Hi! And welcome.

First of all, I think you have every right to feel 'bitter' and even be a bitch about things. There is a reason you feel this way. I think women in our culture are raised so often to feel like we always have to be the nice one. I think you may need to feel your feelings and allow yoursefl to be a bitch for a while, before you can actually process everything and move on. If you never let your feelings of resenment fully out, you will never be able to move past them.

What this the reason you don't want to let your guard down with the new guy?

Have u seena counselor? Agood one canhelp you but i haveto admit that idont know how women get thru it. I kicked mine out (affairs one reason) after my son turned 18 though im pretty sure it was all planned on myexes behalf. I would have a hard time dealing with younger kids and the new female. I am still angry after 5 years apart. But then i had 30 years of narcissistic manipulation toget over. Counselinghas helped me alot.

Thank you both for your responses!!! i was seeing a counsellor and it helped a lot... she has moved away and I just have been putting off starting over with someone new... and
I guess my guard is up because I was so blindsided... I truly believed I had married my soulmate and we would be together forever... I had no doubts... so fast forward to now... all I have are doubts... I just can't imagine fully giving my heart to someone again...

Yes, I totally get what you are saying! Me too. Thought he was my soul mate, once you have kids it's hard to give up the dream that you had in your heart and in your head; especially when they prime y ou with all the lies (we are going to grow old together....we will be skating on the bay walk holding hands...bla bla bullshit). That is the hardest part actually is understanding that the dream was a fantasy (if he was a narcissist) and we all have reasons that we stay or don't want to let go of it, usually facing our own self dislikes, our own un-acceptance of ourselves, our own insecurities. The thing is when we get involved so young (I too met mine while I was still in high school) we really don't learn to fully depend on ourselves which helps us to accept ourselves and focus on ourselves and what is important to us.
In order to forgive I believe we have to forgive ourselves first. Forgive ourselves for loving someone more than we loved ourselves, thereby letting ourselves get hurt so deeply we want t hide from the world. We deserve so much better! So much more! Forgive yourself, let go of the "dream" with your ex and wake up to yourself and the life you can live, free from someone that didn't appreciate you or love you the way you deserve. Free to love your life and anything you want to accomplish. When you forgive yourself and focused on your desires, values, neither the ex or his latest wife is important to you, they aren't part of your personal desires in life. Counseling can help you learn to detach...

thank you! beautifully written... and appreciated!

Clearskye~ you didn't have to say another word other than: he cheated. That is one the biggest, most painful violations of trust that a human being can experience. And you wonder why you are being a "bitch" and can't let your guard down? He HURT you. You havea right to be angry, be in pain, and keep your guard UP. That's healthy. Healthy, that is, to the point that much time has passed and you have your guard up with *everyone.

I think it says something that you came here and asked for support. I echo some of the other commenters that a professional therapist may be able to help more than we can. It helps to get it all out. It also helps to share your pain with people who know you and really care about you and can support you in your healing.

I know in a relationship that it always takes two, but: his deceitful actions are not your fault. Remember that. He lacked integrity. Maybe, as you grieve and heal, you can think like this: I am going to show my children what integrity looks like by being a model of integrity to my children, starting with doing what ever it takes to support my own healing. If that's not a reason to go to therapy, what it?

~p

Hi Skye,
In relationships with men, I would categorize a lot of what happened to me as grossly unfair, by the world's standards. The way I have been able to move on is to look back and see the valuable lessons I have learned and to know God can take the most painful things in our lives and turn them into something good and beautiful. When my 30 year marriage went down the tubes because I found out my husband was a criminal, I felt like it was the end of the world. Now, I am so very very grateful to not be with him. I never saw how unhappy I was in the relationship and could not even conceive of divorce until I became even more afraid of getting caught up in his illegal stuff. This divorce was truly a blessing in disguise. Don't be surprised if you find the same to be true. Co-dependent Crazy PS I have a blog on facebook. "Co-dependent Crazy" that you may find helpful!!!

Dear Clearskye,
It's time to move on. Not into a new Relationship but into developing what is laying deep Inside yourself and awaiting to blossom.
The life of your kids also, is their lives. They should feel free of making their own choices about who to love.
You are holding ressentment and this keeps you from moving on.
Live and let live is a slogan from Al-Anon.
You must focus into your own life and not theirs, the life of your ex-husband and his new wife only regards themselves.
You will gain in serenity and freedom as you learn to let go.