Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I'm a single mom to a wonderful 3 year old, soon to be 4. His father is not the man I'm currently loving too much but he was one of them and I left him when my son was 5 months old. After 4 long years of severe verbal abuse and moderate (whatever that means) physical abuse, I kicked him out and never looked back. I sore I'd never get mixed up with an abuser again. Which is why when I met my current boyfriend, I thought he was gold.
Let me just describe myself a little here. I'm a good looking woman, very successful, very independant. I come from an amazing italian family, I'm well spoken, intelligent and generally a good person. I feel the need to say all this because I don't understand how someone like me could stay addicted to someone like him.
We met online last June after I had been single about a year. I'm very weary of men in general, because of my son. His father is NOT present, at least not in the way or nearly as much as he should be. He does not provide any financial support for him. Which is why I wasn't actively looking for a relationship but I was curious to see what was out there. So I met M (my current bf) on a dating site and we hit it off instantly. The fact that he and I share the same culture and literally live 5 minutes apart was a huge bonus because I have neer been with anyone who spoke my mother tongue (Italian). I thought he would speak the same language, literally and otherwise. And we did at first. It took a month for us to actually meet. We only chatted on line and texted for a good 4 weeks, which was fine. I got to know alot about him. But I noticed from the get-go that he wasn't very curious about my life, my career, my family, etc. Yet he was very forthcoming about his. Maybe that was the first red flag, who knows...but I still don't understand it to this day.
Anywhow, when we finally met, it was explosive and it remained that way for about 2 months. We saw each other every day, and mostly at night after my son would be in bed. At first I was very adament about him not meeting my son as I wanted to be sure he was worthy of it. But then as time went on, I tried to make it happen, and M would subtly steer away from it until one day he told me he wasn't ready for him yet. He said he needed more time. I didn't think much of it at the time.
About 2 months into our relationship, something happened and I had a slight suspicion that he was being unfaithful. To thsi day I'm not even sure it was realistic, I never had proof. I confronted him and he was hurt and offended. I insisted. He denied. I broke it off.
We were apart for about a month but he kept contacting me, and so did I. At thsi point, it was clear I was completely addicted to him.
We reunited but this time it was different. We hardly spent any time together. We fought alot and there was alot of silent treatment. He would take the opportunity to be 'mad' at me whenever I stepped out of line somehow. So he wouldn't contact me for days. I thought he was cheating. He wouldn't come see me, always had something or otehr to do, or was working. I even hired a private investigator at one point because I just wanted proof and he turned up with nothing. I was relieved yet extremely frustrated.
In April, i ended it again. I just couldn't handle not seeing him and wondering what i was doing wrong. He kept saying he was busy and to not take things so personally...that we are ok..not to worry, etc etc.
Still, i felt starved for affection. we were hardly having sex and I was constantly an anxious mess. The times we woudl see each other was an Event. Keep in mind that he lives a short 5 minute drive away from me. This was ridiculous.
Anyhow, again, we were broken up for about a month. Thsi time I was very good in keeping no contact with him. Which is why he kept in contact with me...to keep me at arm's length. It was sickening. But I missed him. We got back together again about a month ago. I've seen him all of 4 or 5 times since then. We have had sex once.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!??????
ps. he's 8 years younger than I
Let me just describe myself a little here. I'm a good looking woman, very successful, very independant. I come from an amazing italian family, I'm well spoken, intelligent and generally a good person. I feel the need to say all this because I don't understand how someone like me could stay addicted to someone like him.
We met online last June after I had been single about a year. I'm very weary of men in general, because of my son. His father is NOT present, at least not in the way or nearly as much as he should be. He does not provide any financial support for him. Which is why I wasn't actively looking for a relationship but I was curious to see what was out there. So I met M (my current bf) on a dating site and we hit it off instantly. The fact that he and I share the same culture and literally live 5 minutes apart was a huge bonus because I have neer been with anyone who spoke my mother tongue (Italian). I thought he would speak the same language, literally and otherwise. And we did at first. It took a month for us to actually meet. We only chatted on line and texted for a good 4 weeks, which was fine. I got to know alot about him. But I noticed from the get-go that he wasn't very curious about my life, my career, my family, etc. Yet he was very forthcoming about his. Maybe that was the first red flag, who knows...but I still don't understand it to this day.
Anywhow, when we finally met, it was explosive and it remained that way for about 2 months. We saw each other every day, and mostly at night after my son would be in bed. At first I was very adament about him not meeting my son as I wanted to be sure he was worthy of it. But then as time went on, I tried to make it happen, and M would subtly steer away from it until one day he told me he wasn't ready for him yet. He said he needed more time. I didn't think much of it at the time.
