Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Today i received a phone call from a past love of mine. We lived together for ten tears but it was a very destructive relationship. Once again me being me and having this pattern of choosing men with issues kept going back after we split many times within the 10 years, anyway To the Point. He was not an N by any means but he was an alcoholic and was verbally and mentally abusive at times. He also cheated on me twice that i know of but denies until this day. When i broke it off with him for the last time 5 years ago now it took me a good 2 years to cut the chord and move forward but i did and eventually we remained friends with the odd times of just having sex together whilst both single. Havent done this with him though for at least 2 years. He has always tried to pursue me back even to this day. cried when he found out i was with my N now my xN. But he has found out through a mutual friend that i have split with XN and has asked me out for dinner to catch up for christmas to which i accepted.(Havent seen him in awhile) we spoke for a while on phone and in this weird way it felt like home. It gave me a sense of comfort but im wondering if this is because im feeling still so vuinerable and healing from XN. I felt like crying but not for him for XN. Im still so confused maybe i need to get WWLTM out again. Any thoughts on this situation would be gratefully appreciated. xo
Maybe you are just feeling lonely and this man has brought those feelings out, if it didn't work before then it wont now!! Don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire, especially when you are doing so well, please just think about his motives, look after yourself,I know it is tempting to hook up with un-desirable people when we feel sad and lonely but it doesn't do us any good in the long term!! (believe me, I know :( )
xxxxxx
Let's take a look at the list of the dangerous men shall we:
Here is the list of the 8 dangerous men:
THE PERMANET CLINGER:
He is a needy, victim based man will give a woman a lot of attention in return for his needs being met all the time. He fears rejection above all else, so he is jealous of other people in your life. He will ask you give up your outside life and make your world revolve around him. He will try to convince you that he has been wounded and that you can heal him with your love if you will focus only him.
THE PARENTAL SEEKER:
He wants a parent, not a partner. He needs you so much. In fact, he needs you to run his life for him. He has a difficult time doing adult things like working, completing chores, making decisions, being consistent, or paying his bills. He may give you lots of attention, but he will function very poorly in the real world.
THE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABE MAN
He is married, separated, engaged, dating someone else or just breaking up with someone. He usually presents himself as currently unhappy with or not quite out of a relationship, but he is willing to have you on the side. Another type of emotionally unavailable man is the man who is preoccupied with his career, educational goals, or hobbies to the exclusion of ever having a true interest in a long term relationship.
With the emotionally unavailable man, there is always a reason why he cant fully commit to you, but he is usually happy to keep stringing you along. After all the situation is still convenient for him as long as you are willing to keep seeing him or sleeping with him on a casual basis despite the fact that he can not or will not get involved in a serious relationship with you.
THE MAN WITH A HIDDEN LIFE
He has undisclosed other lives that might include women, same sex partners, children, jobs, wives, life threatening addictions, criminal behavior, disease or other histories that remain unrevealed to you for the long term or until you have been in the relationship a while and discover them yourself.
THE MENTALLY ILL MAN
He can look normal on the outside, but after you have dated him for a while it becomes obvious that something is amiss. Most women lack the training to know exactly what is wrong, but depending on his diagnosis he may be able to convince you to stay and love him into wellness. He may hold you emotionally hostage by telling you that everyone leaves him.
THE ADDICT
Many women do not recognize up front the guy has an addiction or they mistake it for being a fun loving guy that wants to party. Addictions can include pornography, drugs, alcohol, thrill seeking behavior, gambling, food or relationships.
THE ABUSIVE OR VIOLENT MAN
He starts out as very attentive and giving. But then Mr. Hyde appears, controlling, blaming, shaming, harming, perhaps hitting. Women who think abuse comes only in the form of a physical assault may miss warning signs of other kinds of abuse. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, spiritual, financial, physical or sexual, or it can be abuse of the system to get his way. With an abusive man, anything goes when he decides he is in control, and he will always be in control. Abusive or violent behavior always gets worse over time.
THE EMOTIONAL PREDATOR
He has a sixth sense about how women operate. He knows how to play a womans woundedness. Although his motives might be to prey on a womans financial or sexual vulnerabilities, he is called the emotional predator because he hunts for his victims by targeting their emotional vulnerabilities. He can sense women who have recently been dumped, or who are hurt, lonely or sexually needy. He is a chameleon and can be whatever any woman needs him to be. He is very tuned in to a womans body and eye language as well. He can pick up on hints about her life and turn himself into what she wants in the moment.
Most dangerous men fall into more then one category. I call these combo pack men. For instance, some addicts are also violent. Clingers and seekers almost always have interwoven mental illness issues. Addicts are typically emotionally unavailable. Emotional predators usually have hidden lives, because hiding what they do is half the fun.
So he may or may not be an N, but he is DEFINITELY a dangerous man. The main thing that makes me think is an N is that he keeps popping back in your life. The love to re-cycle old supply when new supply has dried up.
You are still trying to heal your heart from a tornado going through it and all of a sudden it seems like a good idea to re-connect with someone that was abusive?
That does not sound like something 'healing' to me. It sounds like someone very vulnerable showing her neck to the Vampire and saying: You are just going to lick me, right?
The abusive man does not want to meet with you to see how you are doing. The abusive man wants to meet with you for easy sex and to see if he can re-insert himself in your life and issue you some more abuse.
It is one thing to go out with someone new and DISCOVER that they are abusive, it is another thing to set yourself up, when you are hurting, needy and vulnerable.
One of the things my therapist taught me is to never start a relationship when you are vulnerable because it makes you easy prey.