Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I saw this topic posted on another DS group site and thought it sounded interesting...What red flags did you see? Within a few days of meeting XN I learned that he hadn't spoken to his mother in 30 years,that even though he was 59 years old, he said no, he had never been in love...married for 30+ years(divorced) but never in love and,in an almost bragging way, had taken his wife and the woman he was having an affair with, on a trip to Paris. This wasn't exactly true..I found out later,on my own, that they had all been part of a group tour but even so...WHAT RED FLAGS DID YOU SEE?
Red flags, let's see ....
Telling the same stories over and over and facts change
Spending money at the bar like it's water
Totally and cruelly dissing his ex to me and his kids (who live with her)
Throwing his McDonald's trash out the car window
Letting his 11 year old daughter drink and his 7 year old son chew
Little eye contact
My calling him on a tiny little thing and him going absolutely ballistic
Those are some that I remember in the first month. We were together for almost 2 years. And the shit got deeper and stinkier!
We met at a 5 day camping music festival. He approached me. Within 10 minutes of meeting, he told me that he was at the festival with his 2 year old daughter and her mother. He told me that they had just officially broken up the DAY BEFORE. He said it was a long time coming, and that at the end of the summer, he was going to move out. (Red flag #1)
That same night, he told me that he was divorced (from his ex before his child's mother) and that, "for some reason" his relationships never lasted more than 2 years. (Red flag #2)
((Incidentally, our relationship lasted EXACTLY 2 years... to the day.))
We spent the entire weekend together at the festival, he was extremely high on a cocktail of drugs the entire time, and drank beer like water. (Red flag #3)
When I asked questions about the nature of his relationship with his mother's child, he told me that they had been on the rocks for at least a year, and that they barely ever had sex. So, to make up for the lack of sex, he had been regularly sleeping with a female friend of his for 6 months. He didn't think of it as "cheating," because it was purely sex and they didn't have any intentions of taking it any further. (Red flag #4)
A couple of weeks after we met, he came to visit me for a week and a half. One day, the mother of his child called. He went outside to take the call. I was NOT eavesdropping; I was in my bedroom straightening up, and the window was next to the porch. I overheard him telling her LIES about what he was doing and who he was staying with. His story was that he was staying at an old high school buddies house and had rented a bicycle and had been biking around the city, checking things out. LIE! When I confronted him about it, he said that while he and his ex had split, it was "too soon" to let her know he was seeing someone else. (Red flag #5)
((Oh, and it turned out that he and his mother's child had NEVER broken up. They were still sleeping together and were going to couple's therapy in an attempt to save their relationship. I found this out after I was 6 months in.))
The list could go on... But the red flags were there immediately. I ignored them all because I was blinded by love, and because I was convinced I had found my "soul mate." Ughhhh.
Ok, let's call this guy Paul. So, Paul's whole game was that he doesn't have game. He used his "lack of intelligence" and "lack of good looks" to lure women in. He asked me out to dinner, initially. Then, one late night text, he asked if I wanted to get a room with him at a hotel instead of dinnder (red flag 1). Paul was in the process of a divorce and even though I was separated, I hadn't begun my divorce (red flag 2). Paul and I eventually went out (not to the hotel girls), and he spent the entire time dogging his STBE wife and telling me how awful she was to him (red flag 3). He talked on and on about how much money he spent on her, bought her a ten thousand dollar diamond necklace (keep in mind he used to be a farmer), bought her new cars every year, took her on fancy vacations (red flag 4, I love to spend money on women and spin tales). We were on a date for about ten hours and I swear to you, he spent the entire ten hours talking about himself (even during the movie- red flag 5). Fast forward a bit to keep this post from becoming a novel. He was "falling" for me within two days (red flag 6). He was going to be there for me forever, no matter what (red flag 7). He was loyal, just ask all his friends (red flag 8). He NEVER told lies (red flag 9). He was going to pay for my divorce, after he finished with his (red flag 10). I was the best thing to ever happen to him (red flag 11). I was only the second woman he'd ever been with (red flag 12, this guy was 43 years old). He hadn't had sex with his wife for a year and a half (then later told me it hadn't been for four years, red flag 13). He was never going to get married again, but "Why don't we just go to Vegas and get married?" (red flag 14). He was done raising his kids, he'd never have kids again, he didn't want that drama, but I have four young kids (major, major red flag 15). This was all within one week of being with this guy. Oh, and lest we forget red flag 16 (a narc trademark) I was emotionally a wreck after having just spent 9 years with Mr. DSM4 textbook Narc and was lonely, feeling horrible about myself, thought nobody would ever want me again, and wanted a divorce more than anything in the world. I was a narcissist's dream come true at that point in my life.
Luckily, for me, when Paul moved into my life, I had already learned that my exhusband is a narcissist. I had read hours worth of information about narcs, what they say, what they do, the different types, who the target, etc, etc,. When Paul started exhibiting these behaviors (which, I may mention, all of the above weren't real red flags until Paul flipped a switch one time and started acting like my exhusband-cold, cruel, and verbally abusive), but nonetheless, I recognized what he was. He ended up being the one to end our "relationship" ultimately because I confronted him about his behavior (narcissistic injury). But, because I knew he was a narc, and I knew he'd always be that way, and I knew if I stayed with him or pursued him, things would only get worse, it made it so much easier to handle the break up. I didn't take it personally, even when he started telling people he "dumped" me because I was too bossy. So you see ladies, knowledge really is power!
He said he wanted to move in with me the day after he met me. He was a misanthrope and referred to people as 'humans'. He claimed to have psychic powers and could see 'rainbows' around people at times. The night I met him he tried to put his hands down my pants. He was always pressuring me for phone sex. He said he was 'addicted' to masturbation. He treated his mother horribly. He founded a gang in his youth. He was in many fights when he was younger. He ALWAYS talked only about himself.
Unfortunately I was too young and naive to run in the other direction. I seriously believed all he needed was 'a little love'. Now I am learning my lesson.