Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Its hard, difficult and painful.
I have been co-dependent most of my life.
I am slowly coming to realise that it has been me all along, not them. ME.
This has come to light by me finding my old diaries from my first Husband - I listed reasons for us not to be together - he makes me feel like I am tagging along, he makes me feel like I am stupid, he makes me feel unwanted ( he made me sleep in the spare room when I was pregnant as I was repulsive to him) he makes me feel so lonely. Why am I stronger when I am alone….it goes on….
Although I do feel that maybe it was down to a bad combination also as with my second Husband I was happy and strong and I had lots of support and encouragement from him and still do. I had made a decision to not choose a man in the same way I had before - love, lust and laughs. but to make a sensible and practical choice. And be strong and assert my needs. This worked well for me. But I don't think I loved him, I certainly didn't fancy him after a year or two. and we parted. An artist and an accountant….?!! But I digress.
I now have a therapist.
I am very sad I have wasted so much of my life feeling like this. Mostly fear in some form.
Fear of not being loved, fear of being abandoned, fear of not being interesting enough or funny enough or sexy enough. Fear is crippling and it has crippled me.
I want it no more.
And I have started to try and help myself.
I already feel better.
i am taking more care of myself and I have detached from him somewhat and no longer question, why the hell does he do things to hurt me all the time?!
I no longer fear upsetting him.
I have my wobbles but I am holding firm.
I can see the solution starts and ends with me.
I am the only one who can help me with this.
I think Im going to be ok.
x
I have been co-dependent most of my life.
I am slowly coming to realise that it has been me all along, not them. ME.
This has come to light by me finding my old diaries from my first Husband - I listed reasons for us not to be together - he makes me feel like I am tagging along, he makes me feel like I am stupid, he makes me feel unwanted ( he made me sleep in the spare room when I was pregnant as I was repulsive to him) he makes me feel so lonely. Why am I stronger when I am alone….it goes on….
Although I do feel that maybe it was down to a bad combination also as with my second Husband I was happy and strong and I had lots of support and encouragement from him and still do. I had made a decision to not choose a man in the same way I had before - love, lust and laughs. but to make a sensible and practical choice. And be strong and assert my needs. This worked well for me. But I don't think I loved him, I certainly didn't fancy him after a year or two. and we parted. An artist and an accountant….?!! But I digress.
I now have a therapist.
I am very sad I have wasted so much of my life feeling like this. Mostly fear in some form.
Fear of not being loved, fear of being abandoned, fear of not being interesting enough or funny enough or sexy enough. Fear is crippling and it has crippled me.
I want it no more.
And I have started to try and help myself.
I already feel better.
i am taking more care of myself and I have detached from him somewhat and no longer question, why the hell does he do things to hurt me all the time?!
I no longer fear upsetting him.
I have my wobbles but I am holding firm.
I can see the solution starts and ends with me.
I am the only one who can help me with this.
I think Im going to be ok.
x
it's with us that we choose and stay with men like that...
I am coping better. Especially having detached from him somewhat. Its a slow process but I can see and feel whats happening now.
I read some advice about detachment, that to imagine they are your friend or colleague rather than your partner. It makes you take a step back and not take everything so personally. It has worked for me.
I am treating my husband with more respect and I am not so critical and forever agonising over 'why?' all the time.
I still haven't told him about my therapist though.
x
?!!!
here's what i can tell you about bpd. mostly women who have a biologically thin skin who grew up in an invalidating environment can develop traits of bpd. i believe most of wwltm have traits of bpd. that is not to diagnose anyone with it. my own traits feel like INTENSITY galore. like it's too painful to even make it. we get emotionally dysregulated easily under stress. we have trouble in interpersonal relationships and we typically don't handle stress especially relationship related stress very well. it's incredibly painful.
the good news??? EVERYONE who has bpd whether it's full blown disorder or traits can get better now!!! thanks to DBT. that's the magic. i've posted a lot about it b/c i'm in DBT therapy and it's changed my life. my ptsd and anxiety was through the roof when i got there and then i learned that i was emotionally dysregulated and that's why i felt so shitty. 80% return to health rate. i have suggested the book numerous times....if you're interested let me know and i'll post it again.
you don't need to tell him you are in therapy. you are not doing anything wrong. you are allowed your privacy and in fact until you on your feet i wouldn't if i were you....he has the potential to shame you into stopping and you really need this support right now.
as far as full blown bpd there is often a self harm component and a history of suicide attempts or suicidality. there is this INTENSE fear about rejection and abandonment that triggers behavior that looks really clingy but then the next moment in extreme anxiety about abandonment pushes people away. it's a panic reaction that the rejection is coming. there is a real sense of emptiness i've heard like an empty shell of a person b/c identity problems are prevalent.
bpd carries a huge stigma with it still. they used to believe that it is incurable and the worst of the personality disorders which just isn't so. marsha linehan turned that on it's ear. sometimes even therapists would treat them differently and not want to have them as clients b/c of what we've been taught in school.
be careful of all of these forums though. learning about codependency is great. learning about wwltm is awesome but we all come with our own baggage and biases.... stick with your therapist if you trust her. if you don't trust her get a new one. i know for sure we all care about you.....
see for yourself if you think you have bpd. and fret not if you do....it's no longer a death sentence. i've met a lot of people in my dbt that have full blown bpd and they are getting way better. DBT is the answer that much i know for sure just b/c i've been in therapy my entire adult life and nothing has changed me like this therapy. my own bpd traits have improved 10 fold. i no longer think in extremes or polarized. well i still do but i can change it now.....
by the way the workbook i'm referring to would help any single person on the planet it's not just for bpd. the founder had extreme self harm and suicidal behavior as a kid. she grew up into a psychologist and started researching effective happy well adjusted people and all of the skills she teaches us are based on years and years of research on what makes people effective in life. people with bpd and traits can learn how to be effective too. it's just that we still have thin skin we are still sensitive so it takes a little longer to desensitize.
((((((((((((((((Sunny)))))))))))))))))))) you're getting it! i'm super proud. i feel like you've finally moved off your mark into proactive work. you are in therapy you are reaching out and researching stuff now. you are learning that the suffering lies within you based on your choices......good for you sister!!!!!
My last husband had BPD and three suicide attempts in two years, and more prior to me swooping in to attempt to fix him….! So I know what it is to live with. He had been diagnosed about 2 years before we got together and had an ongoing programme of support with it. He wouldn't do DBT but he did try and die a few times.
So classic Co-D from me there. I was also his full-time carer. If ever I went out of the house, there was some sort of self-harming and suicide attempts on occasion. It was frankly a nightmare. And I knew this man for 5 years before we were a couple and I had no idea. Until I had moved in.
anyway, thats all behind me., but still with me if you know what I mean.
I feel so much better, more grounded somehow.
I would be interested in the workbook but I would get to it when my therapist funds run out. It is expensive over here, its £40 a week. So I only have 12 sessions worth of funds at the moment.
But its a start!
The co-D for Dummies book has been good too though.
Thanks Finn, luvs ya! xxx
http://www.amazon.com/Training-Treating-Borderline-Personality-Disorder/dp/0898620341/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1391281333&sr=8-3&keywords=dialectical+behavior+therapy