Hello Ladies,

I have been away for a few days attempting to gain some clarity, motivation, and peace. I have found some of each. I think I wrote in an earlier post that I had come to a decision to surrender my need to be in a relationship. But if I didn't I will explain it a little here. I have always wanted to be in a relationship every since I was a young girl. The belief behind the need was really a hope and prayer that love would save me from pain, loneliness, and fear. Like most of you I interpreted all the woes of my childhood as being a direct response to my inability, my unworthiness, my inherent curse of being unwanted and unlovable. I realize now that my perception, interpretation, and consequent behaviors stemming from those beliefs were all misguided. I get that now and I am ready to move forward. So, with that I realized that my need for a man, my desire for a man was always unconsciously in the pursuit of having my needs met. Understand that these were false needs based on false beliefs- it took me a long time to unravel that. I release the fantasy that a man could save or heal me. It was difficult but it felt good to surrender it.

For as long as I can remember I have been praying for a man. So when I told God that I was no longer praying for a man because I realized that my true intention was only to use him- I was scared but honest and relieved. I didn't have any idea what a relationship was supposed to be about if it was not really about my hidden agenda of getting what I didn't get in childhood. Trust me I understand that humans need love, relationships, and interaction with other humans. I get that. What I am saying is that- that has NEVER been my intention for getting in relationship with men. I entered every single one of my relationship with the belief that I am not enough, I am not lovable, but if I can manipulate, control, and care take a man who I have labeled flawed in some way I will gain what I need. At times I consciously and unconsciously chose men who had an issue and then I distracted myself with his issue as a way to avoid my own.

So fast forward a bit and now I realize that the fantasy will never come true but greater than that the need is not true either. I am not unlovable or unwanted and my relationships have not been proof that I am but rather they have been proof of what I believed. I dated the men that I "believed" I was worthy of. My relationships have been a reflection of the lies I believed not the truth of who I am. If I change the beliefs and tap into the truth of who I am then my life will reflect that internal change. It took me a long time to realize that I cant do it from the outside -in. I though that if I could make a man love me it would in turn make me love myself. The truth is that your life really becomes a reflection of your internal beliefs.

So, with all this new information- sorry I am rambling here- I realized that at the moment I could not tap into an authentic motivation for wanting a relationship. So, instead of praying for a man I started asking God what is the purpose of relationships between a man and a woman if not mutual neediness. If I realize that he is not created to fulfill my needs or heal my childhood pain and he realizes the same thing what is the real purpose of the relationship. I understand that some of you may know the answer but I am telling you I did not. Until today. Today I read a passage that answered my question. Relationships are not about obligations- you must fulfill this thing in me that I believe is lacking- but rather it is an opportunity for mutual growth, mutual healing. So, now when I meet a man and my stuff comes up rather than looking or expecting him to heal it by behaving in a particular way it really is an opportunity for me to become aware of my own limiting beliefs and heal them.