I have been there and it really ducks! I am sorry you are struggling. Sending you lots of love and prayers that you find your rope. You deserve so much better!

i have been getting into my poetry again lately and have watched poetic movies... it seems to me that most (if not everyone of us on this site) are very poetic.... if you break down the discussions on here the wrtings are very poetic... I hope you don't mind i broke your writing up to show you what I mean..needs some tweaking but here it is...

skimmed through my journals from the past four years
It was a little depressing
made me realize after a dream
i am not processing information correctly

things that happen that get me disgruntled
keep circulating in my mind
even little things that didnt use to matter

my present is my past
emotionally wise, i am a mess
a bundle of old emotions i would love to let go of

ive prayed, ive meditated, ive tried everything
oh i wish i could try anything new, anything

i cant live like this
this has to stop
this is eating away the precious moments of my life

i think positive
i read quotes
fill my mind with positive things. this has to stop...

i should be enjoying things again
maybe i should just drug myself up with pharmacuticals...
this is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous

im smarter than this
im better than this
im MORE than this

feeling as if I am reclusing into myself no matter how hard i fight it
too much has happened to me....
but i refuse to give up

i feel i have no ground to fight on
thrown down a well
beat on the walls all i want and try to climb
keep falling to no avail
jeesh someone throw me a rope

Ha thats a really good poetry excersise. i havent been able to write much as of late. thanks. you made me smile. ive really gotten into spoken word lately. andrea gibson is my favorite.

you should you tube her, look for photograph, thats one of my favorites.

i erased all of my journal entries and/or tore them up (the physical ones) so i could start fresh.

Dracona good evening. Have you heard of tolle; you should search him in YouTube.there is a video finding your life's purpose or something like that.he claims that we are not just our thoughts and if we manage to stop them for even some seconds we can feel more alive calm and creative.I have tried it myself and for the few secs that there is blank in my mind I feel relieved relaxed.it gives me strength to continue with new strength whatever shows up.it is about an hour and a half but I totally recommend it:)with love..

I think that this is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGPYWGR9yGg

Okay--here's the rope Dracona.
It is okay to take anti-depressants to get your life back on track ('back' even period) and even out your senses and emotions for a while. I am a spiritual person who believes in doing the work through therapy, reading, investigation but honestly, I took Celexa (which is a good and tame SRI--20 mg) for a year and a half four years ago and for another six months in the middle of my disastrous last relationship. I will tell you that I had tried EVERYTHING (every kind of traditional and whacked out therapy out there + vitamins, exercise, new activities, etc., etc.). There is some depression in my family. I am full of emotion and I have to work hard to not go into a low place--it's my chemistry. I was so tired of feeling NOT good and my doctor convinced me to try it for a bit, just to get back on track. IT WAS A FUCKING GODSEND. It was not easy to start it or to come off of it (when I felt stable in my life again) but if you do it, stick it out, 2-3 months later, you begin to feel better, six months later, you have less to no anxiety and a bounce in your step. I discovered happiness this way--what it feels like to have prolonged happiness all day long, day after day. I still felt, I cried, I emoted but I was able to live and not fret, over-analyze, etc. It did lower my sex drive and I did start to after one year notice that I had put on about 5 lbs. I went off for these two reasons AND because I did feel like I had discovered new pathways in my brain that I could hopefully imitate once I was off. The second time I was just fucking desperate but less committed--I knew that the problem this time was not me but the man and the relationship.
I am off and have been for six months. I feel happy again. I continue to work on myself.
Do not feel shame about needing a break from sadness and anxiety. It is absolutely life-stealing. Take this advice from a woman who is anti-pharmaceuticals, anti-doctors.
Best.

tolle, ill check that guy out.

Thanks creo.. :)
see i have taken them before... and it never really helped much but made me feel wierd also right now i dont have the medical. cause when this stuff gets bad im like put me on something, anything.... just help me. there are those times. if i had the medical, but im just bareley over the medium to qualify for assistance, and with teh recent financial strain of losing my child support, well... yah. not like i see myself getting a medical plan anytime soon. otherwise i might try it. im working with a therapist who is going to teach me EFT tapping, which i guess is similar to EMDR. i hope it helps. cause you are right. this is life stealing. and its to the point it is robbing me of myself and my success.

just be thankful you don't have manic depression.

Dracona you are so strong...I understand the pain and the confusion...I also went on anti-deps for a few years awhile back and they helped me a great deal....but I believe you can find your way out of depression without them if you must...

Here's another rope for you...its an amazing little book recommended to me by a therapist...terrible title with amazing information...about learning how to change our minds..

FEELING GOOD, the new mood therapy, a clinically proven drug free treatment for depression by David D. Burns, M.D. I plan to re-read this one, it's incredibly helpful and provides many tools to help us overcome our own moods!

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336

Dracona,
I found something that is simular to eye movement treatment, and it works for me when I am in huge emotional pain:
http://www.dnmsinstitute.com/theratapper.html
Thera Tapper does the same thing as EMDR, but you can do it on your own. The website I provided link for is some institution that invented this equipment, and they also offer a book on how to use it, and the theory behind it. What it does is helping you to feel your pain, but the procedure takes your wrongly stored memories from your right side of a brain ( short term memory) to the left side- long term memory. You still remember what happened to you, but instead of feeling enormous pain like it if it happened just now, the event that causes this pain gets processed to be stored as something that happened long time ago, and you don't feel so terrible anymore. It works! When I started it, I could not stop suffering from acute unbearable pain all over me- emotional pain. So I break it down to specific episodes that cause my torture, and using thera tapper I almost immediately makes me feel MUCH better, pain goes down from 7-9 to 3-4 at least.
The only thing is - that organization does not sell it to anyone unless your therapist contact them telling it is ok to sell it to you. If you get your specialist to email them, get a book and the equipment, it is going to cost you about $200.00, but its worth it.
Let me know if you'll decide to try it out.

and was not trying to negate your pain in any way... just saying, it sucks.

i don't think there's anything wrong with getting treated with an antidepressant or something that could help you out.

depression alone is something none of us should be stuck in. i truly hope you find the right combination of meds and/or therapy... you deserve happiness and joy.

I wish that your situation was different regarding medical benefits. It makes me feel like getting a prescription and sending you the meds monthly from Canada.
EFT can work--there are lots of videos on the net. A friend of mine is a practitioner and has shown me how to do it as well. It is good for people to do on their own--it is an independent therapy.
Thinking of you--

Thanks for thinking of me Creo... i found a how to video on the tapping. I tried it last night. instead of calming me down it sent me into a full blown freak out cycle. i cried for like 3 hours and couldnt stop. Im going to start taking the 5 htp soon and some amino acids. if these dont help, then im going to find a way to go on medication possibly... cause this is killing me,and ALL my relationships. not even just the one. I cant even make a logical decision that i am comfortable with when it comes to him cause my emotions are ruling my life right now and entirely diminishing my logical thought process. its worse every day. and i need to make a decision on this relationship so i can cut some of the anxiety out of my life... so i can decide im anxious because he is good... or im anxious because he is unhealthy for me. hell, even just so i can make decisions and get this damn weight and butterflies and knots and constant state of total meltdown out of me. at least for a little while. its just gotten worse and worse.

have you ever tried circular breathing, or quantum light breath?

i am on Buspar for anxiety and it seems to help a lot, also non habit forming.
and of course Lithium for manic depression.. it helps with just depression, as well.
it would be a good thing if you could get your blood checked for common stuff that can cause depression, too (like hypothyroidism, etc.)
i almost feel like i may need an antidepressant myself.