So we've been texting for about a month with this ambiguity about whether we were still 'together' or not I started going to domestic violence classes fand asked him to go to domestic violence treatment for men and he said no.

Another time in response to him blaming me, I asked him,"So what you are saying is that you don't think alcoholism, addiction to porn, power & control and attention (narcissism) affect a relationship, too?" He said he could see my point when it's in black and white but the only thing he has offered me was for me to come back to him with no change.

So I said no today and broke up with him today, officially.

I did it in a very strong direct way, too.

I said said since he made it clear that I am not ever going to get what I want and since he's treated me in ways that are unacceptable to me over the past several weeks that the situation no longer holds my interest and that I'm going to keep working on my own life and give dating a try.

I am proud of that. He was very nice about it, too, uncharacteristically so, and basically went along with it and said "peace" and sorry for what pain he has caused, which I don't feel much about, because he'll be abusive again in heartbeat if he gets into a rage.

Anyway, it was that Why Men Love Bitches book that encouraged me to do it. I like her style and what's she has to say and I want to feel like that and not sit home lamenting over some guy who is not treating me right.

So...

You all know what this means now. :(

I have to face all the **** that comes up when we break up even though the relationship is causing us pain. The hollowness, the emptiness...doubt....maybe regretting it. I do feel kind of down but I really think it was the right thing to do to choose my self respect over the relationship.

I don't want to spend my life policing another person and trying to save or fix someone. I want to have a good time. I want my stress level down. I want to smile and feel free, even though I haven't felt that way for a really long time (even before getting back together with him.) Just the problem is, now I'm faced with fixing my own life and dealing with my own feelings and I know my depression will increase. Probably just from the lack of "stirring up" the relationship gave me.

Oh, man...well here I go. :)