Hi Under,

I think most of the women here can "get it".....I think the wonderful thing about having an understanding of your condition, addiction, whatever we choose to call it....is that you can call a spade a spade. As I read over your post, you already know why you are stuggling, why you mind is creating a thousand different scenario...you are scared that he may not "need" you anymore.

For me this is the hard part...this is the moment where I have to be still and be uncomfortable. This is where you have to pull from your other sources, prayer, journaling, meditation. This is where you confront your truth head on. He has a new job (that reality), he doesn't need you (that's a story you are telling yourself), for us being needed equates to being loved. In order to separate truth from fiction, we have to choose truth even when we don't want to, even when we are scared, even when it hurts, even when calling him and trying to get his reassurance would surely make us feel better but make him feel hounded.

You have been doing the work, I can tell. You are here, you know what is going on with you. Now you act on your behalf.

Thank you! Yes, I have have been doing the work and the work does pay off when the triggers kick in. Still not easy though. I have been praying a lot the last few days. I need to do some journaling as well. As far as truth I tell myself - he has not cut off contact, it is just sparse - the reason is a new job and all of the stresses that come with that. When something big has happened this week I get a random text "can u believe a guy fell asleep on the job" and "I just got paid and they are paying me more than promised!". My "Good mornings" are being returned - a little late but returned. I am staying away from the "good nights" because I do not want to smother. He needs his space right now and I have to accept that without over-reacting. My condition, as you well put it, makes me over-react. I need to accept the status-quo of our relationship is going to change because his life is changing. Change is difficult for us. Lots of deep breathing!!! These are the times we know how far we have come from where we once were!

UndercoverAngel, This is going to sound like a really odd suggestion, but it's working for me, so I thought I'd throw it out there.

A few years ago, a friend gave me a book on OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). He said that, obviously, I don't have OCD, but that the book helped with other issues as well. I thanked him kindly, read the book - and thought "Wow, those poor people, I sure am glad I don't have OCD" and then I tossed it onto a shelf and forgot about it.

A week ago, while spinning my wheels over the same topic for the thousandth time, I thought that maybe I was obsessing and I pulled the book out and am rereading it now. Though I didn't think I was having completely 'irrational' thoughts, I have been digging myself a hole in misery over something that I didn't think was true and that I can't do anything about anyway - I was driving myself crazy with destructive thoughts that are bad for me.

By using the tools the book offers for dealing with obsessive thoughts, I am doing so much better it is ridiculous.

The compulsive aspect of the book really relates as well. Doing internal housekeeping a few days ago, I came across some info about me that really altered the way I think of myself. The first thing I did was to panic, and the second thing I did was to go buy a six pack and plan a nice evening of misery and drunken gloom. A well-timed song on the radio pointed out that wasn't what I should be doing - and I stopped and rethought how I wanted to handle how I was feeling. This is when I sat down and read more about compulsive behavior. I realized that I have a long history of knee-jerk reactions of dealing with things that is not healthy at all. I got through the evening and journaled my way through the issue and feel much better now. The six-pack is still in my trunk :).

The book is called "Brain Lock" by Jeffery M Schwartz, and, if you are open to working from a different direction, it really might help you to feel better.

I don't know you or your BF, and I don't know the nature of your relationship, so I can't offer you reassurance that everything will be fine, but I can tell you that you're doing OK. You're here posting, and that's a good place to me right now, right?

I am open to anything that will keep me from spinning and overreacting at a moments notice. I am going to look into this book. Thank you! Knee-jerk reactions are the worst. I have to HALT and access the issue. The best reaction is no reaction until you are calm - and then no reaction is typically still best. My job has helped me tremendously with this. i am a paralegal for a family law firm. I deal with people and their over-reactions on a daily basis. I can look and say WOW - that was me and if I am not careful it could be me again in a flat second.

Exactly! Knee-jerk reactions are bad awful. What used to kill me was that I'd obsess over something until I decided that I had to do something about it, that if I took action I could make it all stop. But choosing to do something about an irrational obsession - well, let's just say that the results were predictable - compulsive reactions to irrational obsessions are never pretty. I am so grateful to be able to see this with some perspective now, but I have to be ever vigilant to keep this madness at bay.

