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WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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NC - I messed up :-(

UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
Knew my first weekend without him and his girls would be tough, I stayed busy with my daughter yesterday. I went to church this morning where I was asked all kinds of questions about New Years and my BF. My daughter and his have been texting and playing online (his daughter appears to know nothing), All that triggered me big time! I sent him a text. I immediately deleted it so I could not obsess over checking if he read it or not. I've done well and I am trying not to beat myself up over it but I was weak. This is the only contact I have had with him since the break a week ago. When we had our final talk (that was like torture to get him to do) as y'all know) we talked about being best friends - his rationalization to keep in touch with me. Anyway - I told him in the text that "it had been a week and I still felt like I had been kicked in the gut. I can't seem to turn my brain off and had been doing a lot of thinking and praying. I now see things that he and I both could have done to meet each others needs. The tragic part is we were capable of doing that if the needs had just been discussed. I miss my best friend". All of those things are true and i wanted to pick up my phone 100 times this week and send hm random text about my day as we both did up until the morning of the break-up. I know I messed up and should have held it in but I am still pretty proud of myself for just that one slip up so far. I do miss him - one day fine to one day broken up and no contact further is just too dang hard!! UGH!! No - he has not responded and I do not expect him to.
RockinBunny
RockinBunny
((HUGS))

I feel bad when people who break NC say they messed up. You didn't 'mess up'; HE messed up, by not paying attention to what your last name was, and doing all that other charming stuff that was in your list!

You were 'called back to him'. It's not good for you, it's true, but it's not messing up. Well done for keeping it to only one text... and you know what you gotta do if he texts back, right? Keep that list handy!

Take care and hugs xxx
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
Thank you - I feel better now! He won't respond because that would mean he has to deal with something that he is not capable of dealing with. Just in case, Yes, keep the list handy! I actually made a pros and cons list today since it as a rough day and i needed to channel that neediness. Lets say the cons sadly outweighed the pros by a long way - why is it I keep going back to the pros and missing those?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi Under,

I hate it when I disappoint myself. I make a plan and then I convince myself to do something else all together. Going no contact was the choice you made and then you chose something else. I think we all can relate. I wonder in that moment before you texted him what you were feeling. There is a running theory in regards to WWLTM that we use men to distract ourselves from our own pain. Do you find that to be true for you, maybe not?
I am getting good at feeling my own pain and not focusing on him. When I start obsessing about him it is a clear indicator to me that I am trying not to focus on something else. So, then I get still and listen and feel and see what I really going on. Most times the need to call passes. Don't feel bad about contacting him. Why? What have you lost by calling him? It seems to me that making that choice has given you some insight into where you are at. So, seeing it that way....nothing has been lost.
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
I know exactly why contacted him. I was in pain. Like I said to him - it has been a week and I still feel like I have been kicked in the gut. Going to church this morning and feeling the fresh pain when I saw some of oldest friends was almost more than I could bear. So a distraction from pain is an excellent way to put it. I knew he would not respond so that was not it - pain it must have been. Thank you for your insight.
Group FounderDracona
Dracona
You have a psych background. you know exactly what was going on, and i know how mind boggling the whole thing can be. I remember in breaking NC at times in moments of weakness... the hardest part to realize was that they were not quick to respond, or they did not respond at all, and i then found myself wanting to text again... to get that validation, even negative attention, because anything was better than feeling devalued and discarded, even though I had initially made the choice to go NC. i had to remind myself that i was doing NC for myself, and not for him. NC is a very precarious time... it is the most dangerous time for the partners attempting to leave the relationship, and it also tests your strength and forces you to be alone with your own thoughts. dont think about the past. dont think about tomorrow. just focus on right now. you can do this.
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
Truer words have not been spoken Dracona, Thank you.
finnmyway
finnmyway
(((((((angel))))))))

tomorrow is a new day!
shani96
shani96
Hey I sent one text at one week of NC also. It dug in like a knife and so I was back to NC. I then texted once again at a super week moment 4 weeks later! It was when I ran into the other woman he was seeing. I handled her just fine, so I thought I would handle texting him just fine. NOT so. That text sent me over the edge into a deep depression. But not long after that I was able to break down the barriers of denial and finally move on. I did text him on Xmas to thank him for getting me out of my marriage and Then I texted him once more on Jan 1, his birthday. I texted him this last time for me. I had dreamed of spending his birthday with him when we were together and I told myself if I can hang in there with the NC till his birthday (3 Months) then I will allow myself to wish him happy birthday. So I did. There was not much emotion in it and and just a simple Happy Birthday.....Then I ran into him!! about 1 week ago or 3 1/2 months of NC. I was shaking, but had absolutely no desire to talk to him or even look at him. I am completely done with him thank God! The NC really works, even if you have to slip up here and there. So don't beat yourself up. It works if you are trying and I know you are really trying hard. It is not easy.
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
I woke up this morning in panic. I felt fine when I went to bed last night then this morning replayed the whole break-up in my mind. I felt the devalue and discard like it was a knife in my back! It is crazy how sending a stupid text can do that. I could barely breathe. I just want to wake up and be OK. The sad thing is I know he read it and discarded it as easily as he did me. Sorry for the pity party.
shani96
shani96
Try to stay out of the conclusions. You don't know if he read it or how he feels. You are only causing yourself pain. By your words you need to nurture yourself more. Think good things of yourself. We all can go to the pitty pot, but it only brings us further down. Our minds and thoughts can only have power over us if we let them.

Someone told me this once and It really had an impact.: I will have thoughts....ie..he read my text... what is he thinking..But I do not have to keep the thought going. ie..he probably discarded it as he did me...

Instead I can welcome the thought at my front door and say to myself..thank you for showing up but I am not going to invite you into my house, set you down and offer you a drink and entertain you! No I am shutting the door now and waiting for my next thougt to knock on my door.

You see we cannot make the thoughts go away or not come at all, but we can not keep them going. We can achknowlege them and yet not entertain them. Try this and see what happens.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Shani,

that seems like a great technique and I am going to try it. lots of time I invite a thought to stay, give it a bath, put baby powder on it, and put if to bed right beside me.
shani96
shani96
Izzy, if you concentrate on it and visualize it, it really works well! You can see yourself entertaining the thoughts that you really don't like. so you escort them back out the door.! And don't worry another thought usually comes quickly.
UndercoverAngel
UndercoverAngel
I love this. it i exactly what I have been trying to do. Izzy - I know just what you mean - I put them in bed beside me and I wake up with them in the same place. - but riddled with anxiety! Yes, i love the idea of escorting them out the door! I think I will put a restraining order on them if they come back :-)