Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
I am 45 my new husband is 56.
We met last May 2012and married this May 2013. We have been together since we met, living together ever since!
What attracted me to him was his air of fun, his easy chuckle. He seemed to understand me and we got on easily and very comfortable with him. To be honest he also looked affluent and successful. I fell in love with him when I saw how tender he is when he teaches. He runs a swimming school, teaching children to swim.... and he adored me. Told me he had never been in love before....and was blown away by me.
I do however feel he loves the look of me, I always have to be well dressed and made up, hair done, but I do this anyway. I do feel he may not be so interested in me if I didnt do this! Also sexually he is quite demanding, often entering me in the middle of the night, which to be honest hurts me physically. Not sure if he notices. But we do make love every morning and sometimes in the afternoons too. Thats ok, sometimes I feel as if he is bored and cant think of anything else to do!
He has been married three times, he cheated on all his wives. For which he has a good reason/story to justify this.
We are both self-employed and work from home. I work for him sometimes.
The immediate attraction we felt for each other ( we met dancing Ceroc) has lasted but this man has a strange hold over me, I cant explain how he makes me feel but he is a very strong person. The phrase 'his way or no way' was definately meant for him.! He is also kind loving and generous but alternatively I look at him and he is expressionless and cold.Non reactive.
The problem is that I have an uneasy feeling about the power he has over me in this relationship and I need to regain some! He is a very strong man for sure and I like this but he does impose his wishes upon me and others without hearing or being able to consider their feelings, it seems!
He makes me feel as if I can do nothing to get his respect and admiration - this is what I want. Nothing I seem to do is good enough and I feel like I am a constant disappointment, but he does however say I am an amazing women and such like. Which leave me feeling confused.
For example: I recently managed to get an art gallery to take two of my paintings. ( he told me I need to get some of my work sold, so I worked hard to find a gallery) I was very excited and came home to tell him the news. He was very disappointed in me, that I had let them go for such a low amount ( £1600). I felt crushed to be honest. Very sad.
He talks to me like he is my Father and makes me feel like a child. Im not sure how he does this but it troubles me as i am a strong feisty business women.
He also made me sell my car so we only have his which ties me to the house.
If I want to buy something I have to ask his permission, such as a treadmill, to which he said no.
I used to do volunteer work with children in a local hospice and he made me give this up.
Im not quite sure why I agreed to all these things, but I just want to please him!
If I text him when he has popped out, something sweet and loving, he almost never replies, or spontaneously texts me either. But in the privacy of our bedroom he is loving and kind and holds me tight.
I know I married him quickly and the first year of marriage is often difficult but I need to regain some control and regain some self confidence.
My children say to me, why do you care what he thinks so much? and to be honest Im not sure but I never seem to get there....
I have a feeling this is doomed and he doesnt make me happy but this is my fourth marriage and I dont want to fail. ( Marriage one 12 years, left me when pregnant, marriage two 10 years and I left due to his temper and violence, marriage 3 had BPD and three suicide attempts in 2 years then he left me.)
As a couple we are good together on the whole but there are these issues which make me lie awake at night wondering how I got here!
We met last May 2012and married this May 2013. We have been together since we met, living together ever since!
What attracted me to him was his air of fun, his easy chuckle. He seemed to understand me and we got on easily and very comfortable with him. To be honest he also looked affluent and successful. I fell in love with him when I saw how tender he is when he teaches. He runs a swimming school, teaching children to swim.... and he adored me. Told me he had never been in love before....and was blown away by me.
I do however feel he loves the look of me, I always have to be well dressed and made up, hair done, but I do this anyway. I do feel he may not be so interested in me if I didnt do this! Also sexually he is quite demanding, often entering me in the middle of the night, which to be honest hurts me physically. Not sure if he notices. But we do make love every morning and sometimes in the afternoons too. Thats ok, sometimes I feel as if he is bored and cant think of anything else to do!
He has been married three times, he cheated on all his wives. For which he has a good reason/story to justify this.
We are both self-employed and work from home. I work for him sometimes.