Actually recognising the 'crazies' is positive progress and everyone here understands exactly what they are and how they can paralyze you in an instant ! A lot of us WWLTM are co-dependents, co -alcholics or whatever either in addiction to men or recovering from it........ we can spend much of our lives, wasting our precious time on second guessing men who aren't worth our time or energy. Better to recognise the obsessive thoughts , muster every ounce of strength you may have ( and if you in an abusive or Narc relationship, there may not be much of that!),and try and just 'Be', breathe and stay in the moment. I am a recovering WWLTM, 3 years on this site which is amazing, as are the ladies on it :) It isn't crazy or mad, we are just emotionally fragile or emotionally disregulated women, you wouldn't stereotype or call-out someone with any other physical or mental condition, ours is that of the heart, of the soul, of the spirit, of our emotions. We battle on! ((((((((((((((((((Hugs to all )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yes I understand those crazy obsessive thoughts also! I also have reacted to them impulsively and gotten those terrible consequences. For me I am learning to control those thoughts. When they come I can meditate and try and calm myself down and empty my brain! Also I can just talk to myself and tell myself "oh yes I remember you my obsessive brain, I am choosing to bring you back to reality." Then I look around at something concrete wherever I am and I continue this process until they go away for a little while. Or if I am in the right frame of mind and have the time I can journal about them and see what the true issue is. Am I feeling lonely? Needy? unloved? and Why am I feeling this way? Am I tired, hungry, in fear of something etc. All of these work great if I remember to take care of me. That is the hardest part. It is so much easier to go to avoidance and escapism, but these only bring me suffering.So remember "TAKE CARE OF ME" first and everything else will then workout as it is suppose to!

Just try to practice patience and keep reminding yourself of the fact that he is simply going through a life change. You are already doing this, so that is a great thing...keep doing that. Try to see the big picture...how do you think things will be in a couple months time?

Try not to worry too much and focus on doing things that need to be done...or nice things for yourself. But don't be too hard on yourself over your codependent reaction. Expect some of that...it's something you are working on and can't completely control...

hi,

You know what you are feeling is insecurity....that you will lose him. In the past also if you look back...we all have this insecurity only which is the root cause of all our actions...rational irrational.

Now that we know...that we are insecure women what are we going to do about it? One we need to tell ourselves that as we havent beeen into healthy relationships in the past...such insecurity is understandable. What we need to change is... our reaction to such feelings. You tell yourself...YES I am feeling insecure ..like I have felt in the past so many times...but my reactions didnt help in the past...if a relationship has to end it will...as it has nevr done any good to me....so let me change it.

Keep yourself busy......send a text everyday ...may be a good morning one and dont call him. Trust me he will call up once he wants to...and if he doesnt...so be it....he is not worthy of any efforts.(it may sound like a teenager talking..but its simple and correct)

Just take yourself easy...

hi im new on here but am also co-dependant and sat here not knowing if im in or out of a relationship, we went away for 10 days and it was brilliant we came back last sunday and i had a strop over something pathetic and then came back to his after going to mine and cried and shouted as i so want to live with him, its a messed up relationship as we met and a few days later i went to his and never really left but he never asked me to go either, so unless im a mind reader how the hell was i supposed to go away if he never said it and seemed happy i was there, but the bad thing is i found out a few weeks in after he said he loved me and that he could marry me (hes been married 3 times and cheated on in all of them) that he had always been on the dateing site/s we had met on, so was devastated and up until about 6 weeks ago he was always on them when he said he wasnt, now i know in my head that its wrong and i should walk away but i love him so much and he finished with me 6 weeks ago then got back with me because he thought WE could work it out, i have but he has done nothing apart from come off date sites ( i have checked), he said he never met anyone he just wanted to chat to people... but how can you have a relationship when 1 person has being doing wrong all the time you dont really stand a chance of being yourself as your so wrapped up in whats he doing whos he talking to, is he at work or out meeting women and he never texts or rings me but then i dont really give him time to miss me or anything, i know i havent given him space but as before im not a mind reader so how do i know when he wants it or if he wants me to be there if he doesnt communicate, he is a manager in his job and its very stressful so i try not to make life hard between us but it seems all i do is cry because he wont be straight with me, also when we are happy which is most of the time we go for a few weeks say 5/6 and he has to do something to mess it up so i then start questioning him and the suspicions start again, why would someone do this why not just say no i dont want it, he has many issues and only he can help himself i know that now as i tried to help fix him..... he says he doesnt deserve me as im so loving and kind etc etc so why hurt me?? because he can he says and im still here mad or what but its so hard to walk away as thats what i should do really, but why treat someone like hes treated me why not get rid of me and get another woman who cheats on him and takes him for what he can give them i just dont get it, you would think someone like that would want a good relationship wouldnt you?? i used to work until 4 years ago when i hurt my back so now do nothing and when i met him i wanted to do for him dinner clean etc because i love him and it gave me a reason to live, we both lost partners mine was killed and his died of cancer 5 years ago, he even got mad that i had people around me and he didnt and that i have got through it better because of that so why not go and get the help then he did he had soem counselling but hasnt gone back when he said he would hes such a good bloke really heart of gold but messed up because of other women, well thats how i see it because he used to be faithful with them and now he just seems to be in destruct mode with anyone and anything that gets near him...... sorry waffling here but i dont know what else to do