Hello there, I've started recently reading the book "Women who love too much" because a friend recommended it. My case isnt' as awful as a lot of the stories I've heard but I find myself in a situation that while my mind tells me it isn't healthy, my impulses just yell at me to get back there and solve it.
I don't like to be excused by my parent's relationship, but the books says that we transport our previous behaviour as a child to our relationships, so let's give it a try, though I actually think that our behaviour is our own fault..
My parents had a really messy relationship, they were always fighting and yelling at each other, and many times I used to think it was my own fault because during those arguments, the fact I wasn't exactly planned would come up and I would feel unwanted, like Ive ruined their lifes. I would have all this pressure to have excellent grades (and I did) or else I would be yelled at and said to "not create more problems that we already had enough".
When I tried to express my feelings I would hear that "I had never lacked anything, I had everything I wanted (materil stuff) so I had no problem at all and I was simply being selfish and spoiled". My both parents had depression, first my mother (still is) then my father and my mother specifically accused me of being the cause of my father's depression (because I went to college). My parents used to say awful things to me and then justify it by saying I made them so angry that they would say it. I've never had a boyfriend, I was too scared that my parents would think I was a slut or something like that (yeah.. they probably would trip over it and maybe they wouldn't but I don't know, It scared me! so I basically ran away from boys- the fact that they are really strict also helped)
I got into college and everything fell apart, I felt depressed plus i had my parents depressed and it felt like a pit from where I couldnt get out, but I did.. kinda. I always atract people that in a way or another hurt me, by making me harm, I hang onto those until I get to a point where I suffer so much that I have to let them go. Every single time hurts just as the first.
I've met my (now ex) boyfriend at college and at first it was everything well, he just came out of a surgery and I would nurture him and prepare him food and go study with him. We would fight, and say mean things and I would get hurt by what he said.. but I couldn't wait till he apologized, I would feel the need to call him so he would see his mistakes and he would finally see them and apologize (or kind of, because on the next fight he would throw that thing he apologized for and say I've caused it that after all it was my fault for making him say those hurtful things). During summertime I came home and he was busy with his work at his city so we didn't talk much and I would be having many probems with my parents. I felt left alone and we fought a lot during that time (yap, via skype). I understood that he had to work, but many times we would have this time before bed and he would see I wasn't okay and I sensed that he didn't care that much. We started a new year and I would just feel that he didn't care, he asked me for a time and I would feel that I was trying and trying and trying and he was just pushing me away. We came back but I would just be really hurt, he would say he would have patience, but at the first thing he would break up with me (like 4 or 5 times now) and I would let time pass, say it was the last time and after some time I would feel guilty and call him and go see him and make it okay again, he would say we would grow together and we would both change. This last time, he broke up with me via phone 2 times the weak before because I started crying because i'm too sensitive and he would say that he didn't feel like contnuing this argument and would just go, every time i tried to express myself. I finally told him if you don't feel like it, just pass on everything, and he said OK... after that one I called and everything was okay again. I went back to college this weak and monday we fought and it was my fault, he conducted himself well and wednesday I was so fed up with arguments (he argued about getting somewhere in time and I argued that i didn't want to argue lol) so i told him lets break up in the 3rd time he walked away after i chased him. I tried to talk to him the next day, he didn't want to. So I went friday and we talked, he said I was selfish with him that i didn't treat him right.. and the truth is that i could have been more understanding and more caring... but I was working on it... i've told him it was just one week, and i basically begged for another shot at it.. i've never thought i would get so low.. but he said no.
Now I just feel remorse.. and I don't know how to change these