Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Hi,
I just found this group yesterday, and I am thankful for it. I have been trying to figure out a way to end my relationship with a very emotionally unavailable, narrsisistic man. We were only together for 7 months, but it was the LONGEST 7 months of my life! I never felt skinny enough, pretty enough, good enough in bed, smart enough and the list goes on. He did not physically abuse me but I do feel that because of his lack of self esteem and self respect he put me down to make himself feel better, and that equals abuse. And it ate away at me!! I cried everyday, I couldn't focus at work, I neglected my son, I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight and I am already skinny and after every breakup, when he came running back, I was there with open arms to take him back thinking that this time will be different. He did start to see a therapist and after a mere 5 sessions told me it wasnt for him and the doc can't fix him.
If this mental abuse wasn't hard enough to handle I found out that he abused steriods and he admitted to being addicted to porn. This was 2-3 months ago that I found out and told him that I cannot be with someone who has those addiction problems since I lived with addiction (in my family) my whole life. He stopped the steriods but with that our sex life diminished because it reduces their sex drive. So here I am with an emotionally unavailable, narrsisistic man who who wants nothing to do with me physically. I kept thinking is this what I will get if I decide to stay with him....This is as good as its ever gonna get!!!
Well I found this website, read through some of the discussions and decided I need to be strong and end it. And I did last night. I debated just ignoring him until he went away, but felt like I should show him more respect than that and tell him that I am moving on. I didn't hear back from him until today around noon. I read his message and teared up. Debated texting back but ultimately decided against it, because if I do it will just open the gates again. Day 1........... Not so bad....Excited for the future!!
I just found this group yesterday, and I am thankful for it. I have been trying to figure out a way to end my relationship with a very emotionally unavailable, narrsisistic man. We were only together for 7 months, but it was the LONGEST 7 months of my life! I never felt skinny enough, pretty enough, good enough in bed, smart enough and the list goes on. He did not physically abuse me but I do feel that because of his lack of self esteem and self respect he put me down to make himself feel better, and that equals abuse. And it ate away at me!! I cried everyday, I couldn't focus at work, I neglected my son, I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight and I am already skinny and after every breakup, when he came running back, I was there with open arms to take him back thinking that this time will be different. He did start to see a therapist and after a mere 5 sessions told me it wasnt for him and the doc can't fix him.
If this mental abuse wasn't hard enough to handle I found out that he abused steriods and he admitted to being addicted to porn. This was 2-3 months ago that I found out and told him that I cannot be with someone who has those addiction problems since I lived with addiction (in my family) my whole life. He stopped the steriods but with that our sex life diminished because it reduces their sex drive. So here I am with an emotionally unavailable, narrsisistic man who who wants nothing to do with me physically. I kept thinking is this what I will get if I decide to stay with him....This is as good as its ever gonna get!!!
Well I found this website, read through some of the discussions and decided I need to be strong and end it. And I did last night. I debated just ignoring him until he went away, but felt like I should show him more respect than that and tell him that I am moving on. I didn't hear back from him until today around noon. I read his message and teared up. Debated texting back but ultimately decided against it, because if I do it will just open the gates again. Day 1........... Not so bad....Excited for the future!!
Break ups can be rough but I know for me if the relationship had been going bad for a while there is often a huge sense of relief. The feeling of the burden being lifted can be enough to offset any lingering sadness.
As your emotions wax and wane rely on the great women on this forum to help get you through.
So happy that you are excited for the future...it sounds like you are already on the right track.
The main part of these pathological men is that show up as one thing, but they are something entirely different. This is a disorder of social hiding. This is an individual that is PROFOUNDLY disturbed but looks normal. In a normal relationship you dont have 2 different people to deal with. Here you are breaking up with dark side and the charmer.
What you miss is the charmer. What you broke up with is the dark side (and only true side).
Their disorder is this called the mask of sanity for a reason. They appear normal (better then normal - sweet, charming, handsome) but they are something else all together. These men have known they were different since they were children they are experts at hiding their dark side. If they showed you who they were, you would have gone running into the night screaming.
Here are some examples of what happens in these types of relationships:
You receive both:
bonding and abandonment
loving and loathing
child like vulnerability couple with adult mystique
support and sabotage
fun and then rage
the most wonderful soul mate you could have imagined as well as the sickest relationship you could experience all in one package
calculated and impulsive
idolized and devalued
aloof and super connected
kind and sadistic
capable and helpless
We are ping ponging all over the place. No wonder I walked on egg shells during the entire relationship
It really does help to write a list of all the awful things he has done - so any time you feel weak, or he is turning up the charm - you can look back and remember what a snake he truly is.
I also recommend getting the book Women Who Love Too Much. It really explains why we (me, us - you and I) choose these men, how to identify those behaviors in the future (so we don't pick another one just like him) and strategies to learn to love ourselves and live a full and fulfilling life with or without a man.
Welcome! Hugs and strength to you on your journey!