Welcome, Belle,
I'm sure this last round has left you feeling traumatized! Yes, keep taking it one day at a time. You're on your journey up and out of this pattern! You're on your way to healing from your dad's death and the abandonment you experienced from that! Thank God for your new job!

Thanks - these days feel so dark. I truly thought I had overcome something when I left my fiance 1.5 years ago. I left everything behind in that life and tried to heal myself. I am so ashamed that on the first try back at really living again I really screwed up. I let a man into my life that I was not even initially attracted to. A man who has more issues and is sicker than sick. I let him in to do more damage. Parts of that relationship look good. I was feeling good in certain parts of it. I felt like I had changed only to be left back at square one. He abandoned me - one of my biggest fears. I am trying so hard to understand why my biggest fear always comes true?

Most of what I've read by several psychology professionals, explains the "why" as being that we are trying for a different outcome with someone who we identify as being like the person who has hurt us originally. In most cases, that is, for us females, our dad's. Something that happened with that parent hurt us so deeply and we felt so rejected or abandoned by them that we are looking for someone who will provide a different outcome. In general, they say, we will look for a mate that is a lot like our fathers.

I know I have a lot of reading to do about this and really need to speak to a therapist. I am so strapped for cash right now I am not sure when the therapist can happen. I am just so perplexed at how I end up with these people. This is the 3rd guy in a row. The first one left me high and dry and I no longer know where he is. The 2nd abandoned me in the sense that he just left me alone most of the time and had girlfriends while we were still engaged and living together. The 3rd was an old friend. I knew his family & yet he abandoned me in a great time of need. Has turned off his phone and doesn't return any messages - although I stopped leaving them a while ago. It's just unbelievable to me.

Welcome to the board. If you are in the US or Canada, there are normally Domestic Violence agencies available that offer counseling at no cost. In the meantime, I would be great if you get the book this board was named after WWL2M by Robin Norward. You can normally get from the libarary even if you have no cash and it will explain to you exactly how you end up with these men.


You story shows TONS of red flags that someone that is on alert to a dangerous man would have seen. I do not say that to shame you. Every single one of us on this board were deceived by these types of men, who come on strong and then drop their mask of sanity and show us what they are really like.

I am saying that so that you protect yourself in the future. Now that you know what you are dealing with you have to put up boundaries so you do not end up in the same horrible situation again (or worse).

The coming on strong and then the rapid devalue and discard (leaving you with any warning or giving you any closure) are all common behaviors of the pathological.

Once you have some money, I would implore you to buy the book: How to Spot a Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown. Yours was a card carrying dangerous man and you would have seen the signs if you had known better. I wish I knew about that book before my horrible relationship, but I can't turn back the clock just move forward better informed and hopefully healed.

Obviously no one here is a mental health professional so we are not qualified to diagnose someone that we have never met, but certainly from the behavioral examples that you gave he sounds like he has the typical characteristics of a narcissist Personality Disorder as well anti-social due to the previous criminal behavior). Here is the criteria from the DSM for both. Constant lying, cheating, stealing, the inability to accept responsibility for their own behavior, no regard for social order and pleas for pity are all consistent pathological behavior.


NPD:

An grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Believes he is special and unique and can only be understood by with other special or high status people or institutions
Requires excessive admiration
Has a sense of entitlement
Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends
Lacks empathy
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him
Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes

ANTI SOCIAL PD:

Failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors
Deceitfulness
Impulsivity or failure to plan ahead
Irritability and aggressiveness as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults
Reckless disregard for the safety of self or others
Consistent irresponsibility as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations
Lack of remorse as indicated by being indifferent about having hurt, mistreated or stolen from another.
Manipulativeness
Insincerity
Egocentricity
Lack of guilt

Pity:

From the book: The Sociopath next door by Martha Stout


The author is a therapist and said that when one of her patients asks her: Who can I trust again and what is the biggest sign of danger, the answer (which surprised me) is PITY.

She said is it what like best, crave the most and their most important tool for manipulation.

Pity and sympathy are forces for good when they are reactions do deserving who have fallen on misfortune. But when these sentiments are wrested out of us by people whose behavior is consistently antisocial, this is a sure sign that something is wrong, a potentially useful danger signal that we often overlook.

Perhaps the most easily recognized example is the BATTERED WIFE whose sociopath husband beats her, then sits at the tables, head in his hands, moaning that he can not control himself and that he is a poor wretch who she must find it in her heart to forgive.

Sociopaths have no regard whatsoever for the social contract, but they know to use it to their advantage.

When deciding whom to trust, bear in mind that the combination of consistently bad behavior (i.e., lying) or inadequate behavior with frequent plays for your pity is as close to a warning mark on a conscienceless persons forehead as you will ever be given.

Sociopathy is the inability to process emotional experiences, including love and caring. Sociopathy is an aberration in the ability to have and not appreciate real (non-calculated) emotional experience and therefore to connect with other people within real (non-calculated) relationships. Conscience never exists without the ability to love, and Sociopathy is ultimately based in lovelessness.

A sociopath is someone who fails to conform to social norms, who is never monogamous, or who fails to honor financial obligations.

Sociopathy is, at its very essence, ice cold like a dispassionate game of chess.

p.s. Just know like a true pathological he will be back around for more supply soon. As soon as you are in good place, he will pop up like a jack in the box.