The immediate attraction we felt for each other ( we met dancing Ceroc) has lasted but this man has a strange hold over me, I cant explain how he makes me feel but he is a very strong person. The phrase 'his way or no way' was definately meant for him.! He is also kind loving and generous but alternatively I look at him and he is expressionless and cold.Non reactive.
The problem is that I have an uneasy feeling about the power he has over me in this relationship and I need to regain some! He is a very strong man for sure and I like this but he does impose his wishes upon me and others without hearing or being able to consider their feelings, it seems!
He makes me feel as if I can do nothing to get his respect and admiration - this is what I want. Nothing I seem to do is good enough and I feel like I am a constant disappointment, but he does however say I am an amazing women and such like. Which leave me feeling confused.
For example: I recently managed to get an art gallery to take two of my paintings. ( he told me I need to get some of my work sold, so I worked hard to find a gallery) I was very excited and came home to tell him the news. He was very disappointed in me, that I had let them go for such a low amount ( £1600). I felt crushed to be honest. Very sad.
He talks to me like he is my Father and makes me feel like a child. Im not sure how he does this but it troubles me as i am a strong feisty business women.
He also made me sell my car so we only have his which ties me to the house.
If I want to buy something I have to ask his permission, such as a treadmill, to which he said no.
I used to do volunteer work with children in a local hospice and he made me give this up.
Im not quite sure why I agreed to all these things, but I just want to please him!
If I text him when he has popped out, something sweet and loving, he almost never replies, or spontaneously texts me either. But in the privacy of our bedroom he is loving and kind and holds me tight.
I know I married him quickly and the first year of marriage is often difficult but I need to regain some control and regain some self confidence.
My children say to me, why do you care what he thinks so much? and to be honest Im not sure but I never seem to get there....
I have a feeling this is doomed and he doesnt make me happy but this is my fourth marriage and I dont want to fail. ( Marriage one 12 years, left me when pregnant, marriage two 10 years and I left due to his temper and violence, marriage 3 had BPD and three suicide attempts in 2 years then he left me.)
As a couple we are good together on the whole but there are these issues which make me lie awake at night wondering how I got here!
If you feel controlled, you most likey are. Have you spoken to him about this? A healthy relationship can sustain honest conversation.
Be true to yourself! If you want to do volunteer work, do it. Buy something you want without asking. You got some art work sold - amazing!
Do you have friends outside the relationship? That will help you have an honest perspective on how he treats you.
you are saying things that most wwltm can relate to....
the power definitely sounds off balance to his benefit.
your children know b/c you are/were feisty and are now allowing this man to make decisions for you is probably your best barometer!
personally i don't think it's possible to regain power in a relationship with an abuser (someone who isolates your and makes your decisions for you via manipulation or force etc). but i support you in your efforts for certain.
have you read women who love too much??? codependent no more??? www.baggagereclaim.com??
so glad you've posted and you are aware. you have arrived here before you've completely lost yourself and that is a good thing!!
Its not easy. its not going to be easy. But it can get better. maybe not for the relationship, but for you. You can be in control, and you can learn to never have to go through this again. but its not easy. It means taking a true look at yourself and being honest with yourself.
I keep telling myself this... DO I ever want to be with a man that leaves me doubting him or myself so much that I post on these forums asking people for advice and to validate how I'm feeling?
and the answer is always no.
and i've come to realize ill never be happy if I have to do that. and the guessing will never end as long as I do nothing to stop it. Ive fallen back into old patterns without noticing I was falling.
deep down you know what you need to do. You know what you want to do. your instincts are telling you the truth, whether or not the rest of you wants to believe it. if you are here, posting with us, you know. and you are not alone. we are here.
I know it"s only been a year for you but it doesn't get better......they get worse as the years go by because we are giving them permission to treat us like crap. As time goes by there will be fewer and fewer good times and more and more bad. I said those same things to myself as you are telling yourself now.
Until one day something inside you snaps and you can't stand it anymore....Life is too short to live in misery.
Today is a good day.
I have realised this is happening to me because I am letting it.
No more.
I am not giving up yet on my relationship but I am going to assert myself more and do things to please myself. I have ordered that blooming treadmill too!
