Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
So what should it be like?!
Should it be my Husband guilt tripping me for not wanting to be away when my children start their new school, or for my 15 year old sons birthday?!
Should it be him giving me the silent treatment because I say I need to be there for them at this time?
Should it be him saying he is going alone with his 17 year old son if I don't want to go?!
He has been horrible about it, I told him I didn't appreciate his attitude towards me wanting to be a good Mother to my children when they need me ( which for someone with Co-D took a lot!!!) and can we please look at other times and dates?!
It shouldn't be like that should it?!
I feel a line has been crossed here. I shouldn't have to ask for time to be there for my children should I?
His argument is that my son , who is 15, doesn't visit anyway. ( thats because he hates him! As he has humiliated my son on more than one occasion) and I should just call him on the day.
I also promised my younger daughter that I would take her to the dentist ( she's really scared ) which would be while we were away.
Also my 18 year old is off to Uni in a few weeks and I wanted to spend that time with her.
Is that unreasonable. ?!
He is being really bullying about it, making me feel like I am letting him down, he says he is disappointed in me for not wanting to have a holiday with him.
I feel I have turned a corner here, is this how it is going to be?! I think so. And it makes me see the future….and him, for what he is.
Should it be my Husband guilt tripping me for not wanting to be away when my children start their new school, or for my 15 year old sons birthday?!
Should it be him giving me the silent treatment because I say I need to be there for them at this time?
Should it be him saying he is going alone with his 17 year old son if I don't want to go?!
He has been horrible about it, I told him I didn't appreciate his attitude towards me wanting to be a good Mother to my children when they need me ( which for someone with Co-D took a lot!!!) and can we please look at other times and dates?!
It shouldn't be like that should it?!
I feel a line has been crossed here. I shouldn't have to ask for time to be there for my children should I?
His argument is that my son , who is 15, doesn't visit anyway. ( thats because he hates him! As he has humiliated my son on more than one occasion) and I should just call him on the day.
I also promised my younger daughter that I would take her to the dentist ( she's really scared ) which would be while we were away.
Also my 18 year old is off to Uni in a few weeks and I wanted to spend that time with her.
Is that unreasonable. ?!
He is being really bullying about it, making me feel like I am letting him down, he says he is disappointed in me for not wanting to have a holiday with him.
I feel I have turned a corner here, is this how it is going to be?! I think so. And it makes me see the future….and him, for what he is.
is he worth the resentment your children may feel toward you if you go???? if being a mom is your priority and makes you feel good about yourself then by all means just take a deep breath and take a stand sunny! you will not die if you do.
then feed yourself and do what makes you feel good not bad. how could you possibly go and have fun at this point?????
He says he wants to try and make amends to my children by going on holiday, but they won't go. He said I should force them, I said I won't! whats the point of that!!!
I did tell him he was being petulant and a controlling bully. His way or no way, he has to flex a little and compromise. I told him I wouldn't put him before my children anymore and that was why they resented him and I feel bad about myself.
So we ended up by booking a 6 day trip to Wales in a little cottage. just us. and I will be back in time for the children.
but the punishment has begun…the cold shoulder treatment. The sulking. Pathetic and I told him so. I told him I knew what he was doing and his guilt tripping wasn't going to work, I told him I was disappointed in him for reacting like this to me putting my children's welfare first and he needs to get a grip and work on being a better human being.!!!
Jeeez yes I really said those things!!! ( I could hear crowds cheering in my head at this point!!)
I felt this was a turning point, I snapped. I was hugely disappointed in him for wanting me to let down my children. I tried to explain to him that it wasn't the fact that it was just a dental appointment, the fact was that I made a promise to them to be there and I wouldn't let them down by choosing him over them.
So Im feeling good today.!!! I feel like I made progress. I didn't get cross, just said my piece and stood my ground. I am still very unhappy with his attitude and realise I won't live like this. Its hit me.
totally celebrating you!!
The thing about all this is not only his bullying….by the way did you see they have changed the law here against spouses emotionally abusing their partners….?….
but his inconsistency in everything. His weakness and lack of following through on things he says he will do.
The thing I find really difficult with him is his inconsistency…he just had a big row with my daughter about her asking for a lift into town to go to a club, he said no, because you wouldn't take my son home the other day so I could have a drink at dinner…then it all kicks off then few hours later after insisting for so long that he wouldn't give them a lift he then says yes he will. I said to him his going back on what he says makes him untrustworthy as no one believes a word he says…he doesn't get it! How can anyone believe him when he doesn't do what he says, he has always been that way…he says he is just a big softy…
what can I do about this…how can I deal with it. I just told him no one can trust him as he doesn't keep his word, he has no integrity….he doesn't understand…and whats with the cold eyes?!
this is codependent behavior.
sunny you did a great thing by refusing to go on vacation with him. please don't minimize that!
you cannot change him by putting him down. you cannot change him period.
remember you have decided to stay with him. so you are part of the cycle and part of the reinforcement of his behavior all of these years. just because you are losing tolerance for his antics does not mean he has to change. i personally don't think he can change at this point.
big hugs. gently speaking. i'm glad you're finding your anger and taking a stand against him but there are ways to set boundaries with someone like him to protect yourself and allow him to be who he is....
how is the detachment work going???
Oh well, I am grateful to have your input in pointing this out.
Yup ok, detachment. I can't fix him, he is who he is. Im not sure I was trying to fix him but maybe try and explain to him why everyone gets so cross with him. He created this big row with my daughter and then took her anyway - so what was the point of creating all that upset if he was going to do it anyway?!
So how do I not reinforce this behaviour from him, am I reinforcing it by just being here?!
I will work on the detachment, I am doing better with that.
however I will be more aware of this in the future, thanks!
Had a lovely day out with my youngest daughter at an old watermill and off for a week with H tomorrow.
Going to Snowdonia, a little stone cottage in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by black sheep and towering green mountains…there is a steam train which goes by twice a day …!
xxxxxx
I have a question. You said your eldest son doesn't come around because your partner 'hates' him and has humiliated him.
Okay, with ALL due respect and kindness, I need to ask you as a mother HOW you can be with a man who dislikes (or HATES??) your child? Who humiliates your child? Even worse, how can you be with someone who actually prohibits (emotionally or circumstantially) your son from visiting you and/or living with you???
Is he not more important than this man? That is the message you are sending your 15 year old son. This man is more important than you are. I can't live without him but I can live without you.
It sounds very confusing and truly, I don't have a full picture of the duration or depth of your relationship so forgive me for pushing but it is what comes to mind for me as a parent.
My husband has humiliated him in the past by telling him off for something he didn't do….
My husband tries too hard to be liked and then gets it massively wrong by doing an about turn and telling them off - its so inconsistent they can't be bothered with trying to like him. My son describes him as being 'pointless'.
My husband wants everyone to like him, especially my children…but they think he's a waste of space and lazy…but they are ok about accepting his generous gifts come Xmas time….
I am glad you have a nice holiday to look forward to.
yes my husband is a pleaser. But on the other hand he is adamant that things are done his way. He insists he knows best and it must be his way or he becomes unbearable and a bully. He believes in tit for tat as how to teach people a lesson.