About 2 months into our relationship, something happened and I had a slight suspicion that he was being unfaithful. To thsi day I'm not even sure it was realistic, I never had proof. I confronted him and he was hurt and offended. I insisted. He denied. I broke it off.
We were apart for about a month but he kept contacting me, and so did I. At thsi point, it was clear I was completely addicted to him.
We reunited but this time it was different. We hardly spent any time together. We fought alot and there was alot of silent treatment. He would take the opportunity to be 'mad' at me whenever I stepped out of line somehow. So he wouldn't contact me for days. I thought he was cheating. He wouldn't come see me, always had something or otehr to do, or was working. I even hired a private investigator at one point because I just wanted proof and he turned up with nothing. I was relieved yet extremely frustrated.
In April, i ended it again. I just couldn't handle not seeing him and wondering what i was doing wrong. He kept saying he was busy and to not take things so personally...that we are ok..not to worry, etc etc.
Still, i felt starved for affection. we were hardly having sex and I was constantly an anxious mess. The times we woudl see each other was an Event. Keep in mind that he lives a short 5 minute drive away from me. This was ridiculous.
Anyhow, again, we were broken up for about a month. Thsi time I was very good in keeping no contact with him. Which is why he kept in contact with me...to keep me at arm's length. It was sickening. But I missed him. We got back together again about a month ago. I've seen him all of 4 or 5 times since then. We have had sex once.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!??????
ps. he's 8 years younger than I
Many of us (if not all--who knows with this beautiful anonymity) are successful, intelligent, attractive, together women BUT we have all had a taste of the same. Read the posts, read the book, get in touch with what this is doing to you (you mention frustration, anxiety....) and then GET AWAY from this man. You can almost predict now the outcome if you remain AND you can predict that he will actually do a little work IF you end it. Both fall short of what you want and need.
Get ready.
You are in a good place, there is much support here--welcome.
I do want and need a healthy relationship, but I'm at the point where I feel like I don't all that much, because I'm still in this constant cycle of hope, delusion, self sacrifice. If I REALLY wanted it, wouldn't I have let go already?
I haven't contacted him in 4 days. We left off last week on a cold, dry note. He's "upset' with me because I failed to deliver on a favor he asked of me. So he decided to 'punish' me by telling me not to call him this past weekend. Which is exactly what I did, and what I'm assuming he least expected. Of course this board will recognize that as my attempt at getting his attention. No kidding, right?
So my fear now, (and my hope) is that he'll call, and I know he will, and I'll crumble.
I'm so excellent at crumbling. I'm a friggin pro, people.
I need help. I'm reading teh book as we speak. I'm halfway done but I know myself.
As you say, Creo, he will actually do some work at some point. I'm soooo dying for him to do some work. But will it be real?
It's a constant battle in my brain. Wanting him to change and wanting him to disappear.
Sigh....
Every move he makes and every move I make is predicted. It's become a game. He knows that he needs to call now and he knows I'll cave and answer his call and then all he has to do is gimme an inch and I'm back at where I started.
I feel like a hopeless case.
As Swelsha said, being aware of what's going on with you and how all of this is making you feel is ultimately the most important thing of which to be mindful. In other words, 'keep a finger on your pulse' when you have interactions with this guy and I think your heart will tell you what you need to do.
I guess he can always come over since he lives as close as he does, but he sounds like the guy who wont - he might circle the block in his car and try to see what you are up to but he dare not give you the impression that he cares about you.
you are not changing b/c you are still in the insanity that's all. that's okay. when you're done with the insantiy you will change. be kind to youself you have an addiction!! it is a legitamet addiction.....with all the accompanying symptoms, craziness and withdrawals........
keep reading you have many many strengths which almost puts you ahead of the game!! you'll do well.....
glad you're here!
I went out of my mind when he left the first time. I was sooooo obsessed . He seemed to have no problem. Just like everytime he's left since...
MYGIRL, do I plan on answering his texts or call? I don't know. I honestly don't know what to do because I'm afraid of his reaction. If I don't answer, he'll go on a rampage, he always does when I don't react. And I know that if he does freak out, I will interpret that as a sign of love and I'll react stupidly. He'll have me eaing right out of his hand. If I don't answer, he will keep calling and he will drive by my house a thousand times when he knows I can't catch him because you guessed it, Carus, he will die before he shows me that I'm affecting him. So long as he thinks he's lost his control over me, he won't let up. Total mindf*ck.
I've been abused physically and verbally and it's been hell, but I honestly don't think I have ever felt as depleted as I have felt with this guy who has never even raised his voice at me. Passive Agressive is right. It really BREAKS a person.