His Dad told me before we married that he just isnt the marrying kind...I assumed he meant because of his infidelity but I queeried this with him and he shook his head, saying he just isnt cut out to compromise. ( ALthough his infidelity doesnt make me respect him for sure., !)
Hmmm.
He wont let me buy a car as he says we cant afford to run one, I have called him out on this as I know it is nonsense. He has just employed a cleaner!!! He refuses to do basic domestic cleaning chores and it left me fuming in the kitchen feeling like a 50's housewife....so I stopped doing it! He told me when I moved in that we would share the chores as 'we are a team' so I thought sod it Im not his skivvy!!!
So the car thing - if I want to go out I will take the car, or book a taxi! I am making myself a prisoner here and I can see that!
I know I am a people pleaser and always put myself last... its time to change things and it has to start with me.
I believe if someone loves you they want you to be happy and feel good about yourself, so I dont understand why he didn't want me to get fit and healthy/happy...or why he sits behind me in the car when I drive jeering and ridiculing my driving....this is not the action of a man who wants the best for his spouse. Hmmm again!
Thank you for helping me.
xxx
so glad you're kicking out the glass that is closing in around you! good for you for not letting it happen!
you may discover that he can't handle the loss of control OR that he is adaptable....either way YOU are in the driver's seat of your own life!
I dont know but her perspective is interesting...
Im just sad to have to leave another relationship because I chose badly....again!
But I love this man and feel we do have a connection but I realise that isnt always healthy.
I am applying for my last year of University which he made me give up - I relocated to be with him and he says I dont need my degree as he will look after me - yes that was appealing!
But now I realise it is control, I am constantly manipulated and yes I do let him do that to me, sometimes for an easy life sometimes to not argue and mainly because I want him to love me. Sounds pathetic right.
He is a strong man and I like that - but strong and controling are different arent they?!
One day he says no to work, then the next he says I need to bring in some money, then I start job hunting and then its no we can manage don't work....I would miss you too much.....
?!?!!?!
Your daughter is probably partly correct, but that's not your problem. No matter what you do for him or how much you obey him, you will not help him get better. I used to think that. If I show him how much I love him by obeying his every command, he will feel better and realize he doesn't have to control so much. But that's not what happens. You can't heal him. You have to heal yourself. There is a reason why you are willing to live like this, you just have to figure out what that reason is.
For me, my parents divorced when I was 6 and my father stopped coming to visit altogether when I was 15. I believe my mother is Borderline. My husband and mother act extremely similar. It was easy for me to fit into this role. It is familiar. I lived with this crazy stuff my whole life. I am co-dependent. Read books on co-dependency. It helped me see the light.
Yes you are right, being strong and being controlling are 2 different things. 22 years ago my husband told me I had to stop working when my first child was born because he believed mothers should stay home for their kids. I liked that and wanted to do that and I also liked the idea of someone taking care of me. Fast forward 22 years, he's complaining about money and how everyone is "using" him, so I said ok I'll try to get a part time job to help and he says "You would do that to me?" What does that mean, they make no sense. Obviously he didn't make me stay home for the kids, it was about controlling me.
I am still with my NH. I have been working on myself for the past 2 years. It's a very long road. I have no self confidence. I am taking baby steps. It is hard because the more I try to assert myself, the more he feels out of control and then he rages.
Don't let this happen to you. You're only 1 year in. After 25 years it's very hard to change. I don't usually reply to too many posts because I don't feel like I have alot to offer, but something about your post struck me. I felt the same way you do now. Try to help yourself now. I am 51 and feel like my best years were wasted. Don't let that happen to you.
Good Luck
I am 46 and already feel time slipping through my fingers, one f the reasons we married so quickly, he is 56.
I was a carer to my last husband who was borderline. I also know about co-dependency.
I am here to learn how to change. I want to and need to but cannot imaging being different to how I am, maybe just on my own with cats. ( he made me give them up too) and my car, and my house....silly silly me. I let it happen.
I was tired and wanted someone to take the strain from me.
But I am strong inside I know it somewhere.
