humiliated and beaten down to the core and i still had to just close my eyes and take a deep breath and leap. i still had to leave him just when i thought i never could.
just be aware......of your choices......and if you choose to get strong first then actively do so please don't sit around and wait for that to happen b/c you will not be taking your life back you will be a victim. you will lose your strength even more......
The only way is for you to block him. I know it's hard but it has to been done. Other wise you will continue to slip into darkness. He loves it when you tell him "you need strength to walk away", that's enough supply for him to live off.
Been there, done that. It ended just like these women on the board would advise me...BADLY. When I look back on it now, I kept the door open for him to contact me because I wanted the dance. I wanted him to hoover so I left a crack. Let me tell you what the crack cost me
Joining this support group
Going to Co-dependency meetings
Alonon meetings
EA meetings
When I didn't close the crack up after that I ended up in:
Therapy from a licensed psychoanalyst
EMDR treatment.
When he got through with me I couldn't keep food on my stomach.
My point is, it never gets better only worst. So I send you hugs because I know its hard, but you wont regret it. It's not enough to not contact him. Close all the window and cracks from him contacting you
Best wishes