Okay try being married for 4.5 years and find out your husband has had "enough". If he is done it's his loss! :) It's good you are changing and if you read the book Women Who Love Too Much and are young I'm impressed. I'm sorry you feel alone and lost. Try to take care of you and think of what you can do now in your free time without him! HUGs I hope someone else has better answers. I am reading really good books right now like Why Me Why This Why Now another book by Robin Norwood which is very good. I'm reading a bunch of books right now that are helping me on my journey. Wayne Dyer's Change Your Thoughts Change Your Life and a book on my kindle which is about patterns we get from childhood. Your Mind is What Your Brain Does for a Living: Learn How to Make it Work for You by Steve Fogel and Mark Rosin

Having lived with depressed parents which emotionally abused you makes you spend your conscious effort on figuring out how they feel and how not to make them mad or more depressed. You learned this just as a survival tool growing up with them. I believe you are focusing too much on your boyfriend who is just another person in the world (in the end that is all they are) and it helps you to avoid dealing with your own issues of insecurity. He is not what you want him to be no matter how much you want it or believe it, he is not a healthy partner for you. Right now you need to learn to be a healthy partner for yourself. First you need to be there for yourself, so that when a man leaves you, you are still okay. If you have insurance find a therapist to help you, they can be lifesavers and truly help you grow. In lieu of that maybe a co dependency group and reading books. Your life will change and get better with your own determination to make it so. Continue to read all you can, be kind to yourself. No one else is better than you, no one else is going to rescue you (that is hard to take in, but it is also the BIGGEST gift!). YOU will rescue yourself and when you see that you are taking care of yourself you will be free from abusers and users. It will happen, keep on taking care of you. Eat well, exercise, meditate, walk, get a pet, do things you enjoy. These things are all very important.

hi :) IM just seeing these replies today and you've no idea of how good timing they have haha I just came home now from a psychology class and guess what was the theme: anxiety, people that lived with depressed relatives and the phases of abandonment and guess who was there too my ex haha talking about getting awkward :p so after that class it felt like someone punched me because here I am trying to put my mind onto other things and here it is one whole hour talking about the subject, and getting awkward stares from my mates...
it's not the end of the world.. I know... but sometimes it feels like it... ive been so unwilling to start a romantic relationship that now that I had one it makes me feel guilty for it to end and makes me question whether or not I've put enough effort..
yesterday I went on a walk instead of just talking to him (and probably be humiliated again) and I've been trying to do meditation, I'm not sure if I'm doing it right though :p I've downloaded this app called breath and think and it kinda leads you on your meditation trips :)
the thing is... I keep thinking that maybe he needed me to show him that I'm changing too this time, that I don't blame him for all the bad that happened.. what if he just wanted to see that? maybe I was too harsh ..

Meditation...excellent. I tried that and breathing therapy. I found I didn't need it. Okay I had a crush on a guy in college (look under unrequited love topic). I have not been able to get him out of my head for 20 years. What I did after humiliating myself was I just acted happy. I started reading a lot (well that's never changed been doing that since I was 10) and got some self help books. One was Psychology of Winning. Excellent read about improving yourself even if it is very old. Still good and I still have that very book which I look at once in a while. How long do you have to be in college and see this guy? It is tough. You can get through it. Don't think you were too harsh if you were just being yourself. Gotta go and good luck. Have to run to work.

I think he felt I didn't love him in the end, because maybe I brought the you broke my heart subject a lot.. dunno. thank you for your replies :) they mean the world

The important thing is whether you are feeling loved by this person. Follow your intuition and don't second guess everything. Especially don't try to guess what is going on in his head, that is part of your conditioning. You should not have to guess what his intention is. Your gut tells you via your feelings. If you are feeling hurt then there is a reasonable explanation, meaning it isn't that you made him or whomever hurt you. You aren't responsible for everyone's actions or feelings, you are only responsible for your own feelings and to take care of yourself. If someone is telling you he doesn't want you anymore, there isn't any gray area. That isn't about you, it is about him. He is allowed to decide whether he wants a relationship with someone and you are allowed to decide whether you are feeling loved or used and abused. It's understandable that you want to gravitate to what you knew as feeling connected (for the first time maybe), but that is not necessarily what is really happening - because you are going back to a memory of something that you felt, but that is in the past and not necessarily what is happening in the present. It's natural to want it to come back and make it all better, but this is about you needing to grow as a person. Believe me, it's like drinking your worries away...the growing you need to do, it goes on hold and then 10 years later you are still needing to learn to take care of your own emotional needs and be in charge of enjoying your life.

Sibly, as I was reading your post and replies and something struck me. I am sure, as a psychology student, you've learned that children *always* assume guilt when negative family dynamics exist. Kids lack high-order thinking skills and always think everything is their fault. For example, my parents divorce was my fault because I was bad; my father is angry because I made him mad, etc. Do you see yourself in this pattern of thinking? I'm not saying you're childish by any means; only that maybe you're conditioned to assume 100% of the guilt because of your depressed parents. Guess what? Relationships take two to tango, and while there may be some truth in regards to putting in effort, this guy played a role, too. And if he bailed now, consider yourself lucky. Anyone who truly, truly cares about someone does not cut and run without honestly trying to work through the issues (as you were trying to.) Food for thought.

I mean... you both make sense... I can't feel responsible for what he probably expects me to do.. I can't read his mind right? only listen to what come's out of his mouth... I need to stop feeling responsible if he says one thing but actually is putting me through some test so I'll do the opposite o.O haha yeah.. that's not a mature relationship.
today I changed seats and he kept passing through me and stayed staring at me for a while.. sometimes I think it's on purpose, I'm getting paranoid also :p either way, @blueshoes2 and @penseuse .. you have a very logic point.. I'll give it serious thought :) thank you