I want to be that girl.
x
you already are that girl....go forth and be proactive. get a car. get some cats. get some independence. get your voice most of all.
I don't post much on here but, your story rings so close to my own (except we're not married) I left my independent life behind to move in with him and had a son who is now 5 1/2 .
In the beginning he swept me off my feet I was so intoxicated by him and the sexual chemistry we had I let all the red flags slip by , even though I would tell my girl friends I felt there was something not right.
It's been 7yrs now and we've broke up and gotten back so many times I've lost count.
Please listen to your gut , deep down you know all the answers and when you feel strong enough you will listen and do what is best for you . This group got me through a lot of confusion of my own .
I've attached a post from the news section of the group there is a lot of helpful reading if you have time check it out, it's at the top of the page to the left.
stay strong, and blessings to you.
Posted by SusyP - 06/04/11, 06:20 am
By Sandra Brown
The main problem women have after leaving pathological men is obtrusive constant thoughts of the relationship and cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously.
The main part of these pathological men is that show up as one thing, but they are something entirely different. This is a disorder of social hiding. This is an individual that is PROFOUNDLY disturbed but looks normal. In a normal relationship you dont have 2 different people to deal with. Here you are breaking up with dark side and the charmer.
What you miss is the charmer. What you broke up with is the dark side (and only true side).
Their disorder is this called the mask of sanity for a reason. They appear normal (better then normal - sweet, charming, handsome) but they are something else all together. These men have known they were different since they were children they are experts at hiding their dark side. If they showed you who they were, you would have gone running into the night screaming.
Here are some examples of what happens in these types of relationships:
You receive both:
bonding and abandonment
loving and loathing
child like vulnerability couple with adult mystique
support and sabotage
fun and then rage
the most wonderful soul mate you could have imagined as well as the sickest relationship you could experience all in one package
calculated and impulsive
idolized and devalued
aloof and super connected
kind and sadistic
capable and helpless
We are ping ponging all over the place. No wonder I walked on egg shells during the entire relationship.
First things first, how did we got into this situation? Any words that I inserted are in italics.
From Page 51 on How to Spot Dangerous Man:
It was shocking to see how women chose to get involved with dangerous or pathological men out of boredom. Equally disconcerting was seeing how women continue to date dangerous men because they refused to evaluate their own histories. What was most noteworthy was the overwhelming need of most of the women to not be alone. There was an unspoken fear of long term abandonment, which turned out for most women to equate to not currently dating.
For the women I interviewed, the idea of dating someone causally for a lengthy period was fairly obsolete. These women were in a hurry to get into a relationship. Most implied they were above dating for mere attention. None wanted to admit they feared loneliness, abandonment, or the status of not dating; they exhibited these fears in the way they downplayed the behavior of the dangerous man.
Women who got involved with dangerous men usually dated intensely and allowed the relationship to get sexual quickly. They moved in with him within months of meeting him or married him impulsively during the first year of the relationship. Others were knowingly and willingly available for married men.
Who He Is
Of course, he does not enter a womans life announcing he is a deceitful, pathologically-disordered, power mongrel incapable of
anything more than surface attachment and is so brain-challenged he can not love! They present themselves initially as intensely interested in her, passionately loving, abundantly caring, and almost suffocatingly so.
The illusion is that:
He was normal
He was in love with you
He was what he said he was
And he did what he said he did.
In pathology, thats never the case.
Their attachments are surface (which is not love)
They are mentally disordered (which is not normal)
They never present themselves as disordered/sexually promiscuous/and incapable of love (so he was not what he said he was)
And they harbor hidden lives filled with other sex partners, hook ups, criminality, or illegal/moral behavior (so they dont disclose what he is really up to).
What you had (that you cant possibly miss) is a pathological relationship. What you miss, is the ability to wrap yourself up like a blanket in the illusion to go back to the time before you knew this was all illusion.
Me to Husband: are you happy?
Husband: Yes but I would be happier if you were happier.
Me to Husband: What makes you think I am not happy?
Husband: I just have that feeling.
Me to Husband: How does that make you feel?
Husband, quietly.: Scared.