Sunny,
Your post really resonated with me. It kept reminding of something I had read recently; like I knew the reason why you play all these roles, but the answer escapes me right at this moment. It triggered some sort of memory within me, just out of reach.

When rice cookers first became popular in the late 70s and early 80s, I remember seeing an advert for one which described them as very versatile. I was only around 10 at this time and the word was new to me. Once I knew the meaning, I felt like it described me. I was versatile and like water, I took the shape of the vessel I was in....I do it in a slightly different way..In me it is mostly when I interact with other people. I did it this morning when I was talking to the young Canadian couple staying with in my basement flat. I started mimicking their accent.

I think it comes from us being Empath's. And now I remember what your post reminded me of. I think it is due to our mirror neurons, especially the part about taking up your partner's interests. We are so sensitive to other people's energy that we become them to make them comfortable by mirroring back who they are. At a much deeper level I think it also means we never felt who we really are was important enough to nurture.

I was where you are when I came out of my marriage 6 years ago. It has taken me a long time to even get a glimpse of myself and I am still a work in progress. There is a lot of discomfort in shedding the costumes and persona and truly being ourselves. But it is possible..

I loved this post! It was exactly me less than a year ago. I was always trying to PLEASE others. I remember learning how to snow ski from my ex bf. He took me up to the top and left me! I fell all the way down and cried. But then as time went by I became a good skier. The same with golf. I feel proud of my knowledge and ability in all these sports, but they have all been learned through hard lessons with men. I never did much with women. I did not like women much until I got sober. Then it was foreign but I kept at mixing with women instead of men. I began to find my OWN likes.

But even after all these years, with the new BF I did exactly the same thing. He is a drummer and so I started frequenting night clubs late at night to see him play. I hated it. The people were mostly drunk and the musicians were mostly awful. The bf is an extremely talented drummer but lacks the self confidence to make it with better musicians. So for months I continued to torture myself. Until I was so miserable that I decided to not go. FEAR set in and I was terrified that he would find someone there at the bar that would give him all the attention he wanted and I would be left behind. An amazing thing happened though. I hung in there and stayed strong about not wanting to do something I hated and I began to gain a little self confidence. He also taught me to be more secure in our relationship. He told me he just enjoyed the playing and not the crowd. After much encouragement from me, he has formed his own little group to practice with for now and he has stayed out of the dingy bars.

So what have I learned??? I have learned to not do things that make me uncomfortable. I have also learned that I NEED to work on discovering what things give me joy. This is still hard for me. My therapist wants me to keep a list everyday of three things I did that day that brought me the most joy. I am hoping to look over this list down the road and get a clearer picture of who I am.

Some of the posts I have read have stated that we love too much. I think that is very true, but have to wonder if a little bit of caregiving gives us joy though? Maybe it is our motives with men in general. We caretake them in hopes of getting something BACK in return. Love, kindness, compassion. I think that to caregive in general is ok if we do it with the right motives. The right motive for me must be that I just like doing it and EXPECT nothing in return. Then also I can keep the giving in check. I can tell myself that I really am not giving anymore out of kindness, but out of need for something in return. I think I will start a thread on this.

Thank you so much for your post sunnyjax. It means that you have opened the door and are on your way. Some of us have to get things in our own time frame. : )

Maybe I need to just keep trying things and see what works for me?
x

Sunny, I am reading Lu Ann Cahn's book I Dare Me. At 53, she found herself stagnant and negative and started wring a blog about trying out "Firsts" for 365 days. Things she either never done before or not done in at least 10 years. It made a huge change in her life and she found there were lots of things she liked doing she had not considered doing before or was too scared to try..Something like that might provide you inspiration to find something that is for you?

Hmmmm thanks Lucidak….good idea!
x

Thank you sunnyjax for this post. I felt like I was reading something I wrote. The thing about personas and roles hit a chord with me. That is exactly where I have been these last few years, trying to sort out "me" from "not me."

sunny, i adore you.

it's not a role you need. it's not a persona. it's being authentic with yourself. being accepting of who you are will go a lot further than judging and criticizing her. this is where the stop and stand still and listen part of healing comes in. the inner child re parenting.. do you have a baby picture of yourself???? tell us about it. what do you see?

being mindful. being an observer. being true to yourself. not caring what other people think. so at first while she's fragile-- keep her to yourself. no testing allowed.

i think you know you love art --so start there. we can come up with some art therapy exercises for you..

you are so my ideal coaching client!!!! i have so many exercises that could help you with this!!! work with me sunny and i will help you, i'm sure of it. not because i am good but b/c i have some amazing tools....i will charge you very little!! this applies to anyone here!! we work on the phone. 1.5 hours a week for 3 weeks for 3 months. i need the testimonials, the feedback and practice running through my program. the charge would be nominal so you are investied in showing up for something you paid for. it's gentle...no pressure. just think about it. i'd love to work with so many of you...we're in this together! the work comes from you, the real you. not from me and not from any man. we keep it light and doable at your pace..... coaching is phenomenal. it saved my life!

Hi ladies, Im glad to contribute to your thoughts!
Im not sure I have ever been me, or been able to be me. I think I crave solitude and veer towards a hermit like existence so that I can relax, I don't have to play a role if I am alone.

And Finn. Thats a fab offer. My initial reaction was one of fear - because you mentioned the phone. I hate it. and I know Its not good for me to avoid it ! Im not sure why I feel that way.

But I am so grateful for your help and would love to help you back. I am very restricted with my privacy. But Im sure we can find a time, even with me here in the UK and you across the pond. I am better at expressing myself in writing somehow.
Let see what we can do.

Finn. I am open to working with you. Im worried about the phone calls more than anything. I hate the telephone.