Protect your self now from removing him from your phone (if you have a smart phone you can block him from calling or texting you) and block him from your email. The only hope you have of healing is No Contact:


http://www.thenarcissistandpsychopath.yolasite.com/no-contact.php

SusyP,
Thank you sooo much for your response. I take no offense whatsoever! I just got back from a girls weekend where I was more honest with my girlfriend's than I have ever been. One of them recommended the book which led me to this group. I am so tired of following this relationship pattern of the highs and the lows and it poisoning every other part of my life. I am in the fight of my life and I need to chase this like I chased the love.
I have blocked him in every way that I can think of right now. He doesn't know my work number. I booted him off my facebook. The only thing that really really scares me is this: I tried to contact him 500 ways from Sunday to get an answer as to why he did this to me after telling me to just sit tight & telling me that he would always be there for me. I really really wanted to an answer. He never responded to anything. Nothing. Like he is dead but I know he isn't. Therefor in my head I am really convinced that I will never hear from him again. This scares me because if I do, which I don't believe I will, I think it's really going to shock me especially if I am in a good place and moving on. My thinking is that someone who runs as far away as he did - turning his phone off so that it just goes directly to VM for over a month - will disappear forever.

I understand why you would think that. It is a normal logical thought. You simply do not understand the mind of the pathological yet. Please read the link I posted above. MEMORIZE it. It will explain why you got no closure from him. There is never closure with a pathological. NEVER. It is called the devalue and the discard.

Devalue: You are not longer worthy
Discard: You are thrown away like a used kleenex because a new form of supply has arrived on the scene. As soon as she gets her fill, he will be back. So just keep him blocked and be prepared. I have not heard from mine in over a year, but I have him blocked 20 which ways. Sandra Brown (my personal hero and you will here me quote her until you want to DIE) says in 20 years of being counselor she has never had even 1 that did not pop back up, even thought it took 10 years. She letting you know so you can be prepared to maintain no contact even if he comes back around.

I feel like he has done the No Contact thing to me because he thinks that I was the problem all of the time. That his leaving me shell shocked was his kiss off to me even though I know he was the one who had the rage & temper issues. He would project all of his stuff onto me all the time.

Reading thru your story, I've been exactly where you are...to a TEE, exactly what you're describing. I'm struggling now the same as you. One of my girlfriends told me yesterday that the way to forget a man is to replace them with a new man...this most definately is NOT the answer for me or for YOU. You will replace with the same man. May not look the same or smell the same but will just be the same. I am at a cross roads in my life, possibly as you are...we can continue to start from scratch over and over with this "man" we can continue to put our energy into this "man" or we can put our energy into OURSELVES! Where it rightfully belongs...fight the fight for ourselves and our children. I guarantee you, if you do not fix this it will continue because it's a cycle & it can only be broken by you. For me everytime I date one of these men it's another shot of heroin in my arm and a total relapse to my sobriety...I feel sad and empty when I do not have a crap relationship to focus on...is it because I'm too scared to look at the issue I have with myself? are they just too painful. It's almost like what would I possibly have if I didn't have that? Like an alcoholic who doesn't know how they could ever have fun without a drink? Maybe you can relate to this? These men are so common, there is nothing special about them, textbook as evident in the commonalities between them...think what if you had put the time, energy and money into yourself or your home instead of them how much further you'd be along...I know for me, it's too much to even imagine. You're not alone...I think it's obvious this a well traveled road unfortunately for the women on this site and more out there...many more...I'm gonna make a change, I hope you are committed to that too. I believe that you cannot do it alone, so don't try. Get the book, find a counselor, the YWCA can help and does have support groups, focus on self for once, this is what I will do...let's do it together...you can reach me on this website I will check daily if you want to communicate like this or my email is apriljoy0424@yahoo.com. I'll do it with you...

I have a question: I am disabled, I have Multiple Sclerosis, and there are a lot of things I can't do anymore. My husband helps me with PT, pushes me down the ramp in my wheelchair, does all the driving, most of the cooking, (I can't get my wheelchair into the kitchen so I could cook) He just sticks things wherever. I am torn, because I don't think I could get this much help anywhere else. He fits the description of a NARC and a PATH. My daughter (18) and I walk on eggshells. He hasn't physically abused us, but the verbal and emotional abuse is getting harder and harder to take. My question is, Does anyone know what we can do?

I love reading all the posts, and I feel so welcome. Thank you all!

Belle,

Since you moved in with this guy so quickly, I just bumped up an article I posted a while ago called: Signs you are with a controller. This is my favorite part:

2. Quick Attachment and Expression: The Controller has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to a Controller is how quickly he or she says, I Love You, or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating youll hear that youre the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. Youll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the honeymoon phase - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying, If its too good to be true, it probably is (too good to be true)! You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that youll miss the major point - it doesnt make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship, because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. Its true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause a Controller to detach from you as quickly as they committed. A Controller typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

Hey Docruth,

You should post your story seperately so that more people will have an opportunity to read it. I am very sorry that you have MS. My cousin also has it and I know it can very scary. Also you are in a very precarious posisition if you have a pathological for a caretaker.

I don't really know how to answer this right now, so I will think about it a while.

This chapter for me is CLOSED with him. Blocked him all around. When he left our place he left a number of useless personal clothing and some sheets and other odds & ends. I am tossing them in the dumpster tonight. That is my closure and my final see you, wouldn't want to be you. I've learned so much! i thought he was different because he was a bit more of a caretaker to me than the last N was - he used his personal time with me to lure me in more. The past N used his money. This N would always say I do everything for you! When in reality, he would do me small favors if he was in the mood. The rest of the time he was putting me down for things beyond my control or just being unreasonably rude & cold. No more. He is a loser from the core & I felt a bit sorry for him. Ick. I can not wait until he is just a distant memory.
It would be nice to have a new distraction but I am not going down that route. I am going to be sticking with myself and my good friends and get this stuff all worked out before I even think about dating again. There's a lot of work to be done and I don't have anymore patience for the wrong man right now.