I'll help you find yours and bash his brains out, if you'll help me find mine and light him on fire. :)

Oh yes, I know that feeling of wanting to bash his brains out! I got my "pound of flesh" by contacting the woman he was cheating on me with (I discovered her on the internet) and contacting her and telling her without holding any details about all his lies and deception. He was humiliated, of course, because he had painted a totally different picture of himself to her.

While I did the satisfaction of "bashing his brains" (figuratively speaking) and regaining a small bit of dignity back, it didn't resolve all the other issues you are currently suffering, like the endless self-questioning ("how did I allow myself to fall for all those lies?!?!"), the betrayal of trust, the depression, the obsessive and intrusive thoughts, etc. It takes time for those feelings to fade away. No Contact helped me gain some emotional distance. Reading about toxic relationships with pathological men also helped enormously in understanding what I had been through.

I really relate to what you wrote above when you say, "Did he really mean it when he said he was sorry...even though he didn't say what, exactly, he was sorry for?". MIne never even said "sorry". He just said he "made mistakes" which he would never define. These men do NOT feel sorry for what they have done. In my case he was a pathological liar who manipulated me into sending large sums of money. After a month of "no contact" he created a new e-mail account and contacted me with the same sweet words, which were quickly followed by....another request for money! When I reminded him that I had discovered that everything he'd told me about how he used the money was a big lie (supposedly for school, but in reality to win over his new girlfriend), he said, "that was the past, this is the present". Imagine! Of course now I was able to see him for the monster he always was, and I blocked him.

My nightmare occurred over 14 months, also a short period of time for so much heartache. These men are master manipulators and they work quickly.

You will heal! With time the intrusive thoughts will fade as you gain a greater understanding that you were with a vampire who was draining you. Congrats on a month of NC. Keep it up. You are worth it.
Hugs.

I love this thread as it addresses all of those emotions we feel, deal with, struggle with etc.

Mine never said sorry either! He came back claiming to want me back, but never once, said those two words... I'm sorry. He just kept saying that he was "stupid" and that he "finally got his head out of his ass."

It must have gone right back up there because after all of this proclamation on his part, he has never once contacted me again. I don't have to block him or anything, he does all the NC himself. I was Idealized, (I want you back, I can't function without you), devalued (WHILE claiming to want me back he said "YOU haven't changed either"), and then discarded (right back to NOTHING,) all within a 24 hour period of time. I don't know about anyone else but what would YOU expect from someone who is claiming to be willing to do ANYTHING for someone to win them back??? Just curious?

Good one slivermain, I am day 25 with nc and i hear what you are saying. I want to find him sometimes and bash him as well lol. I ask myself the same questions and I ahve my answer as he has moved on alreay. He changed his face book status to in a relationship 2 weeks ago and I have heard it is true. I am thinking how much I must have meant to him and that I meant nothing. HE needs someone to make him feel ok and to control. I feel sorry for her as she will get the same treatemnt. It may not be today but it will come. He will have a companion to drink with and all will be good for the short time. I also got told what she looks like and I actually felt sorry for him. I heard she is old looking, tats, piercings and not very nice and I thought omg that is what you are attracting, I am blonde, no tats no piercings and people tell me attractive. Not running her down just pointing out what I was told. I just hope she sees him for what he is sooner than later and that she doesn;t get the violence I did...

I have stopped counting the days of NC --- as I have broken and unbroken and gone back and flip flopped so many times. I can relate to the wanting to bash them feeling. I am so desperate to get past it. I feel, STILL, like I take 10 steps ahead and 80 backwards. I just can't LET GO of the fact that their lives get to go on minus the pain and suffering....it just isn't fair. I ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP, so why, now is it so hard for me to get off the merry-go-round. YES! It's been almost 3 months and WHY am I so depressed and still so consumed by this. I feel angry with myself for continuing to be so distraught, but I feel ...as the fog lifts, so does the reality, and sometimes that's just as equally difficult to deal with. I pray everyday, several times a day, to just move beyond this nightmare. Please. I am SO desperate to get to the other side. I don't know what it's going to take!

Thank you, ladies, for the feedback!

Special thanks to FlyAway! Your reply gave me a real belly-laugh!

Thats wonderful you have been able to be strong with NC for 30 days.... You should feel very proud of yourself!!!! It takes ALOT of strength, it is so hard to realize we must let go... I am 1 day away from being a month NC and it hasn't been easy.. So I know allll the emotions you are having very well.... It hurts, your mad, your sad, you miss him & you can't figure out why!!! I have asked myself the same questions you have about my ex... Did he ever really love me or care about me??? Was the whole last 3 years really nothing to him REALLY??? Its so hard to be able to see someone you thought loved you in those terms... But honestly for me I can see his games like I never was able to before and it does make NC easier for me... Does it still hurt ?? YES I wish I could shake him and see look at what you have lost... We were a family, we have beautiful kids together how can you throw us all away?? But the sad thing is my ex will never see what he has lost, because it was everything to me and nothing to him....
BUT this NC is the BEST thing we can EVER do for ourselfs........ I wish you the best on your journey:)