Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
It has only been a week since my very dear friend suggested that I read WWLTM. I haven't read it yet but I will be buying a copy online. None of the district library's in my area have a copy. I have, however, begun to draw some conclusions based on my own experience and a lot of research. I'm hoping that I might confirm my suspicions here with your help. I am indeed a WWLTM. I have been involved with a man for about two years, having discovered about six months ago, that his is the behavior of a classic passive aggressive individual. Now that I've identified both behavior patterns, and after many conversations with women who are involved with PA's I believe that I have fairly solid proof that these two types will inevitably link up, being drawn to each other like magnets. If there are any women here who are in the same boat with me and have a relationaship with a passive aggressive man, please leave a message here so that I can find you and we can share information here. That emotional unavailability that so many of us recognize is one of the most pervasive characteristics. Let's talk about this.
It seems that many of the women (but certainly not all of them) on this board are also with NPD men.
Here is an article which pretty much sums them up. You can look it over and see if it resonates:
http://narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.aimoo.com/THE-NARCISSIST-Read-Only/10-Easy-Steps-to-Understanding-NPD-1-442025.html
Also I am super glad that you are getting the WWL2M book. It is a life changing book.
What is for sure is that WWL2M end up with Emotionally Unavailable men. Emotional unavailability can come in many forms. They can be passive agressive, addicted, married, personality disordered or a variety of other scenerios. I guess the label is not as important as the fact that we willingly tolerate horrible behavior due to our own issues and terror of being left.
We are all here to support one another.
From the fantastic website: Mr. Unavailable and the fallback girl:
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/mr-unavailable-and-the-fallback-girl-book-one/
He is very reliant on text messages, instant messaging and email for the majority of his contact
He is ambiguous about the status of the relationship
You are not sure when you will hear from him next, even though you have been dating them for a while
You think you are in a relationship, but it is closer to a booty call
He says stuff like If only the timing was different, you would be the perfect girlfriend and If only things were different Id definitely marry you
When you try to tackle the status of your relationship or any issues, he either tells you what you want to hear or then returns to his normal behavior, or he just skirts the issue. One way or the other, you wind up back at square one.
He lives with his ex
He shares a bed with a woman that he claims is his friend
He admits is that he is dating multiple women continuously
He is not over his ex openly or he says He is over his ex but He is quietly still trying to cope with the end of the relationship
He mentions his ex or things that happened between the two of them frequently
He is an overt mother lover mummys boy, or He is a mother hater has an overtly negative
relationship with his mother
He has a girlfriend
He is married
He is recently separated or has been separated for a long time.
He has a long distance relationship
He does not call when He is supposed to. Ever.
He is one big walking excuse.
You feel empty after you sleep with him.
He creeps out after sleeping with you even though you have been together for a while
He has a stringent routine that he just will not deviate from, sometimes a sign that he has someone else
He will not take calls either before or after a certain time; often a sign that he is cheating, or that
He is afraid to admit that he is with you or any woman.
He does not come around to your place until late
He is resistant to involving himself in your life
He talks about his problems, his successes, his life it is me, me, me all the way
He determines the momentum of the relationship you meet up when he wants to meet up
He pushes is for an open relationship
He never refers to you as a girlfriend, partner, or any form of significant not other
He uses sex as his way of demonstrating his so-called emotions
There are pockets of time when he seems to just disappear, and then he resurfaces with little or no explanation
It feels like he blows hot and cold
He is quick out the gate in pursuing you, gets your attention, and then goes into a slow cantor
He tells you that he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with
He actually says not ready for a relationship but is still with you
He says he wants to get married, but there is no sign of a ring, no sign of a date, and years are going by
He can not commit to anything, no matter how miniscule everything that He is asked, such as whether he can do something with you is a big drama to get him to say yay or nay
He may try and sleep with you on the first night
You often feel like an armchair psychologist
He is so inconsistent, that He is become consistent at it and you now think it is normal
He does not feel any responsibility towards following through on plans he has made with you.
He will often have no respect for your time commitments and he will expect you to jump to his beat
He summons you and you run
It feels like a long distance relationship but you live in the same area/town/city
He has lots of female friends that are pursuing him. They are all catering to his needs. He gets to be jack-of-all-trades and master of no one. This is what one of my readers refers to as his Narcissistic Harem or Narcissistic Supply.
They tend to be quite tight fisted. They can spend a lot on themselves but will penny-pinch with you.
When you ask about the status of the relationship or his behavior, he accuses you of being
needy.
Disproportionate interest and declaration of feelings at the outset of the relationship (lets move in, have a baby) and then he withdraws
You have been together for years but he is stalling on moving in or just plain moving the relationship forward.
You could be with him for a lifetime but you would struggle to see any progression in your relationship with him.
He is like a bad penny that keeps turning up. You end it with him but he finds a way to keep in contact with you periodically, or even sleep with you occasionally. This can go on for years.
Shortly after this, I met another man that I liked a lot. He was hot and cold. He would tell me to call him and then ignore my call when I did. He'd ignore my emails, IMs, texts, calls for weeks on end. Then out of the blue would contact me and act like it had never happened, and he had just been "busy". I played games w/ this guy (who was playing me and several other women) for several months to the point where I nearly drove myself insane and ended up failing a college course bc I couldn't muster the energy to get up and go to school, I was so obsessed w/ him and trying to figure out what to do to get and keep his attn.
It was at this point that I came across a brief explanation of Passive Aggression and realized it perfectly described this guy. So I got on amazon and found Living With the Passive Aggressive Man (an excellent book which I'd highly recommend if you've lived or been involved w/ a PA). I read this book and was so totally blown away by the fact that it not only described this man that I was in the cat and mouse game with, but the man I was living with for 8 yrs! I could not believe what I was reading! I actually started highlighting sections of the book that PERFECTLY described my ex. And I don't mean vague examples, I mean dead on examples of stuff he'd do. One passage said something to the affect of "the passive aggressive man will often 'forget' his wallet so that others will pay his way. he does this because he feels entitled and feels he should be taken care of". I almost fell over when I read this! My ex was famous for "forgetting" his wallet when we'd go out so that me or whoever else was with him would pay for him. He'd often claim he was 'broke' and couldn't afford lunch so he was starving, in order to get pity from people who would then buy him lunch. Then the next time you'd see him open his wallet, it would be totally loaded with cash.
That book changed my life and is what started my healing journey. It was then that I realized that I was attracted to and had always been attracted to PA men. However, what I didn't realize until years later was that PA was just one trait of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. And that in fact, this ex was a very PA NPD. NPD explained all his issues, the PA and everything else. It all fell under NPD.
Since that relationship I have been in another relationship w/ a very PA NPD that I was extremely attracted to and thought was "the one". I was also in a 'relationship' w/ a psychopath (all psychopaths are extremely narcissistic) but he was not really PA, he was very overtly aggressive, and I actually wasn't very attracted to him. I was trying to go for something different. Turns out he was different but not much. But the PA NPDs have always drawn me in very strongly.
I would definitely recommend that book if you haven't read it yet. It changed EVERYTHING for me. The first chapter is kind of slow (about the PA's childhood and what turns them PA) but after that it gets really really good.