My ex has been out of jail since the 5th or 6th. He hasn't tried contacting me but i keep looking over my shoulder... not because im afraid he will hurt me, but because im afraid of what i will feel if i see him or anyone associated with him. He signed power of attorney over to one of the girls i suspected him to be cheating on me with that i had found emails from and doing his homework for him....I had contacted her once via email and she said there was nothing, she hadnt talked to him in forever and was just helping with homework.

and there is still this strong voice in my head saying that he wasnt cheating, that it was me overreacting. he had me so programmed to just lay down and submit to him.. but the entire time we were together, i have never been a more jealous person. it had begun to eat my soul... i was never a jealous person like that before... NEVER .i couldnt shake it.... but now i know it was all him.

upon first meeting everyone loved him... thought he was great for me... even some of them still cant believe what he did. but a couple of my friends told me something was weird about him that they couldn't place a finger on... my very spiritual close friends.

its like im getting angry at myself... i should feel angry.... offended... and i do... but not to the level i should. i was deeply wronged in many ways... and its like something inside me broke a long time ago and even though the gate is wide open, i just cant go through to freedom... so instead i sit in my empty cell, battling myself now that the threat is gone.

I shouldnt feel upset that his douchebaggery is so evident. i just want it to be over... i want him to be far away from me... i want to flash forward to the future and have this behind me.