Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
On my post about “Letting Go”, Shani wrote “I am paying close attention to how I feel when I do something. Especially the things that make me feel good. It amazes me what little things I can do to give myself a brief wonderful feeling. I think this might be a little bit of loving myself?”...
I had been thinking about the next topic I wanted to write about for our recovery project and when I sat down at my computer and saw Shani’s post, I realised this particular topic was meant to be written.
It is about the “I” who is in all this pain, struggling to let go and feeling worthless..Who is this “I”. When Shani talks about the “I” who is paying attention to how she feels when she does something, especially something good, is she talking about the same “I”? Actually she is not. I call that part of ourselves the “observer”.
The more we can separate the part of ourselves that observe and the part of ourselves that suffers, and cries, pines and grieves over loss, or experience happiness and joy, the more aware we become that what we are experiencing are just thoughts..Some are happy, some are sad..But nothing can actually affect the “observer” part of us...That part of us exists through all this drama we experience in our daily lives.
This is a much deeper subject than I have written up here. Those of you who are familiar with Buddhist Spiritual teachings will have heard all of this before.
Like Shani, for 18 days in mid July, I undertook a small project on Facebook which I called the “happiness project”. Each day, I would find one tiny thing from my day that I found joyful. And often it was things that didn’t cost anything or have anything to do with having my boyfriend in my life. I would share it on Facebook and my friends would comment with their own little joys...People would message me to tell me how much they looked forward to reading my post each day. I was trying to do it for 3 weeks to make the noticing of these little joys a habit, but a trip away from home got in the way and I stopped in early August.
However the effects of the Happiness Project have been far reaching. I believe I am in this really good place right now even though I have only broken up 5 weeks ago because I worked on observing the part of me that feels the emotions and realised that it was not “I” who was suffering. That part of me is untouched and free of suffering...
This is a very complex subject, but easy enough to put into practice like I have done above or as Shani said by paying attention to how she feels. It is also about being mindful which grounds us in the here and now..Both of these help us realise all of this pain is simply a thought and thoughts have no power to hurt us..
Your thoughts on this are very welcome...Much love.
I had been thinking about the next topic I wanted to write about for our recovery project and when I sat down at my computer and saw Shani’s post, I realised this particular topic was meant to be written.
It is about the “I” who is in all this pain, struggling to let go and feeling worthless..Who is this “I”. When Shani talks about the “I” who is paying attention to how she feels when she does something, especially something good, is she talking about the same “I”? Actually she is not. I call that part of ourselves the “observer”.
The more we can separate the part of ourselves that observe and the part of ourselves that suffers, and cries, pines and grieves over loss, or experience happiness and joy, the more aware we become that what we are experiencing are just thoughts..Some are happy, some are sad..But nothing can actually affect the “observer” part of us...That part of us exists through all this drama we experience in our daily lives.
This is a much deeper subject than I have written up here. Those of you who are familiar with Buddhist Spiritual teachings will have heard all of this before.
Like Shani, for 18 days in mid July, I undertook a small project on Facebook which I called the “happiness project”. Each day, I would find one tiny thing from my day that I found joyful. And often it was things that didn’t cost anything or have anything to do with having my boyfriend in my life. I would share it on Facebook and my friends would comment with their own little joys...People would message me to tell me how much they looked forward to reading my post each day. I was trying to do it for 3 weeks to make the noticing of these little joys a habit, but a trip away from home got in the way and I stopped in early August.
However the effects of the Happiness Project have been far reaching. I believe I am in this really good place right now even though I have only broken up 5 weeks ago because I worked on observing the part of me that feels the emotions and realised that it was not “I” who was suffering. That part of me is untouched and free of suffering...
This is a very complex subject, but easy enough to put into practice like I have done above or as Shani said by paying attention to how she feels. It is also about being mindful which grounds us in the here and now..Both of these help us realise all of this pain is simply a thought and thoughts have no power to hurt us..
Your thoughts on this are very welcome...Much love.
I think this is a very good topic- deep, very introspective. It reminds me of Echart Tolle's teaching in the New Earth. He call the unobserved mind the ego- and that we can become possessed by egoic identity- which is not the observer- is not us. Pema (I cant recall her last name) a female Buddhist talks about the same principle in her teachings. She compares it to being caught on a fish hook- she teaches that we should avoid biting the hook ignore the allure of the hook and stay mindful.
I have studied these teaching for years and they are very good and useful but difficult to maintain- for me at least. I realize that I am headed into a new territory of recovery and while I have really enjoyed the peaceful ride so far the road is now a little bumpy and narrow. The old egoic loop is in high gear and I realize that it is in full resistant mode because the next part of recovery for me is about shedding a false identity. Everything in me in in resistance and the observer in me is aware of that. My thoughts are resistant, my feelings are resistant, my body is resistant and I know that is will be difficult but necessary for me to proceed ahead. I am taking your post as a nudge to proceed ahead-knowing that no matter what shows up it really isn't me anyway.
what strikes me is that pema (Chodron?) eckhardt and byron katie is that tolle and katie were suicidal and bed ridden for emotional reasons when they came up with their theories and slowly worked their way out of the abyss and both are amazing loving now. toward themselves and toward others. very accepting..... both require mindfulness.
i love this topic. the hardest part about mindfulness for me is to remember throughout the day to go there. i have alarms and notes around my house that help. there is no ego in mindfulness. thee can't be if we do it right...
I absolutely love mindfulness. It is hard for me to stay focused on it though and I find that through out the day I forget about it. But after studying it for several years now I do believe I am
SOOOOOO much more mindful than I was.
As I drove my 1 1/2 hours to work today I really enjoyed the scenery. It is fall and all the trees are turning and the river was still. The leaves were blowing off the trees and across the road. There was very little traffic. I really felt peaceful. I also could go to gratitude when I am this peaceful. I felt grateful that I get to do such a wonderful drive when others may have to sit in traffic jams or on freeways packed with cement views and cars. Just a small bit of gratitude helps me cope.